The Moon in her Broken Home (Broken Series #1)

Fractum 43

Broken 43: Aminin

He took me to a fancy restaurant. Ang doctor’s gown ko ay itinupi ko kanina at iniwan ko muna pansamantala sa backseat ng Bentley niya.

“Kapag nakuha ko na ang unang sweldo ko, ako naman ang manlilibre sa iyo!” nagmamalaki kong sabi sa kaniya habang kumakain kami.

Nginisian niya ako at napailing siya, “I won’t let you spend your money for me,” nangingisi niyang sgaot.

“That’s not fair! At hindi naman para sa iyo lang, ‘no. It’s for us, you should say,” parangal ko sa kaniya.

Umiling lang siya. He did not answer to what I said but instead he opened another topic for us.

Hindi niya nga ako hinayaang ilibre siya sa unang sweldo ko. Imbes na ilibre ko siya, nag-isip na lang ako ng ibibigay sa kaniya para sa July twelve, sa birthday niya.

We’ve been celebrating our anniversary and birthdays together. Noong una ay nako-corny-han ako pero katagalan ay nakasanayan ko na rin. I’m not good with gifts. Si Clarkson ang mas magaling sa ganiyan.

What do you give to a man? What gift do you give for a man in his birthday? What gift do you give to your boyfriend for his birthday?

Nagsusuot ba ng necklace ang mga lalaki? Napatungo ako sa kahihiyan. Ngayon, ito ang sinasabi kong nakakatanga sa pag-ibig.

Naisip kong masyadong mahal ang ginto. I chose silver instead.

Sa huli, isang authentic silver na chain necklace na may pendant na maliit na eroplano ang ibinili ko para sa kaniya. I bought myself my own necklace but with a thinner silver lace and a small stethoscope pendant. My stethoscope pendant matched well with his airplane pendant.

Napatitig ako sa kaniya ngayon habang nagmamaneho siya pauwi dahil sinundo niya ako galing sa ospital sa pangalawang taon ko ng residency. I smiled as I stare at his arrogant look with the necklace I gave him on his neck.

I’m a doctor who’s inlove with a pilot. I’m a Neurosurgeon who’s inlove with a Captain of the Flight.

Nangingiting umiling ako sa sarili ko at nagsimulang kalikutin ang radio ng kotse niya. The other channels sound like rain and I stopped a bit when I heard a channel that has good reception. Tuluyan akong napatigil nang marinig ang pamilyar na kanta sa radio.

“I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand,”

Napaawang ang labi ko. Nakagat ko agad ng mariin ang dila ko sa pamilyar na kantang Iris. Mabilis na nag-init ang mga mata ko.

Ngayon ko lang ulit ito napakinggan. Matapos ang labinlimang taon, ngayon ko lang ulit ito napakinggan. Kung kailan na sa pangalawang taon na ako ng residency ko, saka ko pa narinig ang kantang ito.

“When everything’s meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am,” kanta sa radyo.

Natigil lang ako nang may iba na akong nalasahan sa bibig ko. Nabalik agad ako sa huwisyo ko at agad na inilipat ang channel ng radio. Nang mapakinggang walang maayos na channel, pinatay ko na lang ang radio at tahimik akong lumingon sa bintana.

I thought it was a coincidence. Akala ko wala lang na mapakinggan ko ang isang kanta na isa sa naging mga dahilan ng pagkasira ko dati. Akala ko normal lang pero nang mapatitig ako sa cellphone ko na nagri-ring sa tawag ni Mama, napagtanto kong para palang sumpa ang muling pagkakarinig ko sa kantang iyon.

Parang bumabalik sa akin lahat. Parang masisira ulit ako dahil sa lahat.

Napatitig lang ako sa cellphone ko. Clarkson held my hand to see who the caller is but he did not bother to answer nor decline the call. He let me decide for myself.

Nahahapong umakyat ako papunta sa master’s bedroom ng bahay ni Clarkson. Napupuno na ng luha ang mga mata nang maupo ako sa gilid ng kama ni Clarkson. Clarkson kept quiet as he sat down near me.

PhP 40,000 ng sweldo ko ay sa Mama ko napupunta. PhP 20,000 ng sweldo ko ay ibinibigay ko kay Papa. I give the small amount of PhP 10,000 to Tita Marinita because she supported me so much in my studies to be a doctor. The remaining PhP 10,000 stays in my bank account.

I am literally letting my mother lay in a bed of money. She gets the most of my salary. I give her the largest amount of money I can in order for her to not say anything bad about me anymore.

Para ipakita na kahit hindi ko sinunod ang utos niya na maging inhinyero ako, malaki pa rin ang naibibigay ko sa kaniyang pera sa pagiging doktor ko. I am not as rich as an engineer. But I give her so much of my salary already. Am I still not enough?

Naingat ko ang tingin ko sa kisame para pigilan ang pagluha ko. Kumurap-kurap ako at humugot ng malalim na hininga para hindi manginig ang boses ko. I swiped the green symbol of my mother’s call in my phone.

Ngayon lang siya tumawag mula noong pumasok ako sa medical school. Ngayon lang siya na sa akin mismo tumawag dahil kay Papa naman siya dumidirekta mula noong senior highschool na hindi na ako sumunod sa kaniya. Sa pagkakaalam ko ay wala siyang numero ko dahil nagpalit ako mula noong mag-medical school ako. My SIM card expired that time.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibubungad. Hindi ko alam kung tatawagin ko pa ba siyang Mama. Hindi dahil hindi ko na siya iniisip na ina kundi dahil sa tingin ko ay wala akong karapatan. She never wanted me alive and I strayed far from her orders.

“Hello po,” mahinang bungad ko.

I set it to loud speaker. Nagkatinginan kami ni Clarkson at nakita ko ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya.

He never knew what was happening between me and my mother. He had enough hunches but never a confirmation from me.

“Hindi ka pa ba mag-aasawa?! Ang tanda-tanda mo na, wala ka pa ring asawa! Kung nag-engineer ka na lang, sana may pamilya ka na ngayon!” bungad agad ni Mama.

Napaamang ako roon. A fire ignited in me and it isn’t anger. It’s the hurt that was already deeply buried in me.

Clarkson held my hand at that. Kukunin niya sana ang cellphone ko pero dahan-dahan at seryoso akong umiling sa kaniya.

No, you can’t stop my mothers call, Clarkson. After six years without her call and only my visits at her with her call and angry words, this is what she starts to me in a phone call. That she wants me to have a husband already.

That’s not for her to decide. That’s for me. That’s for me and my partner. That’s for me and Clarkson. And that’s not now.

Because I did not let Clarkson manipulate my phone, he hugged me sideways instead. Ang pagdausdos ng isang kamay niya pulupot sa baywang ko at ang pagdikit noon sa isa pa niyang kamay ang tanging naging sandigan ko.

When he pulled me closer to him like our bodies wasn’t already brushing against each other, I gave one hurt sigh. Isinandal niya ang pisngi niya sa balikat ko habang sabay naming pinapakinggan ang boses ni Mama na nagagalit dahil hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako kasal.

“Sinabi ko naman sa iyo, wala kang mapapala sa pagdodoktor mo! Sana nag-engineer ka na lang, nakamit mo pa ang pangarap ko na sinira mo at sana’y mas mataas ang sweldo mo!” bulyaw niya mula sa kabilang liniya.

Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang mga luha ko. Tahimik akong nakikinig sa isinisigaw ni Mama. Nanunumbalik sa akin lahat. Naibabalik sa akin lahat ng mga beses na tahimik akong umiiyak dahil bawal kay Mama iyon. Nanunumbalik sa akin lahat na kahit gaano man ako tumanda, may mga sugat pa rin pala na mababaw lang ang paghilom. That my mother’s words and type of discipline will be haunting me for my lifetime.

“Tangina, sana talaga nailaglag na lang kita!” she screamed and her call ended.

Doon lang nakalabit ang maingay kong paghikbi. Bumagsak sa sahig ang cellphone ko at napapikit ako ng mariin habang sunod-sunod ang pagbuhos ng luha ko. Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko at napailing-iling sa sarili ko.

Clarkson is fast in his reflex. From his arms resting in a hug for me, he immediately pushed my head to be buried in his chest. Yakap-yakap na niya ako ng buong buo dahil pati mga braso ko ay nakapaloob na sa kaniya. Buong katawan ko ang nasa mahigpit na yakap niya at mas lalo akong napahagulgol sa dibdib niya.

It’s so unfair to him. It’s so unfair for him that he met the Laudes already but he has not yet met my mother. It’s so unfair for him to listen to the phone call of my mother and listen to my cries right now without him knowng the reason. It’s so unfair. My life has been so unfair to be and to those who I cherish so much.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano na ako katagal na humagahulgol sa dibdib niya dahil pakiramdam ko, hindi matitigil sa lalong madaling panahon ang mga luha ko. Na naipon lahat sa akin mula noong nag-aral ako sa kolehiyo.

Na ang iniiyikan ko lang noon ay ang grado ko at parang sinasabi sa akin ngayon na dapat ko pa ring iyakan ang lahat. Na matapos ang mga panahon, matapos ang maraming panahon. Kailangan ko pa rin palang isipin at iyakan ang lahat.

I can’t believe it. I can’t surpass it. My memories ran through my mind from the moment I first heard the details of my family and I did not understand. My memories ran through the hurtful memories and my traumas. My memories made me remember how much I cried in my teenage years and it slapped me that I still cry at it in my adult years.

“Show me all your scars. Tell me everything that hurts you. Show me the times when I should have been there but I couldn’t. Open up to me now because I am here by your side starting now,” he softly said to me.

In that line of his, I opened up everything.

“My mother never wanted me alive,” I started.

I can’t believe it. para kong binubuksan ang isang malalim na sugat na akala ko naghilom na pero hindi pa pala dahil mababaw lang na natakluban ang sakit ng sugat na iyon. Na may mas isasakit pa pala ang katotohanan na tumanda na ako at lahat, malapit ko nang makamit ang pagiging doktor ko at lahat, nandito pa rin pala.

Iyong pakiramdam na may isang bagay na hindi mawawala sa iyo sa lalong madaling panahon.

I started narrating my painful experiences to him there. He did not flinch. He did not say anything. He stayed quiet and he only listened.

Napatigil ako nang bahagya nang mapagtantong kailangan ko ring sabihin sa kaniya ang isa sa pinakamasakit na katotohanan sa buhay ko. Na nasaksihan ko iyon hindi dahil kailangan ko kundi dahil na sa paligid ako. That it was something I could not have seen but my mother did not have the means to do it in a more private place.

“I witnessed my mother having sex with someone who isn’t my father,” I finally confessed to him.

Doon lang siya napatigil. Doon lang siya tila nabato. Doon ko lang naramdaman na halos hindi na siya huminga. Nang makabalik siya sa sarili niya, ang pahigpit lang ng yakap niya ang naramdaman ko mula sa kaniya.

“It was so traumatic! I still can’t get it out of my mind! A-akala ko wala na… akala ko wala na, Clarkson! I thought I buried it inside me or I throwed it away. It stayed with me. It fucking traumatized me so much that even now that I have aged, I still have it!” sunod-sunod kong sabi habang humihikbi ako sa kaniya.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Hindi niya ako pinatigil sa pagsasalita. Naramdaman ko lang ang paghigpit ng yakap niya na para bang hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga naririnig niya ngayon. Na para bang pag niluwagan man lang niya ang kapit niya sa akin, makakalayo ako agad.

I continued with my narration. I continued and I told him even the start and the end. I cried so much while narrating because everytime I close my eyes, I could see the scenes flashing in my mind over and over again!

At kahit nakalampas na ako sa bahaging iyon ng pagsasalaysay ko sa kaniya, hindi man lang lumuwag ang yakap niya sa akin. His actions tell me how he wanted to be there in the times I have broken down alone. His warm tight hug on me now tells be how much he got shocked on how deep of a pit of misery my life is.

I told him even the issue of me with Luxen. How we still managed to be friends and how I started to be close to him. How I got through the junior highschool life with only Luxen as a friend. And I even managed to them him a small detail of the hurtful past.

“I had a classmate named Iris. I envy her parents’ love story so much. I envied even the love song of her parents. She’s named a-after her parents’ love story. When I heard that song in between Luxen and I’s issue and the burning hate of my mother for me, I… I cried so much…” nahihikbi kong kwento.

Kanina ko pa naibaba nag kamay ko at pahigpit na ng pahigpit ang kapit ko sa damit niya. My strong fists crushed his t-shirt so much and his chest is already soaking wet because of my nonstop tears.

Kapag sinusibukan kong pigilan ang pagbuhos ng mga luha ko, mas bumabagsak lang ang mga iyon. And it made me realize more how hurt I have been that even I can’t control the overflow my tears.

“The realization haunted me so much! The reality slapped me so hard! The hurt was so unbearable and even your words of how I was scared to love because of my parents broken love story haunted me! It’s true! It hurted me so much because I was late in realizing it!” malakas kong sabi sa dibdib niya.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” he whispered to my ears.

Umiling ako. He shouldn’t be sorry for something that is true. Umiiling ako ng osbra sa dibdib niya pero ang tangi niya lang na ipinaranas sa akin ay ang init at higpit ng yakap niya sa akin. I couldn’t help but continue with my cries more.

“It was extremely hurtful to realize how much I was already broken, and that I will always belong to a broken home!” I confessed hurtfully.

Sunod-sunod akong napahikbi. Nagtataas-baba ang dibdib ko sa sakit na muling nararamdaman matapos ang mga taong naghihirap ako para sa pangarap ko.

“I wanted to bury it! I wanted to bury my traumatic past… I… I buried it. I only realized now how temporary it was because it haunts me again now!” nasasaktang kwento ko.

His warm hug on me never loosened. Kahit naramdman ko na ang paulit ulit niyang paghagod sa mahaba kong buhok, dama ko pa rin ang higpit ng yakap niya na hindi man lang lumuluwag.

“I-it’s a messed up life. It’s a messed up past. My decisions are all messed up but I d-don’t regret it, clark. I don’t regret moving away from the toxicity given by my own mother…” I confessed to him.

Nararamdaman ko ang bahagyang panginginig ng kanang kamay ko sa higpit ng kapit ko kay Clarkson. It was as if I was holding on to the sanity that I needed for me to stop but I know even I, don’t want to stop because I want to tell him everything, for me to not be unfair to him.

“That the mother who should have loved me all her lie, and should have caressed me so much, who should have protected me in a good way as I was a child, never even wanted me alive! She wanted me gone! I am the living evidence of my parents’ mistake! O-of my mother’s mistake! Na kahit gaano man kaperpekto ang gawin ko, may isang kulang…”

My mother.

“Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit ang sakit-sakit na, may mga bagay pa rin akong ginagawa para sa kaniya! Na pag-ibig ang dahilan ng sakit na nararamdaman ko mula noong kabataan ko pero hindi pag-ibig para sa isang lalaki o ibang tao kundi sa Mama ko…” umiiyak na pag-amin ko.

“Sobrang sakit mahalin ng Mama ko dahil alam kong kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ako mamahalin ng nag-iisang taong sana’y naging sandalan ko! And it’s my own mother who have hurt me so much! Hindi niya man lang alam na sobrang nasasaktan pa rin ako dahil sa kaniya…” sa huli’y sabi ko at naging hikbi na ang mga salita ko.

I did not stop my narration there. I did not stop it there because it wasn’t the end.

Tinuloy ko hanggang umabot sa kahulihan ng mga nangyari sa gitna namin ng Mama ko. Sinabi ko sa kaniya lahat ng nangyari, lahat ng naramdaman ko, lahat ng sakit na naranasan ko, pati ang pagkakakonekta ng mga nangyari sa gitna namin ng Mama ko sa amin ni Clarkson ngayon.

I did not belive in love firstly, because of the broken family that was given to me, second the trauma that my mother and her ex-boyfriend had given me, and lastly the hurtful accusations and curses that my mother gave me. I did not believe in love. I couldn’t. The traumatic experiences I had gave me the endless nightmares even when I was awake. I lived with the trauma that has been haunting me all my life.

I needed the distance when I was my younger self. I could not handle to trust anyone else other than the Laudes. I got broken to the point of nothingness.

I told him everything, from the smallest detail to the biggest trauma.

That night, I slept in his arms with tears in my cheeks. The feeling was so heavy for me that it opposed so much to my first sleep in his arms where I only felt at peace. I cried myself to sleep, in Clarkson’s warm caress.