Don't Judge Me (Being Edited)

36_ Going Through The Motions

Did you know that one of the definitions of abnormality is failure to function adequately? This means that an individual is unable to go through life, deal with situations, in a way that is deemed normal. By that definition I was in no way abnormal, in fact, after Callum walked off, his bag slamming against his side as he went, I was the most normal I have ever been in my life.

I felt like crying, of course. Of course I felt like wailing and throwing myself about and screaming at Callum to come back, saying please don’t leave me, you can’t leave me! But I didn’t.

Right there, as Callum was walking away, and then running away, I didn’t cry, I wouldn’t dare. I clenched my fist and felt my nails dig into my hands and felt a new pain that wasn’t nearly as horrible as the one swelling in my chest, do I kept digging, and the new pain grew and I swear I heard my skin break and I cried out quietly in pain and then the pain in my heart subsided for about a second. And for that second I could breathe.

And then I sobbed. But nothing came out. And then I sobbed again. And then I dug into my hands further and I felt my fingers get wet and then I screamed and didn’t care if anyone heard me. I screamed. And stopped. I closed my eyes and breathed through the pain and I spoke to myself. I said, “Antonia, dammit. Antonia Harris, pull yourself together. Please, please. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry. You don’t deserve to cry. So stop it. STOP IT.” And so I did. I didn’t cry for Callum. I didn’t cry at all.

Instead I blinked rapidly, cleared my throat and picked up my school bag- I didn’t look at the blood that was inevitably on it. I pulled it over my shoulder just as Callum had done with his and I walked the rest of the way to school, alone.

Now, I’m not presenting my reaction to the loss of Callum as normal. But everything that came after that was. Because you see I walked into school and I smiled at people that were in my classes and some people smiled back; I got excited about English and spoke to Susie and Mr Vale and did all my work in science; I put my hand up in maths and asked questions; I was a good girl and didn’t talk- not that I really had anyone to speak to- to anyone when the teacher left the room. I was so good. I was so normal. I was so Toni- no, I was Antonia.

I was not abnormal because I functioned adequately. I didn’t break down just because I didn’t have a best boy friend anymore. So you understand now? You understand that I was normal because, well what are you meant to do when your heart is broken? Like really and truly broken, broken in a way that you’re not even sure that it’s there anymore. Broken in a way that really, it’s not your heart that’s broken, its everything else. Your heart is fine, your heart is just with someone else and they won’t give it back to you. What else is there to do when you’ve already run away and pushed them away and screamed and cried and begged and none of that worked? You must try and be normal, right? That’s the only thing you haven't tried yet. It was the only thing that I had left. Normalcy. It’s funny how things go around in full circle, right?

Full circle. That’s what I was thinking as I stood outside my house. Full circle. Keys in hand, I stood there and breathed. My keys hit my skin in an awful way, my palms were marked by little crescents that were the size of my finger nails; it hurt in a nice way. To be honest with you it was the only feeling I had, well, the only feeling I had that I accepted, the only feeling that I could control.

The crippling fear that had been there at my entering my house not 7 hours wasn’t even there anymore, not really. Moreover, there was no one there. The absence, though I did not like the presence of my parents at most times, added to the emptiness inside of me.

I believe they call what was happening to me going to through the motions. And since I was going through the motions there isn't much to tell you. I was normal, as I stated, I was boring. Really I believe there are lapses like this in everyone lives. Sections of life where you’re stuck revising, or stuck in mood, or stuck in a relationship, or stuck in a dead end job. Stuck, stuck, stuck.

I would go to school every day, I would be okay at school, I would come home and be alone, I would go into the money I had left over from what I stole from parents and sometimes buy food to eat, sometimes I wouldn’t, a lot of the time I wouldn’t. And this was life, my life, for what felt like a long time, such a long time that now when I think of it I feel truly horrible, I feel disgusted with myself, that I let myself get into such a state.

Anyway, that was my December that year. My whole December, and then everything changed again, as things tend to do. And here really, comes the darkest chapter of my life, a chapter that makes my going through the motions period not really that bad. Things changed when my father came home.