BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR

ALEXIA KING

Our finals are over and I have been living with Kevin for 3 weeks. We don't talk much. He takes care of my wounds every night and I am healed. There are light pink scars on my back which would go with time. Maria cooks for us, I eat in my separate room, I study extra hours in the college library, do workouts most of the time I am at his house. We hardly see each other though Kevin makes it clear that he has eyes on me. I don't care. I know I am not suicidal. What I did is wrong but that was a moment of weakness. Not that Kevin is letting me explain and I am not trying enough because I know if I want him to listen to my reasoning then he would expect me to pass the same courtesy to him, that is to give him a chance to explain himself. I would have given him the opportunity if not for the fact that my walls are crumbling, they are melting like wax. The more I sleep with him----Yes, we sleep together at night like old times. He is not taking risks with my nightmares and I put a weak fight every night but in the end, he wins. Why wouldn't he? As much as I am hurt, that's doesn't change the fact that I still feel safe with Kevin. I haven't had nightmares in these 3 weeks and as much as I silence my other voice, I hear her whispering every night that I don't fight because I am in love with him and I need him more than he thinks he does. It's not only about the demons in my dreams, it's more about the pain in my heart which vanishes in his presence----the more I am forgiving his betrayal and too without him asking for it.

For three weeks, I have been pulling pranks on Victoria and Kevin. For instance,  Victoria got a new Pixie haircut. I might or might have not accidentally mixed adhesive, gum powder, slime egg paste. She looks like a twat.

And I'm taking them easy on Kevin. The first week, I cut some wires off his fridge and that destroyed his cheese. Lenient right? That's why right now I'm in his room whilst he is working out. I'm quite hardworking seeing that I have loads of sticky notes in front of me. I have written all kinds of cuss words I could find on 2000 notes. I wrote this all in the library yesterday.

After 1 hour his room is set. The word which I have highlighted is CHEATER. He is the one.

I go back to my room and change my clothes.

I hate him because I love him. Every night he makes me forcefully confess my thoughts,  like therapy. How do I feel today?  Am I satisfied with these silly pranks? If bothering Victoria makes me happy? And loads of questions.

I answer him as vaguely as I can. I don't feel happy or satisfied. These pranks and bothering Victoria don't make me smile in the slightest. Sometimes, I wonder why am I doing this? She was a child and seeing her red eyes and puffy face makes my insides churn from guilt. She loved her hair. What she will do when I would confess my sin of killing her mother? How she would feel? 

We are no more friends but I can't take her hatred. Apart from being a sex maniac, she's a good girl. Why am I always confused when it comes to Victoria?

"Xia" I hear Kevin's laughter. Laughter? Why is he laughing?

I run to Kevin's room to see him laughing. My lips turn into a smile just seeing him happy. These past few weeks he has been brooding and not been his usual self. I didn't know I was missing him till I knew. Right now. I missed his smile and the remaining walls crumble like debris in the wake of his shine.

"What's funny?" I look around. His room is a mess. It will take him a good amount of time to clean and his car is still under servicing. The second week of us living together, I had flooded his car with garbage and sparkles.

"You're smiling" I quickly compose myself.

"No, I am not"

"You just did" The shine he has lost is back in his eyes.