BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR

ALEXIA KING

Physical activities and all other things Dr. Phil asked me to do, didn't work with my nightmares. I still have them.

I'm sick of my life. I can't have the one thing I wanted desperately. I am helpless to my past, powerless of my inclination to those haunting memories that are out-turns of it, incapable of touching a woman. How could want me when I can't touch his sister, a harmless kid? But how do I make my brain understand this small fact? If only it was easy, easily how Kevin moved on and that too with Victoria, the one person he claimed to despise. I don't have much experience in conducting secret rendezvous but what else do you carry out with someone who had slept with before in a hotel room? Am I a hypocrite? I sound like one. But is it less painful to see them together? I don't know what my focal issue is here, Kevin with someone or Kevin with someone I hate the most? 

In retrospect, Kevin kept coming back even after my same attitude but after the sex, it makes me think if that was his end-game? Or I finally succeeded in scaring him off? Why wouldn't he? I take pleasure in seeing bruises on soft skin. What does it make me? Sadist? Psychopath? Mentally disturbed? Abnormal? Not fit for human society? All of these.

What if I'm in a public place with Kevin and I freeze just because I saw something which reminded me of my sufferings? People around me will see me as crazy as I am or lost case.

Kevin is from a highly respected and rich family. He is an elite. What if we are attending an event I couldn't even speak, touch or stand close to a woman? I'll be nothing but an embarrassment and humiliation to him.

Every night, I'll be a bother to Kevin by screaming and thrashing in my nightmares. I'll be nothing but a burden to him. How long your partner can carry your baggage? 

I don't see a life where we are together

If a body is filled with fear, abnormalities, anger, hatred, and self-pity then there is no scope for love. If I can't love myself then how can I love someone else? But there is no rule of me looking pathetic while enduring their presence. If I am going to put up with their relationship, I might as well look good while doing it.

With this spirit. I do some extra workouts today and skip my breakfast to fit in the dress I have decided to wear. After scrubbing, waxing, and moisturizing, I put on my dress my outfit for today, and replace my sneakers with heels. 

My dress is co-ord of a black halter top that ends at the beginning of my stomach and a slim-fitting skirt with a straight, narrow cut, its hem falls to, the knee and is tailored for a close fit. 

For makeup, I take a small amount of foundation and blend it on my face with setting powder. For eyes, I go for bronze and golden with a thick eyeliner to enhance the green in my eyes and I must say, I want my eyes to look permanently like this. The gold and bronze shades make my green orbs glitter in gold liquid. I had no idea a little eye-makeup could do this to one's eyes.

Now for the shocking revelation and my family might disown me for this but I had seen people with green eyes, look stunning with black hair. So, when I came back from college after that confrontation with Kevin, I decided to die my hair in black and bottom in silver, and now after spraying lavender hair color in streaks of my hair, they look incredible.

Looking one last time in the mirror and feeling quite proud of my accomplishment, I step out of my room to leave for college but a startled gasp has me turning around. Martin, with his monumental control, manages to appear composed but the fact that he is not even blinking has me concerned for his breathing.

"Good Morning, Martin"

He steps forward and gives me a quick once-over.

"What have you done?" My confidence falters at his question.