A/n: I would like to preface this chapter by saying Rest in Peace to Grandma Jane. Losing a family member is the type of pain that you never get over. And they lost another family member not long ago So I'm sending light and love to Dinah and her family.
And I'm sending light and love and virtual hugs to all of you as well. This has been a shitty time for a lot of people and we can only hope that at some point things start to get better
-
Normani
Promise me you'll read it only when I'm gone and that you'll read it to the end.
I shook my head, a smile tugging at my lips as I remembered Dinah asking me to pinky promise. My eyes wandered from the paperwork on my desk to the windows in my office and I found myself lost in thought, staring at buildings as though I were an architect studying their design when in reality, I was thinking about the thousands of people I shared a city with that I would probably never meet.
After a few moments of gazing at the view, I went back to my desk and my eyes immediately flicked to Dinah's envelope on my desk. I reached out, letting my hand stop in midair as I deliberated. For a while after she left my office, I had watched it, curiosity building like the anticipation as a hunter fixates on its prey.
It won in the end, and I finally emptied its contents onto my desk.
In hindsight, I should have seen it for what it was immediately just for the simple reason that it was handwritten. Instead, my mind flashed back to a conversation we'd had many times throughout our relationship.
–Flashback–
"Would you give your ex a second chance?"
Dinah rolled her eyes, "This is why I specifically mentioned that I believe in second chances within reason. I'm obviously not going to just keep handing people ammunition to hurt me, but I do believe that some mean it when they say they'll change. Because they learn from their mistakes and they can literally be better people. Others not so much. With some people, it's basically like handing them more chanced to hurt you. And with others, it's literally a chance to do things better than before. Like with your ex for example, you said it was literally just the wrong time right? So maybe things could be better."
I shook my head, "Even if things could be better, I don't think I want to find out and risk getting hurt. Not with anyone and definitely not with him."
"He really did a number on you didn't he—" Dinah shoved her hands into her pockets. "Never mind."
"People suck Dinah. All of them. This whole love thing is just a big game of roulette, I'll be damned if I give someone a second chance to shoot me."
She frowned, "All of them?"
"Don't misunderstand me. Obviously not everyone sucks. But everyone is just as capable of hurting me as badly as he did. Which makes falling for anyone reckless and stupid."
"Just so you know, I wouldn't," she answered quietly. "Hurt you as badly as your ex did I mean. Obviously we aren't— I was just saying."
–
Clever, I thought to myself. My eyes swam as tears welled up in them and I felt my world everything that had been holding me together and keeping me intact begin to crumble.
"I think you're special," I began reading when I was finally in control again. "I think you're special and I treasure the special things in my life."
–Flashback–
There was a beat of silence before Dinah and I burst into the kind of laughter where you start crying. This time when we got back into the hammock, I lay on my front while she lay on her back. "We're going to seriously injure each other one day."
I scoffed, "you already injured me, well your family did. Twice in one day."
Dinah rolled her eyes. "Thank you for this... I didn't know if it was too soon for us to be going away together and meeting the family."
"There's no such thing when it comes to relationships. And if this were a stereotypical relationship, we would have moved in together a long ass time ago."
"True, but we're supposed to be taking it slow you know? So stereotypes and rules don't apply to us."
I shrugged, "last night, seeing you with my parents and my aunt and uncle, I realized that I did want you to meet my parents. And you were super cool and amazing as always."
"I've been known to be pretty good with parents. Plus I actually I actually had fun with—"
"–I love you Hansen."
Dinah's smile was hesitant. "Are you—"
"–I am. And I promise you can trust me with your heart."
–
"What are you still doing h—"
I nearly jumped out of my seat when she shut the door. "Choie you can't just sneak up on me like that!"
"I wouldn't have snuck up on you if you came down to meet me when you were supposed to. Besides I knocked." She eyed me suspiciously from the doorway. "Let's go. We have a few hours free of motherly responsibilities."
Half an hour later, we walked into a restaurant not far from my place. "Okay this place is actually nice," Choie marveled as I followed her to our table. "And the music..."
As soon as we had settled in and ordered, Choie turned to face the stage. The silence afforded me the chance to look around at the full restaurant. Next to us, an old couple sat together on the same side of the booth. He kept stealing her fries when she wasn't looking, which resulted in them attempting to steal each other's food when she realized. A group of college students sat at the far end of the restaurant, all of them slumped over in laughter as tears poured out of their eyes. I noticed a man in a charcoal grey suit hunched, frowning at his phone, a bunch of tourists taking pictures of their food and a family of five chatting excitedly about the menu.
Of course every single patron that I noticed was someone that I could become. In love, carefree, happy, or alone. I leaned forward, reaching for a breadstick as I did. Love is about risk, it's the possibility of joy without the certainty of it. I guess that's what makes it all so much fun. What bothered me most, was that I was as willing as I was unwilling to take the risk a second time.
A perfect relationship is when two imperfect people love each other in a perfect way and are unwilling to give up on each other.
Bullshit, the thought popped into my hand, immediately drowning out my grandma's words. Eli was the last person to tell me we were perfect together. After countless conversations with Dr Sullivan and Choie, I realized that we had perfect moments, but we were completely wrong for each other.
"What's on your mind?"
"Nothing," I mumbled, waving her off.
Choie came and sat on my side of the booth, "You jumped when I walked into your office and you've been distracted since we left. What's on your mind?"
"I think she wants me back."
"She being..." She quirked an eyebrow and I nodded. "Oh... what do you want?"
"I'm terrified."
She clasped her hands together, "Why?"
"I know you said you wouldn't be reckless with your heart anymore, at least not where I'm concerned. You may not believe me now, but I promise that you can trust me with your heart. What am I supposed to do with that?"
"Do you think you can trust her with your heart?"
"It's not just about me anymore. It's about Noah. And she says she wants to be a family now but what happens one day when I accidentally slip up and she feels like she doesn't have a place in his life or a voice and I'm suddenly stuck between the father of my child and the love of my life? I can be reckless with my heart, not Noah's."
"You don't know that you'd ever be in a situation like that."
"Exactly. I don't know."
She sighed, "Why didn't you just ask her—"
"–Because she wrote me a letter."
Her groan was almost comically exaggerated and she threw her hands up dramatically before leaning back in her chair. "What is it with you and letters?"
"At least I got this one."
She shot me a look, "That's just rude... but I'll let it slide. Finish it."
I could feel the letter in my coat pocket; I had been itching to finish it since Choie barged into my office. "Okay uhm... If you hadn't figure it out already, then this is the part where I tell you that this is a love—"
"I kind of wish she just said this to my face, even if she was reading off a piece of paper. Then at least I'd have been able to see what she was thinking."
"You don't believe her..."
"It's more that I don't know if I can trust this. Especially considering she was just with Aiden not long ago."
"You were still with other people before you decided that Dinah was worth being monogamously casual for."
I shook my head, "You can't equate casual sex to a full on relationship. She told a random guy that I was down for anything because Aiden was insecure. She was trying to keep him and now I'm the love of her life?"
I could see her trying to come up with excuses till she eventually gave up all together.
"I can't defend that," she finally answered. "But I like Dinah though, that should count for something right?
"No," I mumbled but I couldn't stop myself from smiling.
–Flashback–
Dinah Jane asleep in my apartment was the last thing I expected would happen when I woke up this morning. There was a small crease in her brow that deepened every time she shifted and mumbled something else in her sleep. The only time she ever did that was when she was cold. The first time I asked her why she didn't wake up and cover herself, incredulity colored her tone as she told me she couldn't risk stopping her dream and not seeing it end.
I went back to my room and got a blanket from my closet. It was difficult, once I sat on the edge of her bed, not to close the distance that I had been maintaining all night. I indulged myself for a moment, my fingertips barely touching her face for fear that she would wake up and that somewhat peaceful expression would be gone.
She frowned and began murmuring; the only thing I could make out was my name. I pulled my hand back as though I had been scalded when she opened one eye, presumably to peek at me. Then she sat up quickly and tried to tame her hair. I bit back a laugh, and in a bid to give her some privacy, I looked away, my eyes roaming over her legs for a moment before I found something else to look at.
"Hey is everything okay?"
I brushed her hair out of her face, smiling when the wisps of hair that she had finally gotten to lie down sprang back up. "Yeah you were just— this room is colder than the others at night so I brought you a blanket."
"Oh thank you, it's not so bad though."
Liar.
"Take it anyway, just in case."
I hadn't realized that at some point, my other hand had drifted to hers and my thumb was gently caressing her knuckles. Dinah's eyes flicked to our hands before she looked back up at me, her expression completely open and her eyes betraying what she was thinking. I completely forgot myself for a moment and allowed myself to be carried forward for a moment. Dinah leaned in, confirmation that it wasn't just in my head.
The sound of laughter jolted us both out of the moment. I let go of her hand and stood quickly. Draping the blanket on top of her covers while she was in bed was probably unnecessary, but the maternal act of tucking her in helped clear the haze in my mind.
She has a boyfriend, I told myself over and over again. "How's Aiden?"
I didn't miss the confused frown that appeared on her face which was quickly replaced by something else I didn't understand. "We broke up, so I don't know. But I think he's probably okay, at least he looks okay on IG."
"Are you okay? What happened?"
"I'm fine, I was never going to fall in love with him, and it wasn't fair to stay with him knowing that."
Hope is a bitch. Already, there was a light taking root in my heart that wasn't there just minutes ago. "Well I hope you're okay."
I backed out of her room as quickly as possible, and bumped into Choie.
"Whoa, what were you doing in her room?"
"She needed an extra blanket, that's all."
–
As soon as the food came, I put the letter which I had read at least three times over away safely and began delicately cutting my burger in half. I popped a few fries into my mouth as soon as it was done before finally taking a bite out of the one half. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until the food was in front of us.
"She shouldn't be asking me for a second chance. I'm the one that messed up and walked away."
"You ran away," Choie corrected me.
"Do you remember a time when you were a kid and you wanted something so badly that you begged for days, weeks, months even for that thing. Then finally when you got it, you weren't interested or you were way too terrified to actually do anything. And I'm not scared of being hurt, that's not the issue. In all honesty, no matter what lies I tell myself, I'd throw my heart across a chasm if Dinah promised to stand on the other end and catch it. But my kid?"
"From what I've seen, she gets along really well with Noah and he likes her, maybe almost as much as he likes you."
I stared down at the napkin that I had ripped to shreds as soon as I stopped cutting my burger. "Okay here's what I think. Everything has a probation period of some sort before you make a commitment right? Free trials, a monthly subscription instead of an annual one. So why should I jump into something permanent, even though ultimately I know that I want her when I'm not sure that she's what's good for us?"
Choie put her hand on my forehead, "Are you feeling okay?"
"What? Of course I am. Stop touching me."
"No it's just... that's the smartest thing you've said in a really long time and I wasn't sure—"
I slapped her hand. "–Shut up, your head is big."
"So's yours, you must have strong shoulders to hold that and your big ass earlobes up." Choie stole some of my fries and I slapped them out of her hand at the very last moment. "Childish."
"Your head is so big that you don't need to go to the cinema because you dream in wide screen."
"Yours is so big that your right ear is in a different time zone to your left," she retorted.
"Okay Sponge Bob Squarehead."
As soon as she cracked a smile, we both burst into laughter. "Seriously though Mani, you have a point. You shouldn't jump headfirst into anything just because you're in love with her. Talk to her though and makes sure she knows exactly where you stand."
"Yeah..."
Dinah
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on
Our troubles will be miles away
"Here we are as in olden days," I sang as I laid my apples out inside the dough for my pie. "Happy golden days of yore. Okay what now?"
"Put the rest of your dough on top and make sure there aren't any gaps when you're joining them. This would be so much easier if I you were here."
I released a breath that I hadn't realized I was even holding. I took a moment to bite back the retort that had been building since she answered the phone. I knew it was coming; I expected it when I told her I wasn't coming home for the holidays. The whole family was getting together again and I didn't have it in me to deal with the passive aggression for more than just a few days and my mother understood. Well I thought she did.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"It's fine Mom, so once this is done, I brush it with the eggs and then I bake right?"
"Yes—"
"–Okay thank you for this. I should get going, there's still some stuff that I need to get for dinner at Ally's and I'd rather not have to go out tomorrow or on Christmas."
"Dinah you don't have to—"
"–I love you mom."
Once my pie was in the oven, I turned the music up and sat down at the window seat that Kamila had designated her spot as soon as we moved into the apartment with a glass of wine. New York in winter will forever be my favorite time. Sure it's freezing, but there's a beauty in the irony of the city being most alive at a time when nature is asleep.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
Kamila| 18:43:
Hey so I have to stay late today, but good news is we're completely free to do everything on that list we made tomorrow. Don't wait up!
I smiled at the message, as soon as I told her I wasn't going home, Kamila decided she'd stay and made up a Christmas day event as an excuse so my parents could tell the whole family that I was staying to keep her company. She had been my voice of reason since I gave Normani the letter, insisting that the reason she didn't come into work today was probably because of Noah and had nothing to do with my letter. I wasn't so sure—
There was a knock on the front door.
I was tempted to turn the music up and pretend I hadn't heart it, but curiosity to see which of my neighbors was at the door won out. I put my wine on the counter and checked on the pie which only had a few minutes to go before finally going to open the door.
"What can I— Mani?"
She held up my letter, "I uh, I read it. Your article."
"Oh, what did you think? I mean what are your thoughts on the stuff I wrote?"
"Are you busy right now? And can I take you out if you aren't?"
"Like on a date? Like a real one?"
Her eyes lit up and the laughter came as a surprise to us both. "As opposed to a fake one?"
"I'm flustered, bear with me."
"Then yes," she finally answered, a smile tugging on her lips. "I would like to take you out on a real date."
I quickly rushed back into my apartment, leaving Normani still standing the door. As soon as had my boots and coat on, I took the pie out of the oven, switched it off and rushed back out. Normani turned to look at me from where she now sat the top of the stairs.
"Ready?"
I nodded.
We rode in a comfortable silence. While Normani stared ahead and occasionally bobbed her head and drummed her fingers in time to the music, I watched her. She had a cold, which made me appreciate her coming to see me instead of the phone call that I had been planning to make. Other than that, she looked happy. No, content.
-
I hung my coat on the back of the chair and immediately started looking at the menu.
"Is there anything that looks good?"
"The gingerbread eggnog and the sugar cookie martini?"
Normani groaned, "I'm going to be sick after this aren't I?"
"It's okay we'll walk it off after."
"Hi ladies I'm Elayna, I'll be your server this evening." Our waitress said as she approached our table. "Have you decided on your drinks or should I give you a few minutes?"
"Mani will have the ginger bread eggnog and I will have the sugar cookie martini please."
I felt my cheeks grow hot when I saw Normani's bemused expression as Elayna walked away. Somewhere along the line in our relationship, I convinced her to start letting me choose her drinks so she wouldn't always order the same thing.
"Sorry," I mumbled, "I shouldn't—"
She reached across the table and placed her hand over mine, giving it a quick reassuring squeeze before she leaned back in her chair and went back to the menu. "It's okay, I was going to ask you for a suggestion anyway."
"Does anything look good to you? I mean food wise?"
"The tomato and basil bruschetta is tempting. Wanna share?"
I nodded. We went back and forth for a few more minutes before finally deciding on our mains. As soon as our menus were gone, Normani propped one elbow on the table and rested her chin on her palm.
"So... since I can't ask what your favorite color is, what have you been up to the last year? Well in the time since we..."
"I decided to travel," she began. "I did a handstand when we were at the Grand Canyon and that's how the whole around the world in 80 handstands thing began. I saw that you went to Tonga and Australia."
"I did. I went to Tonga because I just love being there and Australia fascinates me. I know you went to a bunch of different places but what were your top 3 and why?"
"Oh that's easy, I loved being in Italy. I've always wanted to go, especially since my dad made me watch the Godfather trilogy. I also really enjoyed India because I learnt how to be at peace with myself."
I quirked an eyebrow. "Elaborate?"
"I went there for a yoga retreat. I went because I was scared and trying to get over you. And I figured yoga and meditation would be a great way to do that. Instead, I met this young but really wise woman and she taught me how to quiet my thoughts and helped me come to terms with how things between us ended. And I also really like being in Tonga."
"Why Tonga just out of interest?" She tilted her head and smiled at me. "Oh, I see."
"I went there before you did though just for the record, I'm not a weirdo or anything."
I laughed, "No I know. It's just... it's cute I guess."
"Okay enough cuteness," she waved me off. "How was work? You stopped writing for the column."
"I continued writing for it right up until April this year. But after a lengthy discussion with the then digital editor, I decided I wanted to do more actual journalism and write about stuff that I care about. Not that giving advice doesn't matter, but it was starting to get monotonous."
"Have you figured out exactly what you want to work towards?"
"Having my own vertical. Let's not talk about work though, if you don't mind."
We moved to safer topics throughout dinner, mostly about the time that we weren't in each other's lives. Despite the conversation flowing easily, I wasn't exactly comfortable. Normani hadn't mentioned the letter, and though I should have taken our date as a good sign, I couldn't be entirely sure.
"Let's get out of here?" I asked once we had paid, well she did after insisting in front of our waitress and asking the people at the table beside us whether she was wrong to want to pay since she asked me out.
Normani followed me out of the restaurant wordlessly, only speaking when she caught my hand to stop me from walking to her car. "We'll come back for it."
I was disappointed when she let go as we began walking down the side walk and stuffed her hands into her pockets. She took them out briefly to rub her hands together.
"So," she began, "I read your article and I have some thoughts. If it's okay with you, can I get through them without interruption unless you strongly disagree with something I'm saying?"
"Okay."
"Okay so first things first, I should be the one asking you for a second chance not the other way around. That's none negotiable. Secondly I love you. I should have said that first, but anyway I do. And reason number one about why we should give exes a second chase was right? We'll know we gave it everything we had. But I can't just buy milk without checking the use by date. Or bread for that matter. Or any food item, except cans and pasta and rice because those tend to last a lot longer. You understand right?"
I shook my head slowly, "No you lost me."
"Okay that was a bad example. Okay my grandma sometimes says, 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.' No that's wrong too. Okay last try, before you buy a car, you take it for a test drive, to see if it's the right fit for you. You know you check the seats, see how comfortable they are, see how the engine runs, how it feels to ride it. All that shit, then you buy the car. And we have all these free trials for stuff and monthly memberships instead of—"
"–Right so I don't strongly disagree with what you're saying but you have likened me to food, a car that you want to ride, a free trial and a monthly membership so I'll stop you there. You're trying to tell me that you don't want to jump into anything, I assume because of Noah?"
She smiled sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her neck. "I don't know why I didn't just say that? This is usually your thing, the rambling I mean."
"And I now see why you find it so endearing."
"Okay so look, I would love a second chance with you, for all the reasons you mentioned and many more, but this time I want to do it differently. We don't have to shout it from the rooftops but I can't do secrets anymore. I want to take you out and not be scared of running into people from work. And I don't want the board members trying to set me up with their weird family members. I want you, but I need to not take things too fast. Not like tectonic plates moving slow but also not like U-Haul on the second date fast. Which may not be what you want. If it isn't I get it."
"I can do slow but not too slow and I agree, no secrets this time around. Let's take things one day at a time and see where it goes," I answered. "But how slow are we talking? I'm just asking for my records."
"When we get back to my car, I'm taking you home. I'll walk you up to your door, give you your Christmas present, then I'll say goodnight."
"You'll wait too long to ask me out on a second date and I'll have to call you ask you out."
"No," she shook her head and started walking backwards. "I'm not going to wait too long. I'll probably ask you out right before I catch my flight."
"Speaking of flights, I thought you'd be at home for the holidays by now?"
"Oh I'm leaving tomorrow morning, we promised we'd spend Noah's first Christmas and New Year with the whole family. But I couldn't leave without talking to you so Noah and Louis left without me."
"How is it? Not being with him, or rather, knowing that he's far away?"
"I hate it, I don't really like being away from him. Hot chocolate?" Normani asked as she gestured to the stand ahead.
I nodded, "Yes please with—"
"–Cinnamon and marshmallows," Normani finished for me. We joined back of the line; Normani shivered slightly as she rocked on the balls of her feet to stay warm. "Are you going home?"
"No, I couldn't do it. Mila's staying too, and so are some of our other friends. We're getting together at Ally's starting tomorrow."
"I'm glad you won't be alone then."
There was a brief silence while we ordered our drinks and waited. Not that I minded, silence was just as comfortable as talking seemed to be with her. We continued down the street, with no real sense of direction, that was until we got to a well lit street and I realized she had been leading me there all along.
I stopped to admire the angels crafted entirely of fairy lights. When I turned to look for her, Normani was watching me with a smile on her face. "You once told me that your favorite thing about Christmas was the music and the lights. Noah and I stumbled on this neighborhood randomly the other night, and I thought you'd like it."
"This is incredible, and it's not busy."
She nodded, "Yeah, come on, there's so much more to see. I think there's some kind of neighborly competition with the decorations."
This time when she took my hand, she didn't let go. My imagination hadn't even come close to replicating the tingling feeling that spread through my entire body every time Normani's thumb gently caressed the back of my hand. The explosion of warmth in my body and the almost childish giddiness that was slowly building inside.
We moved slowly, picking out the decorations we liked most and while sipping our hot chocolate. The more whimsical, the better. But none was quite as striking at the fairy lit arbor pathway that we walked through as we passed a row of stores. I stopped suddenly to point the decorations inside a café out until I noticed Normani staring at me.
Staring isn't quite the word for it, it was more that her eyes lingered on me as though I were the most riveting thing in the world; that and the hint of a smile playing on her lips.
We continued a little longer before finally heading back to her car and driving back to my place in a comfortable silence. As promised, Normani got a gift bag from the back seat and walked me upstairs.
"Thank you for tonight," I mumbled, suddenly feeling a little awkward.
"Thank you for agreeing to hang out with me."
"So I know you had your plan for how this date was going to go but do you mind if we deviate a little from it?"
She quirked an eyebrow. "As long as it's within reason I'm—"
I pulled her closer by the collar of her coat and pressed my lips to hers. You would think I'd be prepared to feel her lips against mine. That I would remember how our lips touching felt like a breeze breathing life into the wings of the swarm of butterflies that had settled in my body and perched on the skin of my arms, awakening them. But I was caught off guard by the goosebumps that prickled my skin as her libs brushed mine. I was unprepared for the dazed smile on her face when she pulled away.
"I uh, I should get going..."
"Okay."
Neither of us moved, at least not until Kamila opened the door. "Mani I'm waiting for the details here and she won't come inside until you leave."
"That's my cue. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas Mani, Dinah come inside."
Normani quickly handed me the gift bag and disappeared back down the stairs. I ignored Kamila as soon as we were both inside, and after shrugging off my coat, I took the envelope and box out of the bag.
Tears pricked my eyes as I reread the letter, the first of many times over my life that I would smile at its contents.
"What does it say?"
"She loves me," I mumbled.
Kamila frowned, "That's a good thing right?"
I nodded, "Yes, sorry these are happy tears. Plus this... she just has a way with words you know."
"The joys of falling for a writer."
"Okay I need to compose myself, so we're going to put this away and taste my pie."
"Wait but you haven't unwrapped your actual gift yet."
"Oh yeah." I removed the wrapping paper as quickly as possible. "Wait is this one of those Lovebox things?" I asked once I had opened the box. It was already setup, and as soon as I plugged it in, the little heart started spinning. "There's a message."
"What does it say?"
I smiled as I showed it to her. "It's from Gina."
"Of course she'd want to be the first one to send a message."
"How do these things even work?"
"I think it's linked to this app and anyone can connect to the love box as long as they have the special code. To receive a message, just close it and when you get one it'll spin."
As soon as I shut the box, the little heart started spinning again. I knew that the message would be from Normani this time around.