Stigma ✔

|40|

Irene

It was hard. Really hard.

Our table was right at the back of the seating area while theirs was right at the front. It was almost like deja-vu. It was like everything was same but still different.

He is sitting in the same position he was sitting the last time we attended a award show. However, now there are no teasing messages in my inbox, just questions that were left unanswered.

His members and mine were different too. It was clear that both the tables were tense. None of them moved a muscle to their favorite songs while all the other idols around us were grooving.

And it was all my fault. 

My fault that I am so stupid. My fault that I have so many weaknesses. My fault that because of me the one person I value the most is now in his worst spirits.

Seeing him after nearly an month and half affected me more than I ever imagined. His presence is still influential as ever. The moment he entered the area, all attention focused on him. He is blissfully unaware of it but all idols held little envy and admiration towards him. 

I couldn't take my eyes off him the moment I saw him. I stared as he gracefully entered, I stared as he leisurely walked along with Taehyung who was speaking to him. I stared as he greeted the staff helping them to their table, I stared as he allowed his members to take up the seats they desired before taking the remaining one. 

God, I'm a creep.

He stopped for a second before taking a seat and looked directly at me. As if he knew I was there all along. That's when I saw something in his eyes that made me want to run towards him and hug him, console him.

While the concealer did a good job of hiding his dark circles, nothing hid the numerous questions  he was silently asking, nothing hid his relief when he sized up my whole being, nothing hid his frustration, anger and hurt at what I was putting him through.

I don't think anyone present would ever be able to read him that well but I knew. He always projects his feelings like an open book to me. Filled with guilt and unable to bear the weight of the piercing gaze I break the eye contact and look down, trying my best to control my tears.

A hand slithers up my lap and takes hold of my hands. I look up and see Wendy give me a small smile and nod.

You'll be okay.

That is what she told me but will I really be?

-

The award show started soon after and one by one awards and performances were being done. For the first time an award show went by as a flash for me before it was our time to get ready for our performance.

We silently got up from our table and made our way backstage as soon as the staff member gave us a indication. The backstage hall was filled with idol groups that were either getting ready or were done performing and going back to the front. We guided our way quickly through the crowd and reached our changing room. 

Wendy was the first to get ready and get her make done so she said she will be going to the washroom since we had time to spare. No one accompanied her as the washrooms were just two doors down the hall. 

The rest of the girls were either getting ready or warming up their throats. Joy and Yeri were playing this high pitch tone game that reduced the two in uncontrollable giggles every time any of them reached a high pitch. I smile at their silliness from my chair where I was getting my make-up done.

After a while Wendy came back and we did a quick pep talk and rehearsal before making our way to the waiting area near the stage.

However, what I saw there nearly froze me till the point I couldn't dare breathe. He was standing there talking to a Sunbae solo female artist. I know he is known as the manner man and that he would never purposely deny a conversation but the way the two were conversing would make anyone believe that they were best of friends. They looked close enough for her to slightly hit his arms before laughing or him winking at her while he said something.

A churning feeling started coming up from within my stomach and made its way upward. Oh who am I kidding, I know I am jealous!

Joy places a hand behind my back and drags me to the other end of the poorly lit room. I continued to stare at them while they were blissfully unaware of anyone else. 

"Unnie, you are glaring at them. It's scaring the staff here," said Yeri, nervously.

I immediately looked at her and rolled my eyes. That's so not true. 

"Of course she will stare because she can't do much about it, it's all her fault." said Wendy and I turned to look at her. 

"Shut up, guys. Now is not the time for all this." Said Seulgi, intervening. We all nodded and put our focus back on the performance.

-

As soon as the performance was over we hurried back to the changing rooms as fast as we could. Since it was a commercial break after our performance many artists were filled in the hallway backstage so we had some troubles walking past them.

We were about to reach our room when a door opened and out came the entire Bangtan. Taehyung and Yoongi who were leading the group immediately stopped short as soon as they saw me and behind them all them came to a halt to. We exchanged a awkward bows and greetings while I was suddenly in a panic.

He can't be seen with me at all. He just can't.

I fake urgency and take my leave from the group and get past them to run back to the room when I feel my wrist being caught. I knew it him from his touch itself. His soft yet firm grip was almost a trademark for him.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe and tried to free my hand. Thankfully the hallway was still filled with crowd so none  could see that. But that thought put me into more panic.

He can't be seen with me.

I give my hands a fierce tug but he still doesn't release them. I almost give out a cry of frustration and tried once more. 

"JooHyun. Please stop."

As much as I would like to think that my legs are trembling due to the performance we just did, I just couldn't admit it. It was his voice. That darn voice that I wanted to listen for so long, the voice I terribly missed. My chest started feeling heavy just by hearing the depth in his voice. It was the first time he ever called my name with such intensity. The feeling it brought up was so overwhelming that I nearly turned and answer him but reality threw a bucket of ice water on my face. 

I know what I have to do. It will definitely hurt him, but it needs to be done.

I suppressed all my emotions and put up a mask that most people associated me with. The Ice queen. I turned and glared at him right in the eyes, cold and unforgiving.

"Kindly let me go, Sunbae. I have to go." Two little sentences spoken were a dagger straight  to my guts.

The words stung him as much as it did to me. He released my hand as if it burned him and a look of hurt, sadness and frustration took over his face. My facade wavered at his look but I managed to held it up. However who was I trying to fool? The man knew how to read me like his daily cookbooks, he knew every part of me and that frightened me to no extent. I could tell he could see through my facade but wasn't really understanding anything.

I am really sorry, my love.

I took the opportunity and quickly turned around and fled to our waiting room.

***********

Early Updateeee!
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