The Moon in her Broken Home (Broken Series #1)

Fractum 40

Broken 40: Sigurado

I am very goal driven. I am so goal driven that I needed to set aside the past and my reality—along with my set of traumatic experiences and memory. Aside from those, I set aside what happened with Clarkson and I back then. The bad memories, and even the good memories. I blinked it all off, to achieve my goals.

I don’t regret it. I said before that I’ll think about it and settle it all after I graduate and reach my goals. Sa sobrang pagsasantabi ko noon at katagalan, akasananayan ko nang isantabi na kahit nakamit ko na ang mga kailangan ko, naisasantabi ko pa rin.

I did not like him at first, I am certain. I was interested in him but that feeling faded. It came back, somewhere around when he showed me his good side.

I wanted my feelings gone after leaving him again for the second time without a word. He told me he only liked me because of my looks, who would be happy because of that? I wanted my studies too, more than I liked him.

At some point, I felt that he was nothing anymore around my college years. That he came to my mind but I wanted him gone off my thoughts too.

But who am I kidding? My feelings never changed. My feelings were never lost. If they changed, how come I still like him after all those years? If they were lost, why did I cry the moment I saw him again after almost a decade without him?

If my feelings were gone I should not have hidden myself everytime I go home to Batangas. I would have let him see me, but I didn’t, because I was afraid that he might see me, and get angry at me, and eventually hate me.

I teared up the first time I saw him again after eight years, never the same, and never the same Clarkson I liked years ago. I cried because I know that he’ll never be the same. I was so sure. I was.

I wanted to think that it wasn’t me anymore. I wanted to believe that it would never be me who he likes anymore. Gusto kong maniwala na hindi na ako ang gusto niya dahil hindi ako makapaniwalang matapos ang halos sampung taon, siya pa rin ang gusto ko!

I did not want him to know that I was hiding from him because I did not want him to know that I was still doing something for him. Eventhough I was hiding from him, it was still for him and his sake.

It was so hurtful for me to see him after so many years… How he changed, how he did not care about my personal space anymore, how challenging and arrogant he is now, that he is not the same boy I liked. Na hindi na dapat ako nasasaktan sa kaniya noon dahil wala na dapat akong gusto sa kaniya ngayon.

Mahirap para sa akin na matapos ang mga nagdaang taon, bumabagsak pa rin ako sa kaniya. Na pilitin ko mang mawala yung nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya, nandito pa rin, nakatago lang sa akin. That one look at his pitch black eyes, and I’m back to him again.

Totoong natakot ako. Totoong kinakavahan ako kung babagsak man ako. Matapos lahat ng pinaghirapan ko para lang matuloy ang pagiging doctor ko, matapos kong suwayin ang Mama ko para sa gusto ko, hindi ko kakayanin kung babagsak pa ako dahil lang sa isang lalaki.

I have gone too far to stray. But after being with him, I realized I didn’t stray, that maybe because of my faithfulness with my studies, and the years without him, he could not distract me anymore, the only thing he can be is an inspiration for me.

Noong araw na buksan ko ang pinto ng unit ni Tita Marinita at naroon siya sa sahig, miserableng nakaupo, nag-glitch ang mga alaala ko sa kaniya. nagglitch ang panahong senior highschool pa lang ako at kolehiyo pa lang siya, nakaupo sa gilid ng classroom ko, at mukha ring miserableng naghihintay.

Although, there was a change in his looks.

There’s a change in his looks. In his body. In his clothing. In his personality. May pagkakaiba, pero nakita ko pa rin ang luma niyang sarili sa kaniya. That the boy I liked is still with the man I love now.