Drive Me Crazy

chapter sixteen

I sent in all my college applications last night. Georgetown, Northwestern, Loyola, UChicago, Brown, The U of M, DePaul and UIUC. My top was still Georgetown and my dad and I were planning to go tour it if I got in. Everyone was reassuring me that I was going to get accepted and it was slowly but surely making me more confident that things would end up going my way.

I wasn't a genius but I was involved in school and I had good grades. I was what I liked to call medium smart and even with that I tried my best to do things that made me less average. So while I may not have been the best candidate, I felt like I was a worthy candidate.

I ended up writing my college application essay on my biggest fear, the thing that caused me the most anxiety. And that was the fear of being average, at everything, at life in general. Social media had made me feel incompetent and behind my peers who seemed to be doing so well for themselves. And I internalized that, sometimes unconsciously. And then that manifested into feeling like I was off course and off track. That I wasn't good enough.

I wanted to be more and I had this crippling fear that I wouldn't ever get to where I needed to be. I was open and vulnerable for once and the feeling was scary. The words on the page seemed to pour out of my weakest spot and I hoped it only served to make me a stronger candidate. Because all that vulnerability led me to remembering that fear won't overshadow my future. It led me to remembering that college wasn't going to make or break me as a human.

    My guidance counselor loved it and I had my English teacher edit it. And then with a deep breath I sent in all of my college apps and wiped my hands clean. All I could do now is pray that God granted me a miracle.

***

I was sitting on the bus and it was currently day 4 of no show Ray. We were all getting worried about him and we decided if he wasn't back after the holiday we were going to investigate further.

Tomorrow was the start of Thanksgiving break and my family and I were flying to Texas. It was our annual tradition to go visit my mom's side for Thanksgiving and my dad's side for Christmas.

My mom's side could throw down in the kitchen and Thanksgiving for me was spent in food heaven. I was currently blathering on and on about all the things I was going to eat to Jordan and he just looked at me like he thought I was cute.

We got off the bus and I was forced to stop talking as I said goodbye to everyone. Jordan pulled me off the bus and dragged me towards school. I didn't shut up though.

"Jordan when I come back I will be the size of your house. You will have to roll me around. That is how much I will eat."

He looked at me in disbelief. "It's okay. I like my girls thick."

I started to laugh but then sobered up dramatically. I stopped in my tracks and narrowed my eyes playfully. "Girls?" I questioned him, emphasising that he used the plural.

"Shit," he mumbled.

"It's been like a month and you have another one?" I shook my head at him. "I'm sick."

"You know what I meant."

I was in the mood to be annoying. "I don't actually."

He smacked my ass. "Shut up and take the compliment."

I reared back my head and laughed. "You are just digging yourself in deeper."

    He had no response and just kept dragging me towards our school.

***

    I went over with Jordan to pick up Matt's from his house after school so we could hangout. He was staying with his Mom until the new year. So we wouldn't see him until January. Harper was going to tag along once we left because I wasn't the girl who ditched her friends when she got a boyfriend. And since we were going bowling I felt like it would be more fun if she came.