Drive Me Crazy

chapter twenty-three

A/N *sorry for all the filler chapters! And again don't forget to vote and please leave comments if you want. Thanks everyone!

Life kinda went back to normal. As normal as it could be. Jordan and I started driving to school. I just didn't want to ride the bus any more.

School was the same old same old. Matt came back from Minnesota, then he and Margot started dating. Also Harper and Liam may have started something back up again. I kept calling her out for it but she was denying it. And when I asked Liam he just smiled at me and pulled a lock of my hair before walking away.

Jordan was still playing basketball and I was at almost everyone of his games. And this year they were probably even going to make it to state.

Things were really normal. As normal as they could be. The only thing that seemed to be off was me.

I wasn't a person who liked change and with so many things changing, my mental felt off. People kept questioning me about it but I just didn't know what to say. There weren't enough words. I was just praying that things would start looking up again.

***

I was getting ready for school and as I jumped to put on my jeans I realized I was gaining weight. Relationship weight was hitting me hard and I was unhappy about it.

I now had less of a little pouch and more like a buddha belly.

I had started mentally recalibrating my eating plans for the day and adjusting my schedule so I would have time to workout. Which made me annoyed because I hated working out.

Living in a world full of unrealistically high beauty standards freaking sucks. It feels like the world shuns you if you don't look like white Malibu Barbie. And as a black woman I'm just going to mention that looking like white Malibu Barbie is quite literally, impossible. And I've never been skinny, like never ever but everything I ate always went straight to my butt which in current times, wasn't really so bad.

It just kinda sorta made me anxious to keep up with everyone else even though I knew I should know better.

Trends come and go but when specific body types, like the thick body type, become an actual trend then you know there's a problem. A big one. And while I know this has been a problem for a while, I have to say that social media has made the problem worse.

Now, in terms of confidence, personally I fluctuated between holy shit I am the hottest person to ever live and Jesus Christ I'm ugly as fuck. So with my constant wavering confidence I oftentimes got caught up with just wanting to fit in even though, logically I knew I didn't need to "fit in."

My body was currently in the trend phase but there was a clear time when it was not. At all.

I developed fast as a kid. Fast and hard. My ass was the first part of me to grow. (My mom takes credit for that.) My boobs came in later and then in came my height. I wasn't abnormally tall for a kid but I was tallish. Especially for a girl.

    During my developing stage I felt like a freak. Everyone was so pretty and slim and I was just gross and fat. My head was telling me that everytime I walked into a room people were going to pelt tomatoes at me and hiss in horror because I was just so icky. And while that never happened, I resented myself for looking the way that I did. Until... I hit the 7th grade.

Now, I don't really thank Kim Kardashian for popularizing a body type that was already popular in the black community but I have to give credit where credit is due. Even if she doesn't deserve it. She as a white woman profited off our everyday body types and did make being "thick" mainstream.

So there I was. A 7th grade me feeling awkward and bumbly and out of place because I didn't look like the rest. Until suddenly (and I mean really suddenly) looking different was a good thing.

Suddenly, I wasn't fat anymore. I was thick. I had fat in the right places and boys who had never looked at me before started looking and I started to glow. I was reveling in all the attention. I finally felt pretty. 

And the worst part about suddenly becoming "pretty" is that you realize how much more privilege you get. How people are nicer and treat you well. How people hold the door open for you in public and flirt with you at the mall. How people make eye contact with you and pay attention to what you say.

And it sucks. Knowing that just because the culture around me changed I was suddenly pretty was strange to say the least. Because on one hand I was cool but on the other hand I had to live knowing that I was a trend. I knew one day my body would phase out and then I would go right back to being ugly.

And as a teenage girl who is pretty self aware I can admit that this shit is wack. My body should be beautiful all the time. So should all the other bodies. Because they are used for more than appearances. They keep us alive.

It's hard to remember that in the heat of the moment though. Insecurity gets us all sometimes and on that day it got me.

I pulled on a big hoodie which was Jordan's and put on some jeans. I just didn't want to be seen today. After I put my shoes on I grabbed my bag, said my goodbyes and then ran inside Jordan's car cause it was cold as hell.

As soon as I got in the car Jordan asked me if I had gotten any news yet.

I made a face. "No rat, I told you I'll get most of my college letters next week."

"Dang someone's crabby today."

I stuck my hands up as an apology. "Sorry. I'm just kinda feeling weird."

"Why?"

"I'm gaining weight and I don't like it."

"You are?"

"Yeah. It's making me feel a bit insecure."

His hand came to my thigh. "Stop playing."

"I'm not." I pulled up my shirt. "Look I'm pregnant."

His hand came to my stomach. "This?"

I nodded.

"It's cute."

"Shut up Jordan."

"I'm serious. I think it's cute. I also think you're overreacting."

I sighed. "You're my boyfriend, you have to say that."

Jordan pulled into the parking lot and turned to me. "Why would I lie about that."

"Cause you love me."

"So you're calling me a liar?"

"I mean you're like muscular and you workout a lot and I just can't relate. I don't get why you would think that."

Jordan put the car in park and looked at me with intent. Like he really wanted me to understand. "Charlie if I wanted a girl who was like me we wouldn't be dating. I want you because I know who you are and I like who you are. Don't put words into my mouth. If I say I like the way you look then I mean it."

I let out a small smile. "Okay."

We got out of the car and I felt a lot better. Jordan walked me to first period and kissed my forehead before going off to class.

I let out a wistful sigh before I stepped into AP Calc.