𝐒𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 • 𝐖𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐠

Heart of Secrets

San felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders once he had told Yeosang about his past, and he felt content because the older had listened to his every word with sincerity, patience and not an ounce of judgement.

Yeosang had spoken of wanting to prove himself, and wanting to become worthy of knowing about what went on in San's mind, but in truth the older already had. San knew he wouldn't have spoken about his mother so freely and allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of the boy if had any inkling otherwise.

The overall story of San's past; how he grew up and the passing of his mother were topics San locked close to his heart. He avoided talking about his mother because it made him sad and he didn't like people seeing him upset and vulnerable, and he preferred to avoid speaking about how he was raised because he feared that if people, friend or otherwise, knew how his family struggled then they would laugh and judge him.

San during high school had eventually let down his walls and allowed Wooyoung in to learn about his past because Wooyoung was special and he wanted the younger to know and see all of him. San knew that if he told Wooyoung that he would understand that it was his very past that shaped him into the person he is and hence wasn't something to be laughed at or looked down upon.

San had always been thankful to Wooyoung's for being someone he can trust and open up to, and for a long, long time he was sure it'd only ever be Wooyoung to which he is completely comfortable being vulnerable and open with.

Yet now, unexpectedly, (but not surprisingly considering how much of an impact the boy has had since he's started to let him into his life) he has Yeosang to prove that very thought wrong.

It was strange to think that not even a month prior Yeosang was purely only a friend by mutual default, someone he acknowledged and accepted purely for his association with Wooyoung. But now in such a short space of time Yeosang had become someone he can drop down his walls for and share his past with, someone to whom regarded on his way to being just as important as Wooyoung and that was really saying something.

He adored Wooyoung to pieces and just like that he adored Yeosang too. That adoration is the exact reason he was so bold to speak of falling in love with the older boy. It's as if he knew that even with such bold words Yeosang wouldn't freak out, he knew the older would accept them.

But even with these strong trustful deep connections between himself and Yeosang, and himself and Wooyoung there were still things, or rather a singular thing San kept to himself and wanted to keep to himself for a long time to come.

San could only hope that when he did allow the pair to see what was left hidden within, that because they had seen the bulk of his vulnerabilities and understood his past that they would understand why he had certain expectations and reserves for his future.

So one day, if their throuple, couple or whatever it may be relationship gets that far, he prayed that they'll understand why it's so when he tells them that he doesn't want children of his own flesh and blood.

After watching his father breakdown after his mother passed, and living through his own pain of growing up without her in his life, San knew that he couldn't go through that again. It was hard enough looking at things from a child's perspective, so the thought of going through the pain from his father's perspective chilled him to the bone.

Sometimes, although the thought was really rather stupid because you are who you are, San believed the reason he'd settled on being gay, the reason that he'd taken an interest males over females was because he knew that if he had a wife he couldn't bear to lose her like his dad lost his mother. To lose the person you love as well as something you had created and gave life to together it was just too much to handle. He also didn't want to condemn any pre existing children, if they existed, to the motherless world he had grown up in. That was just too cruel.

San will admit he does want children, and the idea of being a father down the track when he's ready is exciting, he just doesn't want to go through watching someone carrying his child knowing that something could go wrong and that the mother and his child could die; San would rather adopt than seek a surrogate to carry a child with his genes.

In a way wanting to adopt and take care of a child already born into this world was a bit like how his mother wanted to take care of the strangers in need that she met through the second hand store. There are plenty of kids without parents living in the world so San would rather take care of them than add one of his own to the mix.

Not having children of his very own and wanting to adopt was a truth he'd come to terms with long ago and had kept to himself, not wanting to tell Wooyoung for fear of what the younger would say.

Although Wooyoung can be crazy, a little reckless, San knew that the younger wanted kids of his own down the track, and it hurt San inside knowing that what he wanted was different from what Wooyoung wanted.

San now also feared revealing that last hidden truth to Yeosang too. What does the older want? Would he accept his wishes? Would Yeosang and Wooyoung team up against him if they both wanted children of their own genes??

San's thoughts were growing too farfetched and he very quickly locked his questions away because a conversation about children is something he wanted to have when marriage was on the horizon, not only two weeks after he'd start dating the love of his life and only a couple of days since he really started to understand that a second person exists who has the foundation to protect his heart and that he can love as well.

In the present time San had better more important things to think about and keep his mind occupied with. For example, remembering how to breathe. Because breathing is important but yet right now Yeosang had just taken his breath away and San was gasping.

a/n Uggh I wrote and rewrote this chapter so many times and also nearly deleted it all together, so sorry if it makes no sense or is confusing :( If you need me to clarify something let me know!