BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR

ALEXIA KING

I rush to the decided spot and as expected the place is vacant. No one comes here. This area is not vast but enough to have generously huge trees. I slip off my shoes, walk barefoot on the grass and sit on one of the stones encircling a big wooden log. This log was not originally here. Ed, Nivh, Patry, and I put it here and placed big enough stones around it for sitting. We have come here many times, sometimes together, sometimes alone. This place is quiet, quiet enough to hear your inner voice. 

Finding Kevin and Victoria has wrecked me but the time it took Kevin to jump from me to her is equally revolting. Was the sight of my ink too repulsive for him? 

To get my mind off the self belittling thoughts, I call my doctor.

"Something strange happened last night" I jump straight to the topic. The sooner we talk about something vital, the better.

"I hope it's not something to worry about"

"Not in the bad sense"

"What is it?"

"I didn't dream of anything last night, no nightmares, and also didn't wake in the middle of the night" I try to sound cheerful.

She speaks after a moment.

"This is good, really good. How did this happen?"

"I don't know"

"Tell me all about what you did yesterday? Anything different" 

Yeah, I hugged my sister, helped Victoria, which led her to the hospital, and the same day I slept with someone. I don't say that, not at least straight up.

"I can't pinpoint"

"Think about it. What was different yesterday? What you did which was out of your routine?"

So I tell her. I tell her from the moment I woke up and thinking Kevin to be a fragment of my imagination, my cynical words to Victoria, hugging my sister with Kevin on my side, ice skating with Victoria, and the incident that followed it to having sex with Kevin. She makes me repeat myself a couple of times to see if I missed something.

"Does he know?"

"Up to some extent"

"And how do you feel about it?"

"I incapable of giving you an honest analysis of my response because my emotions are all over the place"

"Ok. How long have you known this Kevin?"

"Hardly a month" And we are talking about the same man I don't want to think about.

"Not even a month and you achieved all this with his support. This guy sounds like he has a significant impact on your life. How do you feel about him?"

"I despise him" She chuckles.

"I'll ask you again after you have calmed down"

"My answer might differ"

"I know. How do you feel around him?"

"Safe" I don't have to think twice about it "I feel I can see the world in the light again. This bleak fog disappears and the world seems less cruel"

"And what warranted this?"

"I don't know. It's just him. Always shining and just be there for him. But these feelings intensified when he calmed me down from my attack"

"Tell me about"

"Am I getting dependent on him? Is this what it is?"

"I am not sure, judging by the fact that you have been attracted to him since day one"