Don't Judge Me (Being Edited)

46_ Doing Number Two

Luke and I had lived together for the past four years, but not really because I lived at school and spent most holidays there, and Luke was never home. Though I’d never felt like anywhere had been home that is what I called it because the word was recognised by both Luke and I.

The place is like a hotel. I’m sure I haven't even used a towel there more than once a week, and I know for a fact that my longest stretch in sleeping in the beds is three days.

Luke offered to carry my suitcase but I said it was ok.

He said I looked tired and wondered if I wanted to sleep, if I wanted to go out and eat, I asked him what it was people did when they turned 18. I'm not sure what Luke did for his eighteenth. I hadn't seen him for two months and though I kept the card that I got for him nice and neat, the gag packet of cigarettes that I had created myself that had little messages on each one seemed stupid and childish with every passing day and so I threw it away in a rage. Luke didn’t answer my question, just smiled at me in that sad tired way he was prone to doing.

I think that’s why he looked so much older than his years. He was tired. Luke had looked tired since that day we’d left my house. As though he’d aged 40 years- I understood though.

“You want any help unpacking?” he asked as he opened the door.

“Nah, I’m ok.” I said easily. “I think I’m going to have a shower though.” I told him. I smiled at him.

He didn’t expect it. I suppose that’s why he smiled back.

I stepped forward and placed my lips on his softly. He didn’t kiss back, but he didn’t move, so that was ok. I stared up at him as his face went from shock to intrigue. He bit his lip and I smiled because I had forgotten that he did that, “Have you been drinking?” he asked.

“What you think I have to be drunk to want to kiss you?” I replied.

He smiled and his eyes glittered slightly. He raised an eyebrow.

I threw my hands up innocently and said, “What? I’m legal now.”

He laughed and stepped forward and grabbed at me. I tensed then relaxed in his arms. Luke noticed and there was an awkward pause but Luke let it slide, “I know. I just always imagined I’d be the first person to take you for a drink.”

I pulled myself out of his arms, “Well, maybe you can be my first something else.” I told him. I stared at him and he stared at me and did not regret what I said, but it looked like he did. I swallowed and stopped myself from sighing and said, “I’m going to have a shower.”

He nodded and sat down on the bed, “I’ll be here.”

I haven't shaved my legs that often in life. Nor have I done many other things that are second nature to 18 year old girls- like painted my nails, or applied makeup (do not get me started on liquid eyeliner). Needless to say, it took a long time getting myself ready for Luke.

I shaved and exfoliated and shaved again (as I realised I had missed some parts). I plucked and soaped and moisturised and then stared at myself.

People look good wet. I think. All the clinging and slipperiness and potential for danger and fun- like a water park. It’s sexy. I looked sexy. I decided that. I looked sexy and I was going to have sex. I had kept my hair dry because wetting was more effort than it was worth. I still looked seductive due to the shine on my skin, that cleanliness. Not sliding and falling and wetness of water parks. But almost.

I was no Amber Milton, I was not Gwen, I wasn’t Susie. I was me. And I was ok with that. I was still too skinny but the spots had disappeared leaving behind only small scars. My eyes were dark, but I liked that. I reminded myself of my mum, but with a bit more weight. She had always been pretty, even when she hadn't been that pretty to me.