Drive Me Crazy

chapter twenty

    I stayed home from school and was able to catch up on some much needed rest. My mom had work and so for a few hours the house was mine.
   
     I mostly laid in bed staring at the wall and talking to myself.

     Talking to myself was how I processed things. It felt like a vlog that no one would ever get to see. It was also a vlog where the innermost workings of my mind were revealed.

      However talking to yourself was kind of embarrassing so I could only do it when I was alone, hence why I chose to do it right then.

     I wandered downstairs still muttering to myself and rummaged through my cabinets for some junk. I went back upstairs and sat on my bed. As soon as I pulled the covers up over me I started crying a fucking gain.

     And even though I was tired of crying I just didn't know if I would recover from this.

***
   
      I snuck out again with Jordan that night and I forced myself to take a shower so I looked presentable. I knew Jordan wouldn't care but it was the principle of it all.
      
      We had parked in a parking lot and in order to keep from crying again I kissed him.
      
      His hands grazed my thighs and I eventually climbed over the seat to mold our bodies together. My hands went under his shirt and eventually he tugged it off so we could keep making out.
   
     My shirt came off next and his hands were moving to undo my bra when suddenly he stopped.
   
      He shook his head as if he needed to clear it and then he made eye contact with me.
   
      "Charlie," he said softly.

       My eyes filled up with tears.

      "What?" I asked as my voice cracked.

       He kissed my jaw at the sight of my tears and sighed as he drew me in.

      I started to cry into his chest.

     "Sorry," I muttered tearfully.

     "It's okay Charlie."

     "You can cry with me, you loved Ray too," I told him after a moment.

     "Yeah."
   
     The way he said it made me lift off his chest and look at him.
   
    "What?" I said while wiping my face.
  
    "I guess I feel guilty if anything."
  
    "Why?"
  
    "I feel like I should feel something about all of this but I don't think I feel anything."
   
     I stared.
 
   "It isn't like I feel good about it. Actually I feel like a really bad person for not acting like you. I'm sitting here watching everyone feel horrible about it and then there's just me."

    I bit my lip and pushed off him to make better eye contact. "There isn't a right way to grieve. Your feelings are valid whether you cry or you don't cry and honestly your emotions or lack of them might even be a defense mechanism."

    The heat was on but a sudden chill wafted up my spine and I shivered. Which had some unforeseen effects.
    
    By the time I gained some composure Jordan's eyes were making their way back up to my face.
   
    I rolled my eyes at him.

    "You need to put on a fucking shirt," he muttered.

    "I'm really that distracting?"

     He laughed. "You don't even know."

     "Shut up."

     "I'm dead ass. I've been distracted by you probably since the womb."

     I punched him and grinned. "You're annoying."
I pulled on my shirt and after I straightened it out I remembered I was emotionally broken inside due to the fact that someone I knew and loved had recently died.

    I cleared my throat and squeezed his hand. "So like I was saying. It could be a defense mechanism."
He tilted his head as if to ask what I meant.

    "I mean our body tries to shield us from harm. Our brains are smart as hell and sometimes they do things to protect us from feeling that pain. You could be numbing it out subconsciously. Or honestly you just might not be ready to grieve yet. Sometimes it doesn't hit for a while and sometimes it doesn't ever hit. Grieving is weird and however you do it is fine."
I looked down at our conjoined hands.

     "None of us think badly of you based on the way you grieve. And Ray wouldn't think badly of you either. Take it easy on yourself."

    As soon as the last word left my mouth he kissed me again. My shirt was inching its way off again when I felt a vibration in my back pocket.
Jordan reached in my pocket to pull out my phone. He looked at the screen and let out a curse before flipping it around so I could see.

  "Shit," I whined.
   
   It was my mom. My mom who was definitely going to beat my ass for sneaking out