Chapter 19: 1 Week Later
I smile as I walk through the Pit with Ariana. "Wow," she says. "That's so scary. I would've died." She says, and I sigh.
"Yeah, it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me." I say as I speak to her about being taken to Erudite for shooting Daniel. She nods. "Steven, Colsen, I still don't know what to call him, he hasn't talked to me. It's been a week." I bite my lip.
Colsen really hasn't made an effort to communicate with me in any way since I was captured and taken to the Erudite Headquarters for testing, I mean, he kissed me whenever they saved me, but that was it. He hadn't talked to me since then.
Deep down, He probably thinks that I gave myself up to the Erudite, which I didn't.
He actually told me once, that he thought I was suicidal. I don't really know if I fit that category though. I told him that I wasn't, but I might actually be. Ever since Daniel died, I just want to end it all. I'm the reason that he's gone. I killed him.
Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe it'll get better eventually, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. I just don't think that I could, not after everything that's happened lately, everything that I've caused.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for all that I've done. I can't make myself, so it'll never happen. I'm deadly. I'm dangerous. I'm Divergent.
>>
Since I've returned from being captured and taken into custody of the Erudite, I have actually moved into my apartment. I really like it; a whole new world away from my parents' house.
A whole new world to kill myself with my thoughts, without my parents to stop me from doing it.
I have also settled down and started my training to begin my Leadership job in the Pire, the main part of the Dauntless Headquarters.
I have since then asked my mother for a job transfer, which was granted, for me to transfer to a full-time job as a tattoo artist the Dauntless Tattoo Parlor.
I really like the idea of that. Besides, I get to work with Tori. She's one of my favorite people in the Dauntless Faction. She is where I get most of my advice, inspiration, and tips from.
I don't think that I could actually work as a leader, not after all that I've done. I killed a fellow faction member. That beaks the rules on so many levels, especially the motto: Faction before blood. It's not just that, either.
I can't go back to Erudite. I can't make myself do it. I'd have to get on a train and go there at least once a month for the meetings, but I can't.
Maybe I wasn't meant to be Dauntless. I'm such a fucking coward. How did I ever make it through initiation?
Well, my inner self chuckles, you were faking it until you made it. That's how much of a fucking coward you are, you fucking jerk.
>>
I walk into the tattoo parlor and smile. "Hey, Tori." I say to her. She smiles, hugging me.
"Hey Maddie." She winks. I laugh, and she walks me over to a dark corner of the tattoo parlor. We talk about my initiation and my parents for a few minutes.
It's nothing but awkward small talk, really. Soon, after a few more minutes of unending conversation, Tori has set me up with some sketching for this morning, and as it turns out, I can actually draw pretty well.
I have done many different variations of the Dauntless faction symbol, I have written the word, "Dauntless" in numerous different fonts, and I have done a few birds. Really, it's just doodling.
"You're doing pretty well!" Tori exclaims, coming up from behind me. "Thanks," I say.
"You should be ready for your first tattoo, and just in time. Your first customer is here now." She points to the cash register by the door, and I see Olivia.
She walks away, and Olivia walks up to me. "Well, well, well," I raise my eyebrows, "What tattoo would you like?" I ask.
"Hmm," she looks curiously at the wall of tattoos, and finally settles on a small infinity sign. "I'll take this one, please."
"Okay, Liv." I say, then run a hand through my hair before I walk over and begin the prep that Tori told me about, putting on my gloves and getting a new needle out from the cabinets. I then set up the machine before turning it on.
"How are you doing, sis?" Olivia asks me as I prepare the transfer sheet. I shrug.
"Fine, kinda getting my life together." I say. No matter how much time passes, I will always live with the guilt of killing Daniel. I will have permanent blood on my hands. I can't wash it off, I can't forget, no matter how hard I try.
The recoil had no effect on me. I shot him without even thinking about what would happen. I'm horrible, and I can't live with myself, but I lie to my own sister just to save time and not have to explain it.
There's no point in explaining what happened. What's done is done, even if I never forget it.
>>
As I finish the small infinity sign tattoo on Olivia's neck, I turn the motor for the machine off, and extract the jar from the needle.
I set the jar in the ink drawers and put the needle in the trash. As I throw the needle in the trashcan, Olivia watches me. I walk over to the computer-cash register, and Olivia pays me with five Dauntless Credits.
Smiling, she waves at me as we leaves the parlor. Maybe you could be that happy, my inner self says from the back of my mind, maybe if you'd just forgive yourself for what happened. It's over, it's done.
"Alright, that's enough for today, I'd think. Have the rest of the day off," Tori says, looking at me as she waves her arm toward the door.
"Okay, if you say so," I say, and get up and walk to the door. "Thanks, Tori." I say to her genuinely and she smiles.
"Don't mention it." She shouts as I walk out of the parlor. I enter the Pit just in time to see Colsen standing down the hill from me. I race down to where he stands and I smile. He frowns at me.
"Hey...?" I say to his frowning face. I throw my hands down at my sides, ignoring the fact that his eyes are glued to my chest, which is a little bit revealed in the shirt that I'm wearing. I pay no attention, only cover myself up with my hands when I cross them over my chest.
"Hey," He says, then scratches his arm. "I don't think this is going to work out." He finishes.
"What the heck?" I ask rhetorically. "You're just going to walk up to me, and all of a sudden, break up with me? That's messed up!" I say, looking at him, the tears brewing in my eyes, threatening to spill.
"I don't know what's wrong with you." He says, "What idiot gives themselves up to the Erudite and puts their friends and family in danger like you did?" He says.
"Oh, so that's what this is about?" I exclaim. "I didn't give myself up to the Erudite, you selfish asshole. They saw me when I was out of the compound, and even though I ran away, they still caught up to me and took me in."
"You expect me to believe that?" He says, and I see that his eyes are red.
I look deep into his eyes and see the tiny veins bulging. I see that his skin is a yellow green tint, and I gag. "Are you... Are you high?" I ask him.
He sends me a look, as if he's saying What the fuck are you talking about? and I roll my eyes. "You know what, Steven, Colsen, Whatever the fuck I'm supposed to call you since you have a problem with your name, go smoke another joint, because I don't need someone like you dragging me down further than I already am."
"Fine!" He exclaims. "Be a fucking bitch. I don't need you anyway." He says as he throws his arms up, and I chuckle.
"Yeah, you don't need me. All you need is your joints and your bong. So go fuck it, asshole." I say, then throw my hands up and laugh.
I then walk away, leaving Steven Colsen and all of the trouble he's brought me behind, because I don't need anyone else dragging me down. I just need find myself, and pull it all together.
As Ashton once put it, If they bring you down, you drop 'em. For once, he was actually right. 'Dropping' Colsen has already lifted a weight from my shoulders.
Maybe all I really need is myself. I don't need validation from someone else, especially a guy. I just need to learn to be happy with who I am, or I'll never be happy with anyone else, and I guess that's the secret to life.
A/N: ****rewritten on 7/21/16
Hey Guys! I just realized that I haven't updated since January. Eeek. This book doesn't really have that many reads. I'd like to get to 5K, but I don't think that my readers have that much faith in me anymore. I've been sick lately, for like the past two weeks, and I have been back and forth, sick home from school, and at school. I'm going to have a lot of make up work, so I won't have time to update. But, I hope that if you have some faith in me, and you'll do what you should do, and trust In me.
QOTC: If I made a fan IG Account, would you guys follow me?