The Moon in her Broken Home (Broken Series #1)

Fractum 36

Broken 36: Boyfriend

When did it start? When did I notice his expressions? When did I had my change of noticing his expressions?

The first time I saw him, I saw everything in him because I was interested. I wanted to know him. I wanted to dig through him.

Pero noong nawala ang interes ko sa kaniya, kasabay noong nawala ang pagpansin ko sa tono ng pananalita niya, sa mga ekspresyon niya, at sa kaniya.

I saw him again. I saw his expressions again. I saw everything in him again because I like him. I liked him.

More of reasons why I don’t want to be involved in the word called love. Sa oras na umibig ka, your reasonings will fly out of the window. May rason ka nga, hindi naman katanggap-tanggap.

I had it once or twice. I knew. My reasonings were slowly flying out of the window and I don’t want that.

I need my reasonings because I was young. I needed my façade for me to not be young and weak. I was young. I did not need the strong feelings back when I was young, I only needed my studies.

The only thing I was holding onto is the fact that when everything is over, I’ll be free and happy. That when I am done, I can be more of myself. That I can find the other half of myself; which is my older self that will fit with my younger self.

Mabilis akong hinila ni Jainez at Alexandra paalis doon. Hindi lang dahil sa napansin nila ang pilotong si Clarkson kundi pati na rin sa papaalis na kaming mga Laude.

Hindi na ako hinayaan na magmaneho ng sarili. Si Konti na ang nagmaneho sa motorsiklo ko at naging pasahero na lang ako. Kahit sa pagkakasakay ay wala ako sa sarili kaya napilit ako ni Konti na yumakap sa kaniya.

Nakasandal lang ako sa likod niya at kahit noong na sa harap na pala kami ng building ng condo unit ni Tita Marinita ay hindi ko pa namalayan.

“Nakita mo?” nag-aalinlangang tanong ni Xandra.

Wala sa sarili akong tumango, sa sahig nakatingin.

“Huy, ang gwapo! May igagawapo pa pala ang isang iyon!” matabil na sabi ni Celeste.

Tila gatilyo iyon na gumising sa akin. The hell! My façade was immediately fading!

Maingay ang mga Laude sa loob ng condo unit ni Tita Marinita. Natural akong tahimik kaya hindi nila napapansin pero mas tahimik ako ngayon kaysa sa nakasanayan ko. Tanging ang tatlo lang ang nakapansin noon.

Halos isang dekada na akong nakatira rito. Only with a few nights out for going back to Batangas and Cavite. Hindi ako nagtatagal sa Batangas sa takot na makasalamuha o makita man lang siya, tapos nandito pala siya…?

After all these years, narito lang pala ang pinagtataguan ko?

Piloto siya? Naglalaro sa isip ko ang pagtawag ng isang pamilyar na lalaki sa kaniya ng ‘Captain’. Ang uniporme niyang pangpiloto. Ang isang pin na agila sa kaliwa niyang dibdib.

Hindi ko alam ang kurso niya sa kolehiyo noon pero third year college na siya noong umalis ako. Kung ganoon, gaano na siya katagal na ganito lang pala siya kalapit sa akin?

Natural ko siyang hindi makikita. Bukod sa pagpunta ko sa unibersidad na pinag-aaralan ko, nagkukulong lang ako sa kwarto. The chances of meeting him here in Manila are so low until I was the one to go to the airport.

“Hindi ka ba iinom ng wine man lang, Agape?” tumatawang biro ni Tita Marinita sa akin.

Our family laughed. They know I don’t and I can’t drink because of my responsibilities in college. Mahinang ngiti ang iginawad ko kay Tita Marinita.

“Hindi na po, Tita. May pag-aaralan pa po ako sa mga subjects ko,” magaan kong sagot.

The Laudes laughed more at my answer. Papa couldn’t help but add a comment, “Hindi mo yan mapipikot, Tagay. Ang pagiging doctor niya yata ang aasawahin niyan,” natatawa niyang biro na ikinatawa rin namin.

I did not dismiss from their happy moment but I did not participate, too. Nakakasakit sa ulo na mabigat na nga ang pinag-aaralan ko sa pagdodoktor ko, dumagdagdag pa ang isipan ko sa… to that… I can’t even call him a boy anymore!

I let myself drown in the fact that I’m thinking about him today. I just saw him after almost a decade, it’s normal to think about him… but not this much—the hell!

I’m sure it’s not me anymore. I’m sure I’m not the one he loves, anymore. Iniwan ko siya na ang huli niyang pabaon sa akin ay nagustuhan niya lang ako dahil sa ganda ko!

He’s the Captain of the Flight. The head pilot. The captain pilot. Surely, he would have given interest with one or two of the flight attendants?

Yes. It’s not. It’s not me anymore. It will never be me anymore.

I teared up earlier. I should not have. Lalo na sa makikita niya. My façade crumbled down the floor. I can’t let that be anymore.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Hinagilap ko ang mga mata ng mga malalapit na pinsan ko sa akin at nakitang nakatingin rin sila sa akin. Kalmado na akong bumuntong hininga bago kumurap ng isa sa kanila.

I won’t let him affect me again. I’m graduating again. I seriously need my studies.

Isang linggo na nang dumating si Tita Marinita sa Pilipinas. Sumama siya kina Papa pabalik sa Batangas noong pangatlong araw pa lang niya rito. She said she wanted to experience the Philippine province again and for her to not bug me while I’m still studying. It’s okay for me.

Si Xandra ay hindi pa uuwi sa Batangas. She did not want to leave me alone. I think we have the same state too; tulala lang sa sahig paminsan-minsan hanggang kadalasan.

Mas madalas nga lang ako sa bilis ng pagbalik sa huwisyo dahil ako, nag-aaral pa at siya ay nagtatrabaho na. Pumapasok sa isip ko madalas ang lalaking iyon, pero tinataboy ko na lang palayo.

I have not seen that man again. Finally, I can call him a man!

Hindi ko naman sinusubukang umiwas. Normal pa rin ang ruta ko sa motorsiklo ko kapag pumapasok sa school. Nabuhay ako ng tatlong taon na hindi siya nakikita kahit paulit ulit na ang daan kong ito. Nabuhay rin ako ng hindi siya nakikita sa naunang apat na taon ko sa pre-med.

Sinalubong ako ng kaisa-isa kong kaibigan sa kolehiyong ito. Ipinarada ko ng maayos ang motor ko sa parking lot at inayos ang bahagyang nagusot kong uniporme.

“Sanguine…” he called to get my helmet.

Hinayaan ko siya roon. I naturally smiled at him before I nodded. Magkasama kaming pupunta sa locker room para ilagay ang motorbike keys at helmet ko, para na rin kumuha ng mga libro. Sa labas lang siya dahil magkahiwalay ang locker room ng babae at lalaki.

I did not see the need to look for friends even in the start of my college life. I know that it isn’t needed. Karamihan sa mga tao ay pakitang tao lang at hindi mo malalaman kung totoo ba sila o hindi. But one look in my batchmates, I know that they are not to be trusted.

Xanthinuous Austen is my past suitor. I rejected him twice or thrice before he finally settled to only be a friend. Noong una niyang sinabi sa aking tinatanggap niya ang pagkakaibigan lang ay ramdam ko pa rin ang pag-asa niya pero kalaunan ay nawala na at purong pagkakaibigan na lang.

Xanthine Austen has the same family name as one of my seniors back in Cavite. I just guessed that Austen is a common surname.

I still have contacts with Luxen. Even with Felicity and Morene. I did not have any more girl friend than the two from Batangas and my closest cousins. Kahit dito sa Maynila ay lalaki rin ang tangi kong kaibigan. I guess, I can only have girl friends in Batangas, huh?

“Good afternoon po, Sir,” nakangiting bati ko sa nakasalubong na lalaking propesor.

“Good afternoon, Sir,” sunod na bati ni Xanthine sa gilid ko.

I search for tips for freshmen college students before. Ang sabi’y dapat kilala ako ng mga propesor at madalas ko rin daw na batiin sa hallway ang makakasalubing na propesor para mas makilala ako nito. At first it was something I do for grades and socialization but eventually, it became a habit.

“Good afternoon, Mister Austen and Miss Laude,” balik sa amin ng mabuting propesor.

May iba talagang professor na pang terror at may ibang mabuti naman. Natuto na lang akong makisama sa lahat dahil sa una pa lang ay magaling naman ako makisalamuha. May isang malaki matangkad at makapal na pader bilang façade ko pero nasanay at magaling pa rin akong makipagkapwa-tao.

Nauna na si Xanthine sa klase niya dahil magkaiba kami ng klase. He’s under cardiothoracic sugery and I’m under neurosurgery. Hindi lahat ng klase namin ay pareho pero pareho ang lahat ng time schedule namin. I’ve been with him since pre-med.

Sa gitnang first row ako umupo para kita ako ng professor at makakapakinig ako ng maayos. It will be easier for me to recite too, in case. It’s easier for me now because even in my first year in med school, I already realized the strategies and techniques of my professors in their given quizzes and exams.

It’s a way to ace my exams, to even pass it. In college, it’s not easy to pass an exam.

Pumayag akong sumama kay Xanthine sa birthday niya matapos ang midterms. Maluwag pa ang schedule namin dahil kakatapos lang ng exams. Pumayag na rin ako para makakalma at makagala naman. It’s not a bar nor a club out. It’s a house party but knowing Xanthine, his house will be more than a superclub.

Isinama ko na si Xandra. She likes these things but not as Celeste loves these. Tago ako sa mga ganito dahil mas tutok ako sa pag-aaral. Imbes na mag-bar at club, nagkukulong ako sa kwarto para makapag-aral. Kagaya ng halos sumpa ko noong senior highschool pa lang ako.

I am wearing a red glittery sequin dress. The top half is in a spaghetti strapped straight chest shape. Bahagyang nakaangat at labas ang gitnang hiwa ng dibdib ko roon kahit isang straight at almost square ang shape.

I like my boobs. Noong mas bata pa ako ay ikinakatakot ko ang curvy shape ko pero ngayong na sa tamang edad na ako, it’s just good, better than the average.

The dress hugs my curvy body down my hips and it cuts to half my thighs. It has a soft and wide ruffle end and in front, it looks like a miniskirt but in the back it has a semi long train connecting the ruffles. That’s what makes it look like a red old Hollywood dress.

I paired it with a high nude colored pumps that matches well with my skin tone, making my legs appear longer and my over all height taller. I put some make up on and I gave my hair a clean high ponytail look with its curls on its ends. I remember why I let my hair grow long, very long.

Travis Clarkson Montealegre loved my beautiful young self with short hair. I let my hair grow, erasing the short-haired memories of myself with Clarkson’s smiles. I took it as a step to finally go back to what we were before; strangers.
Ang ibang mahahabang buhok ay pinuputol ang buhok nila kapag nasaktan o iniwan o ano. Matagal nang maikli ang buhok ko noong teenage days ko at hinayaan ko itong humaba ng humaba matapos kong iwan si Clarkson roon na walang salita.

Alexandra is wearing her velvelty, also red mini dress to match with me. It’s a tube style that I don’t recommend with her flat boob size but she likes it. It hugs her body well, too. Her straight hair hangs on her waist and I already put make up on her. Nakatakong siya pero mababa lang at kulay itim. It’s a single ankle straped two inched black block heels.

We’re a natural head turner but I don’t have common friends with Xanthine. Some boys greet me and I only greet them back for socialization, and the conversation is immediately cut off. Lumapit lang ako kay Xanthine and Xandra is now long gone, in the sea of people, booming loud music, and neon lights.

“Sanguine!” he happily greeted me with a glass of champagne in his hand.

“Xanthine,” kalmado kong bati sa kaniya.

A familiar tall man beside him faced me. Napakurap ako ng isang beses at mabilis na napagtantong siya ang senior ko dati na Austen din ang apilyedo. More than that, he’s the man who called Clarkson on the airport!

Nginitian ako ng lalaki. Mabilis na natawa si Xanthine, “This is my cousin,” he informed.

Tumango na lang ako. I know this man. Xanthine offered me a glass of champagne but I declined.

I did not mind the fact that he’s a common acquaintance between Clarkson, Xanthine and I. Naisip ko na lang na hindi naman kasama si Clarkson dito at naimbitahan lang ang lalaking iyon dahil pinsan siya ni Xanthine.

I excused myself from Xanthine and his cousin to wander around the house alone, without Xandra, who is probably roaming around the area, too. I hope she doesn’t make trouble. She’s too old for that, anyway.

Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa bandang likod ng mansion nina Xanthine. May isang fountain na may mataas na angel sa gitna. The backyard is lit dimly by the lights in the house and the shining moon. Naglakad pa ako nang may napagtanto.

I really have something for the back part of an house, huh? Sa likod ng bahay nina Everette ko unang nakita… si… that… man….

“So, you’re just here…” a manly voice trailed off, seeming like there’s more he can say.

Halos mapatalon ako sa boses na iyon. Akala ko mag-isa ako pero mukhang kanina pa siya nakaupo sa gilid ng fountain, natatabunan lang ng lawak at tangkad ng anghel nito sa gitna.

I bit my tongue. Pumunta ako sa party na ito para makakalma pero ito ako ngayon at mukhang mas maii-stress. I did not mind Xanthine’s cousin being in here but here is the man I don’t want to have an interaction with.

Clarkson is here in front of me, sitting by the fountain. His loose black and blue vertical striped long sleeves has two opened buttons, with a loose black necktie in this collar. His black fitted slacks hug his strong thighs to tight and his whole outfit is paired with his black shoes and himself only accessorized by a silver watch.

“…hiding,” he continued his words.

Bumuntong hininga ako. I can feel myself almost so soft to the point of sitting in the grass but I am holding on so tight to my sanity.

“I am not hiding,” I answered him.

Inangat niya ang kamay niya sa akin, nakalahad at mukhang nagyayaya. Nang iangat ko ulit ang tingin ko sa kaniya, malambot na ang ekspresyon niya sa akin. I had a glimpse of some black irregular root-like lines below his neck down to his chest.

How come he looks so soft to me, but he looks so hard to others?

Wala sa sarili akong humakbang palapit sa kaniya. Dahil mas malapit na ako sa kaniya ay nahagilap niya ang kamay ko.

He pulled me swiftly and strongly that I almost sat down on his lap! Thanks to my reflex, I immediately sat down his side before I sat on him! The hell!

Nilapit niya ang sarili niya sa akin, hawak-hawak pa rin ang kamay ko at marahang humahaplos ang hinlalaki niya sa magkakadikit kong daliri.

Iritado ko siyang tiningnan, naputol na ang litid ng pagiging civilized na tao. He shifted more to me like he doesn’t know that I value personal space so much!

Memories rushed back to me with his maniac-like words back then and how he told me he only loved me because of my looks!

Mabilis kong hinila paalis ang kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya at agad akong tumayo. Tumayo rin siya sa harap ko and even with my high heels, he still towered over me. His large frame covered mine and I can see a bit of his long hair that is disheveled manly, which I’m not familiar of with him!

Isang mapaglarong ngiti ang ibinigay niya sa akin. It’s his usual playful smile back then but there’s something more. May halong… paghahamon ang ngiting iginawad niya sa akin na kahit hindi naman dapat, nakaramdam ako ng sakit at nasasaktan ako ngayon.

His smiled reached his eyes once but came back with the playful one. Parang may kumurot sa puso at pagkatao ko kahit iritado ang ekspresyon ko habang nakatingala ako sa kaniya.

Yumuko siya kaya napalapit ang mukha namin sa isa’t-isa. The playful and challenging smile never left his lips as he looked down more on me.

“I don’t see a boyfriend with you. I should apply now to be one of yours,” he said, like a challenge.

Napaawang ang labi ko roon. It has been years. We have gone away from each other for too long. Imbes na kumusta ang itanong niya sa akin, agresibo siyang nagsasabi na gusto niya akong mapasakaniya.

“I want to be your boyfriend.” he said so final that I could not even see the old Clarkson in him.