*pairing with nanami. mentally ill, overworked {Y/N} breaks down.*
**
{Y/N} {l/N}. shes a second year at jujutsu tech, close friends with maki, panda and inumaki, a great student and a powerful sorcorer.
your first year at jujutsu tech was hard. not because you were untalented, but because you were too much.
at a young age you were raised to perfection. your parents had to have you doing everything, playing the piano, dancing, doing charity work, swimming, and being perfect in school.
it was torture.
they didnt care much for you, but for the way you make them look, baring their last name. you could say it broke your brain at some point. all you ever did was to please them, to make them happy, to be proud of you and to tell you you did good.
it was harder then it sounds. whatever it is you did, it was never enough. you had to run around, initiate things yourself and also do everything you already had on your scadule.
you had to be the best on the piano, the best dancer, the smartest kid, the fastest kid, the most beautiful girl and the most perfect kid.
if something wasnt as good as it was expected, youd get punished. as much as you hated getting slapped, hit and yelled at, the worst thing that youve felt was the silence treatment.
after the hitting, the yelling, the breaking, they wouldnt speak to you. wont aknowledge your presence, and it hurts more then anything. all you want is to be noticed, and when they wont even look at you when you finally came home after a long day, wont make you feed or send you off to bed, you were about ready to die.
youd find yourself crawling and begging for their forgivness, sobbing your eyes out till your head hurt and you couldnt even move. the pain would turn physical, from your heart to your whole body.
from all those years of chasing after aknowldegment and validation, those things got burned into your brain. that was your goal.
i want them to tell me im doing good.
when you were scouted as a potential sorcorer, you were beyond happy. another thing you could excel at, another thing that could bring your parents to maybe loving you, finally.
the reaction was different. when they found out youll be moving out and focusing on this thing... they werent happy.
"out that door, until you get your head sorted" they said, like they are not the ones who broke your brain.
teary eyed and aching body, you left the house with little to nothing and moved to the dorms of jujutsu tech.
gojo, nanami, and yaga were expacting you to focus on your sorcorer career, but they soon found out you are not letting anything go.
you continued playing the piano, dancing, doing charity work and doing everything you used to do, plus the sorcorer work.
you were doing too much.
your day routine looked like a hot mess. study at jujutsu tech, go to piano classes, immediatly from there you went to dancing class, and late dinner time was the time you volonteered at a homeless shelter.
youd come back to the dorm late at night and start working ever more. writing, homework, studying, practicing, and youd usualy go swimming early in the morning.
noone has ever seen you actually sleeping.
you just couldnt stop, you had to have it all. you cant let any more people down, not your parents, not your teachers, not the people around you.
when you finally got close to your peers, you were pretty vlose with maki, mostly. she was so strong, so much willpower and so proud. youd look at her with tears in your eyes, waiting to be as good as her.
then, you had 3 more people to not let down. couldnt let down maki, panda, and inumaki. you were so scared theyd leave you, like you had so much before happen to you, so youd have to talk to them everyday.
if they didnt speak with you, you were sure they were mad at you and are going to leave you, so youd always make sure to wish them a good morning and help with anything they needed. you had to do everything, you loved having them around, and your abandonment issues made you feel so insecure in your friendship.
your second year, you were introduces to new students, megumi, nobara and yuji. in reality, you and yuji already knew each other, you often volonteered in the hospital as well.
it didnt matter how much people told you to calm down, let go, and have sometime to yourself didnt help at all. never. youd always answer, "if i dont do it, ill be useless"
you hit nanami hard in his heart. you reminded him of himself. matured too young. groomed. where is your childhood?
one time, when you returned to the dorms after a long day, there was nobody there. you searched all the rooms frantically, crying as you went through everyones rooms. they werent there. you were left alone, with no knowledge of whats happening.
when they all returned from the mission they were on, they found you leaning on the wall in the common area, crying and hyperventilating.
maki was first to jump forward and imbarce you in a hug, confused at your sobbing. you were hanging off of her shoulders and falling to your knees, shaking and crying and wailing.
you kept apologizing and asking them to forgive you, what for, they didnt know, but no matter how much they told you that "you didnt do anything" and "everything is allright" you shook your head and kept pleeing for forgivness.
it was heart breaking, and even gojo felt bad when he saw you on your knees, hugging makis hips and asking for forgivness. it was much more visible how hard everything is for you.
"we need to teach her that she can be lazy sometimes" gojo says after they calmed you down, maki letting you sleep with her that night, obviously you just sat in her room and did homework, and now he was sitting with nanami, drinking tea.
"we need to teach her to calm down, not to be lazy" nanami corrects, "shes going to burn out soon" he sighs deeply, rubbing his eyes. "like she hasnt already" gojo chuckles, shaking his head.
they sat in silence. they knew you were crazy, and when you first got into jujutsu tech, the elders all aknowledged your mental state, but this was heart breaking. seeing you tumbling down all like this, wailing and begging for forgivness as if you commited an unforgivable sin. your cries and your shaking body showed then what rock bottom looked like for you.
after that day, you didnt stop anything. you kept at yours, going everywhere, overworking yourself, and being even less time on campus.
one time on a mission, nanami decided to try and speak with you about it.
"dont you think youre doing too much?" he asks, seeing you kneeling down and checking around the ground for residence from cursers.
"no" you reply, and look up at him furrowing your brows, "dont you work all the time as well?" well damn {Y/N}.
"but you are still a kid {Y/N}, you are allowed to sit back and relax" he says. "well, dont you deserve that too?" you retort. it seemed like you were getting a little agitated, and he felt like he couldnt get to you. this was a personality disroder, he could tell much better now.
"well, yes, but ive already been young" he says. "but you were like me. you told me how you always did all those things too" you reply.
he did. he told you about him being matured too early in hopes of showing you what not to do. seems like it didnt work.
"you should enjoy being young. you should sit back and relax" he fights, following you around the room.
"but i cant. if i do that, ill be useless and pointless" you retort. you were so stubborn.
"but you are still a kid, you deserve to sleep late" he tries again. your words broke his heart.
"but im not a kid. i never was a kid. im a machine that was supposed to do one thing and failed. i failed everyone. i need to go to practice in 20 minutes, lets finish"
by this, he knew that you knew what was wrong. you saw it. he knew that you saw that you were made a machine that was supposed to bring pride to your parents, but you failed. now, you tried to do what you could to fix it.
you knew what you were doing wasnt normal, but you couldnt stop yourself. it looked like an addiction, a marathon to the words, "im proud of you" that you didnt get. the chase to finally relax and be appreciated, be aknowledged, be loved and huggued.
you knew you werent ok, but you didnt know how to do it differently.
he wants to show you that you are appreciated. that you didnt fail. that you were more then a fail. you were so so good.
he tried speaking with you a couple times, but never got to his goal.
after 3 months of him trying to do something without it working, an opportunity came around. you got sick.
when you returned from your swimming class one morning for class in jujutsu tech, you were sick. face red, nose plugged and couldnt even stand straight.
you stumbled into class, leaning on the wall and panting, eyes barely open. without saying anything, you came to your chair and sat down. the class is silent, staring at you.
"are you alright?" gojo asks, squinting his eyes. "i-i am" your voice is hoarse and scratchy.
"go to bed {Y/N}" gojo says, and you use all your might to sit upstraight. "no, im fine see, lets continue" you faught for 3 more minutes until he broke down and let you stay in class despite you being so obviously sick.
after class, you followed your peers back to the dorms to change into some workout clothes. more correctly, you were hanging off of panda who was holding you up, you were only half conciouss at this point, and maki was telling you to go to sleep. you refused.
after you changed and walked to the common area again, you fell dosn unconsiouss on the ground.
"finally" maki sighed, picked you up and laid you on the sofa, "now you stay here {Y/N}, you need to sleep" did you fall unconsiouss, or just fell powerless? or did you wake up in panic at the words of calm down and sleep.
"dont you dare move {Y/N}, you need to sleep" maki says, pushing on your shoulders to keep you on the sofa.
"n...no ma...ki... no time" you whisper and then groan, twisting to your side and falling off the sofa. "ill be back in a few minutes, dont move" she says, pointing her finger at you on the floor, panting and shaking
feeling dead, you stayed on the ground a little until tears started to fall from your eyes. you failed her. shes mad, everyone is. you were again too weak. not enough.
you laid on the wooden floor, unable to move, hurting and crying.
after what seemed like an eternity, the door opened again. maki. she came back. you are ready to crawl to her and go to training with her, but instead above you stands nanami.
"oi {Y/N}" he sighs deeply, crouching down to the floor and bringing his hand to your face, brushing your forehead, a soft smile on his face.
"w-wheres maki?" you whisper, your eyes half closed. "shes in training darling" you couldnt answer. darling? you must be so sick, hallusinating.
you stay silent for a few long moments, until you feel him shift and move, he comes to your side and slithers his hands under you and picks you up, throwing your hands over his neck and your head lying on his shoulder, your legs on either side of his hips as he held your thighs, and started walking.
"this is what happens when you dont take breaking" he says, deciding to lecture you while hes taking you to bed.
"this is why you should lie back sometimes and calm down. youll feel better, lighter" he says, holding you close to him. he feels your body shaking, your hiccups and your cold cold skin. a little shattered doll.
he lies you down on the bed and covers you in a blanket, leaving the room and in a minute returning with a bottle of water and a bowl of soup, to find you crawling on the floor towards the door.
jesus christ.
he puts it all down and drags you back to bed, shushing you.
"once you feel better, you can go do whatever it is you want" he says as he sits down beside you, opening the bowl of soup and putting it in his lap.
"b-ut i ne-ed to be good now" you whisper, closing your eyes tightly.
"you are good now" he says. your body stiffens, and nanami looks at you sith squinted eyes. is that all he needed to do all this time? reassure you? his heart crumbles in his chest when he realises the root of the problem.
"dont you see it?" he smiles at you gently, reaching his hand to tuck your hair behind your ear, "dont you see how good you are, pure and helpfull? honestly, i bet you hold half of japan on your shoulders" he chuckles.
you are staring at him with wet, red eyes, lower lip trembling. "you are too good my dear, you need to have some time off if you want to do everything. balance" it was ironic that nanami was teaching you about balance.
"you do so much. its time for you to breath" he says, and slowly starts feeding you the soup. you eat it silently, warm fat and silent tears fell from your pretty big eyes as he did.
"good" he smiles, putting the bowl away, "im proud of you, you are doing so good. im glad to have you around"
silence. your mouth falls open and you start wailing again. what?
nanami is quick to move closer beside you, and pats down your hair gently, but in respond you only cry harder.
he moves away, considering maybr you dont want to be touched. he watchs your wide eyes, your red face and your voulnorable state.
"really?" you whimper. "really what?" he asks, pushing his glasses a little higher on his nose.
"do you really think that?" you whimper again, your hands are fisting your blanket.
hes ready to pass out. "of course i do" he says quickly, "all of us think that. we are all so proud of you. you are just an angel among us mortals" he says, smiling gently and once again getting closer. "we all think that you are the best person out there. we are so greatful for you. so proud" he repeats, and hes so close now.
your silent and unmoving for a little longer. every time hes alone with you, he notices that you are mentally ill. you were broken so much. shattered. you dont function like normal people would.
you are not normal, you are a rose among thorns, one righteous in sodom, a darling little girl whos trapped in a cage of uncertinty and fear. a cage of trying to get validation, but that validation needs to mean something to you, and it seems like nanami is good enough for you.
your hands twitch, but in the end they dont move. so he does it himself.
he moves forward swiftly and wraps both arms around you tightly, around your shoulders and patting your hair, his cheek presses to your head as he sighs deeply.
shaky hands come up to wrap around his torso, and quickly he feels your power and muscles hugging him back, your face lying in his shoulder as you slowly calm down.
"you are such a good girl. so proud of you" he mummbles and kisses your temple.
he doesnt dare move, because it takss about 30 seconds until you fall asleep, your hold on him loosens as you start to drift away into dream land on his shoulder, leaning on his body.
he starts shifting in hope of getting more comfortable, and now he notices how tired you are. your head falls off of his shoulder and back on the pillow, but you dont wake up. just knocked out.
he shifts around and leans against the headboard and once again situates you on his lap, your head lying on his chest and his head leaning on yours.
and he falls asleep as well.
***
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yours, the red demon♧