Under the spotlight

Chapter 39: Thoughtfull

I don't know what I'm writing anymore, it just...so random now. I never had a really good plan for this, I just had images I wanted to write about. But plot-wise, this is just a mess. I'm sorry if nothing makes sense or you think it's out of context. I just honestly don't think about it when I add new stuff  ya know. But okay, just ignore my incompetence to create a meaningful and interesting plot!

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No one knows what it feels like being rejected by Katarina. I didn't know if it meant she was going to take my dances away or what. She hadn't given any hint meaning that but I couldn't help being afraid. What if she decided I wasn't ready? It infuriated me because I did feel ready. And thinking about Katarina alway brought me to that day she told me about her injury. She had opened up with me just so I felt more comfortable with her, but now...now she just took the thing I loved the most to do away from me. So yeah, I was angry.

That Monday afternoon after classes I knew what I had to do. I didn't have a dance for my solo number yet, that meant I needed to do my own discovery. She had left it hard for me to practice something because either I needed Sebastian or I couldn't rehearsal anything. I imagined what Dr. Brown would say and thought about channeling my anger. So, with that on mind it was easy to think of dance. It was the only thing I could picture. Me and a pair of pointe shoes, nothing else was needed.

So, after classes I walked towards the stage room. I needed time for myself and music. If I had music then everything was going to be okay. I didn't know if I was allowed inside the theater or what but I was going to try anyway. The moment I stepped inside the room I felt the electricity running through my body. It was like every muscle had awoken from a long sleep that had been this-almost- two weeks break.

Ballet requires a lot of commitment. That meant that having stopped dancing for so long made me sloppy and stiff. I had to warm up on stage with my pointe on and my leotard. I had longed for this feeling for all these days. There was no music, only silence around me. The reflectors were on so they pointed directly at me. They were so bright I couldn't even see the first row of seats.

When I was done with warm up I stood up and tested the shoes on the floor. One hit then another. I didn't have to put any music on, it was all in my head. I imagined the first verse to Never enough. I went on pointe and started improvising along the lyrics.

It wasn't difficult, all the contrary. Because I was the one who could manage everything I did. I didn't have Katarina's voice telling me what to do, I didn't have a pair of hands holding me down. I was finally free against the world. All my emotions were thrown against the stage. I needed everything to go away.

The part with tension came and I felt my lungs tightening. Somehow the memory of Charles came to push me around. I spun from side to side while everything seemed to be distant. The white light from the reflectors made it look like I was flying. I felt the floor disappearing as I let my mind wander around. I didn't think of the music anymore. I was just dancing my emotions out to forget.

Hands were touching me, pressing against my arms and throat. Charles' horrifying smile came to chase me like a creepy night terror. I couldn't take the memory out, I couldn't change anything. It just replayed again and again. The only sounds were my sobs and the hit of the floor. The wood echoed on the whole theater. And then I felt rage fill my whole body. I was mad at him at everyone. I wanted to run away to hide, to feel alive.

The tightening feeling didn't go away as I imagined the girls in my hometown that were always so chirpy. They had never been hit by life, they were normal. And that, for some twisted reason, made me feel so jealous of them. They had never experienced the things I had and they were still better than me. Prettier, more talented, more intelligent. My blood boiled with the memory of it.