Don't Judge Me (Being Edited)

44_ That's All.

It took 30 minutes to pack.

I took the suitcase out of my parent's room. I ignored the chills I got when I walked in there, and dumped the clothes out of my mum's bag onto my parent's bed. My dad didn't sleep on his dictated side like Callum did. I decided that my mum was the Callum of their relationship and placed her clothes in the shape of a woman's body (well as good a shape as I could produce) on the left side of the room. The woman was chunky and vital. She had the type of weight a mother should have. Like in the films. The type of weight that you could just sink into when you came home and told her that the mean girls as school were bullying you. I left mine and my dad's side as it was- messy from the last time he had slept on it.

I then left with my mum's suitcase.

Most of the things I wanted to take I was wearing. There was no point in taking my school uniform. There wasn't much point in taking anything.

I feel sick. I feel so sick.

I wanted to vomit. I wanted to vomit up my father and my mother and Callum and Amber Milton and Lucas Jordon and Mr Jordon and Hayley and Mr and Mrs Williams. But I couldn't. They weren't in my stomach. They were in my head- though it felt as though my dad was still in everywhere. I was head sick. I wanted to throw up my brains and memories and my life. They all made me sick. I made me sick.

Though I'd hated myself before, it had always been because I hadn't been good enough for other people: not my mum nor Callum nor Amber Milton nor Lucas Jordon- not even for Susie and Ty and the Williams. I hated myself because I had never been good enough for anyone to love me.

But that right there was different.

Right then and there and every day since, I hated and hate myself because I am a horrible person. I am fucking diabolical.

Luke had to get me to come out of my room again. I was sitting on my bed looking at all the nothingness of my room. I am my room. I am nothingness.

Do you know what it's like to be nothingness? Is that a stupid question? It sounds stupid. And pretentious. Like I'm doing a philosophy degree. Sorry.

Anyway, Luke came into my room and told me a car was here to get us. I had spent 30 minutes packing and not packed anything at all.

Luke asked me if I needed any help.

I said no and zipped up the empty suitcase. I'm not sure if he saw that it was empty, I'm hardly sure if I knew it was empty. I just wanted to carry it out of the house and far away, just like it was meant to do.

And then I left the house.

After that night I left the house.

I left it without any handcuffs or sirens or retribution. I left a free girl.

If you think I deserved something bad to happen to me then you're in luck. Because it didn't feel like I left that house. Not one bit. It felt like I was still lying there on the messy side of the bed waiting for my wife to dare try and leave so that I could have the pleasure and horror of beating the shit and life out of her.

If you don't think I deserved something bad to happen to me then you must be sicker than I- a murderer.

Yeah, that's what I was. A 14 year old murderer. Leaves a bad taste on your tongue right?

I felt stupid in Luke's uncle's car. I looked like a hobo bundling up for the winter, Luke looked like he was about perform a bank heist. We must have looked a funny pair.

Ha. I guess if there's nothing we can laugh about there will always be my fashion choices.

Anyway, I got into the car and Luke indicated to his driver and off it went- off we went.

If it was a movie Callum would be here. I thought to myself. Callum would be here and see me drive off and run after me screaming my name, screaming that we were meant to walk to school together and that we need to speak and still be best friends because I'm not alone and he understands and that I don't have to hate myself because he doesn't hate me, he could never hate me and if Callum doesn't hate something then that means that there is no way that that something could be hateful. If it was movie then I would hear Callum and tell Luke to stop and run out of the car and run to Callum, run as far and as fast as I needed to to hold him, I would hold and hold him and hold him and never ever ever ever let go and not care that I'm just 14 and that he's just 14, it wouldn't matter, no way would it matter. If it was a movie then he would hold my pinky and tell me what he used to tell me at night when were alone and he thought I couldn't hear and I would say the words back or not even need to because the words would be in my heart and mind and eyes and because he was Callum he would understand. Then the credits would role and something by Train would play and I'd pretend like my life wasn't shit and that I wasn't shit because Callum said those words to me. And then I thought that if this was a movie someone would have saved me a long time ago, that Luke would have come back to check on me once he left or watched me walk into the house because he was that protective and that he would have saved me. Or Callum would have waiting for me after my date and begged me to go with him and choose him just like Hayley had said, just like Susie and Ty had wanted. Or that I would have been strong enough to save myself like my mother wanted. And then I told my brain to shut up because I was depressing myself.

And there we go.

There I go.

14 year old Toni. Bye bye. I'll miss her. I do miss her. I miss her so much. I've missed her for forever. Despite how fucked up she turned out to be.

I've missed her ever since that day I went speeding down that road in Mr Jordon's luxury Sedan. I missed her as though I was leaving her behind. Her standing on the street outside the place I used to live with melancholy set in her face. And me just driving away, as though I was allowed to do that. I miss her. I miss that girl like I chopped off a portion of my arm every day since then. But I know I didn't leave her, just like I know I didn't leave that house. I still feel her inside me just like I still feel him.

I don't miss 15 year old Antonia.

Or 16 year old Antonia for that matter.

17 year old Antonia left much to be desired.

Antonia really wasn't much.

I suppose I should tell you the story of 15, 16, and 17 year old Antonia anyway.

Well let me get it over with.

When Antonia was 14 and had left much of herself behind, but nothing behind at all, she was taken to a far off place- it was still in England- but for 14 year old Antonia it could have been half way across the world.

It was a boarding school.

Antonia had always been smart, so she didn't feel dumb when she entered this place. She just felt lesser. But I suppose it was good enough. Antonia would think to herself that that was the place. It was what she had always been looking for. A place away from home, from it all. A place where there was always school and a place where she could live with her best friend. In retrospect it was utterly perfect for her.

But it wasn't. Not for a very long time. And even when it began to feel like home she would remember every now and then that it was not.

I think that's it.

I left for almost four years and went to boarding school. And then when I was old enough and had gotten all of my qualifications I left.

That's all.