Drive Me Crazy

chapter twenty-seven

It wasn't like I was keeping a secret from Jordan. I just wasn't going to tell him about my Saturday visit because I just didn't want him to be weird about me going alone. And I wanted to go alone but I didn't want him to feel excluded so I just um didn't tell him about it.

I hefted my cloth bag up my shoulder and rang the doorbell. The McCalisters lived in a brick row house with a cute little porch. They had a little dog named Minnie who was currently barking through the door at me.

I tried to smile to get her to stop but she just growled even louder at me so I gave up.

Mrs. McCalister opened the door a second later and immediately reached out for a hug. I squeezed back and we both let out little laughs before she ushered me in and shut the door.

"I just made cookies. You want some?"

"Sure, thank you."

"Come on over to the dinner table and I'll pull em out."

I followed behind her gingerly and set my purse down while she went to grab things from the kitchen.

"You want something to drink hon?" She asked as she set the plate down.

I shook my head. "No thank you."

She smiled at me before sitting down. She dusted her hands off on her pants as she studied me.

"How are you holding up Charlotte?"

I looked at her and was about to formulate a response but for some reason the intimacy of this moment made me want to cry.

I blinked it back but my voice gave me away. And maybe it was because we both were touched by tragedy or maybe it was because I didn't know her so well but in that moment I found it easier to tell the truth.

I looked at my feet and spoke to the floor. "I can't lie, things have been pretty tough."

She grabbed my hand. "For me too."

It went silent for a bit and then she started wiping at her face. "I've got a pretty good read on people and I think you and me are a lot alike." She said while clutching my hand tighter.

"I've always been sensitive. That's why Ray and I balanced out so well. Tapping into my emotions wasn't hard for me. Now I find that it is.

And I think it's because when someone makes you feel safe you don't have to be afraid to let go. That someone's always got your back."

I nodded as the tears from my eyes rained down, soaking into the roots.

"And now, I don't feel like I have that anymore. And letting go becomes harder because for once in my life I have no one there to catch me when I fall."

I squeezed her hand back. "You do have people in y-"

She shook her head and let out a pathetic little laugh. "But it's not the same hon. It just isn't. I have wonderful people who are a blessing to me but it just isn't the same.

I received a gift with Ray. A gift that hurts to lose but one that I will never lose love for."

She looked to her feet and drummed her fingers on her lap before resuming.

"You never stop learning in this life. First I had to learn how to let go and now I have to learn how to do that on my own. And it's scary."

I sniffled and nodded.

"I haven't cried in weeks but then you show up and here I am crying." She said with a sad laugh. "And I guess, obviously I still have some work to do but as a sensitive person I know the way I've been processing isn't healthy. I've gotta let it go and I have to learn to let things go on my own now. It's especially hard to do though, because it catches you by surprise.

At the grocery store when I see his favorite cereal. When I take my wedding ring off to wash the dishes. All these moments where I feel it building up but I can't let it go."

I squeezed her hand in acknowledgement. "This might sound rude but maybe you should try therapy."

She laughed. "That's what my daughter says. And I think she's right. I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I think I need more time to keep him to myself."

"And that's okay too." I told her. "And I get what you mean. I just have all these feelings and I don't even know what they are. It's almost numbing because I used to feel everything so intensely. I just don't know how to let go of feelings I can't even describe."

"Maybe you should try therapy," she said back to me.

I let out a sharp laugh.

"In all seriousness, why don't you talk to Jordan about it?"

"Cause he's one of the things that makes me feel so out of it."

"Did something happen?"

I shook my head. "It's more about me than him. He's the best. I just don't know if we're- if i'm being naive. I mean we're in high school. And-"

"So you're afraid?"

"Um maybe."

She nodded. "Love is a scary thing. Being in love at 18 is scarier. Because at that age what do you really know?"

I nodded in agreement and she smiled.

"At 18 you really do know nothing. But honestly at 60 I know nothing either. The only difference between you and me is your naivety. And that's a good thing. To be young and naive."

"Why?"

"Because it means you accept the world with open arms. With the freedom of innocence life is more fun. And that means when you don't have to think about the real world, you shouldn't.

It's okay to be afraid. But love isn't logical and neither is life. Shit just happens and the only thing that you need to do is take it in as it comes.

Don't fight things that make you happy Charlotte. In the end happiness is what keeps you going."

I bit my lip and let out a breath.

"That reminds me. I have something for you." She stood up suddenly and headed into the living room. She came back as quick as she came. Only this time with a small cardboard box.

"Look what I found in the attic!" she cried excitedly.

"The funny thing about Ray is that he's a hoarder. He keeps everything. The attic is a mess because of it and it's exhausting trying to clean it out. I almost threw that box away but for some reason I didn't and I ended up finding all this."

I took the box from her open arms and upon lifting the lid I laughed. "He kept all this?"

"Yeah."

It was filled with birthday cards and valentine's day cards that Jordan and I had given him. There were pictures of us from Christmas and Halloween. There was even that acrostic poem I wrote him in the third grade for poetry week.

"I wanted you to have it. I'm doing some cleaning as I said before and not that I wouldn't love pictures of you around my house. I just figured you might need it a little more."

I blinked back tears. "Thank you."

"No thank you. You were a big part of his life and this shows it. I'm so thankful that he had you."

"Other way around." I whispered.