Don't Judge Me (Being Edited)

54 _ Forever

But it wasn't the bestest.

It wasn't the worstest – opps, I mean the worst – either. But it wasn't good.

I thought that glumly as I sat on the last step of Callum's stairs and heard the thumping bassline play in the front room whilst kids ran around Callum's house – screaming and laughing and singing and shining and having fun. They were having such fun.

I didn't feel miserable, mind you. There wasn't anything particularly wrong with Callum's party, it just wasn't as I expected it to be.

Bottom line, I had stupidly believed it would just be me, Callum, Susie and Ty. Yeah, I know, stupid.

I had stood open mouthed when Ty had shown up with cases and cases of beer, heaps of wine, and I don't know, it felt like a crate of Vodka. "Are we meant to drink all of that?" I'd asked incredulously.

He only laughed.

Callum came around and patted me on the shoulder affectionately. "Kids drink this stuff like it's water."

"Huh?" I said. Callum looked at me obviously wondering where he could be more specific and then I said "Oh."

Oh as in oh it's not just us, oh there are actually going to be people at this party. Oh as in oh shit.

Ty laughed heartily at my expression. I was freaked out too much to respond with anything more than an embarrassed look.

"You ok, Toni?" Callum asked caressing my shoulder. Ty had stopped laughing. But I barely noticed it. I wanted to shake my head but nodded anyway. Callum didn't look convinced, I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. "I. Am. Fine." I said, shoving his hand away with my shoulder. "I just... I think I might stay away from the alcohol tonight." I turned my head to him and smiled, "You remember what happened last time?"

Callum simpered, I was kind of taken aback by the look. "Last time was fun." He said.

I laughed, "For you. I woke up feeling terrible."

"But I made you feel better, didn't I?"

I was taken aback by that too. I had a thought. I almost wanted to ask it. Just a simple Callum, are you flirting with me? I glanced over at Ty to see if he was seeing what I was seeing. He looked like he couldn't decide whether to laugh or throw up. I was on the same page.

I decided to laugh, "Yeah, I guess you did." I batted him away so he wasn't so close. "I need to pee." I said. And then I ran up the stairs, sat on the toilet for a few minutes then realised I might as well pee. Just in case you wanted to know.

When I came downstairs again, Ty and Cal were setting up for the party. That included locking away valuable and fragile things; setting up speakers; talking to neighbours; clearing floor space. I stood staring at it all. It was all very alien. When Callum and I had used to set up for parties they had been in the garden with bouncy castles and dress up games, we'd had puppets and that one awesome year we'd had laser tag, ooh and the other one where we'd had a water fight and the whole neighbourhood got involved. And a million other times, but you get my point right? Those were kid's parties, not parties where you had to watch what was happening in the bathrooms and make sure people weren't making out on your parent's bed. But then again, there had been that time with Fiona Perry and that guy whose name I forget right now. But I digress. What I mean to say is that this was an adult party – or at least a teenage party.

It was all very alien.

I went back upstairs and sat on Callum's bed.

I thought about the difference between being a teenager and being a kid. The thing is I don't remember changing. I don't remember the day I didn't like kid's stuff, when I felt I no longer identified as a child. I'm 18 and I don't feel I identify as over 8. The thing is I felt very young. And I know there's someone over 50 reading this ranting that 18 is young. And yes, you are right. Duh 18 is young. But I have felt so old as well. And I have always felt mature. Other children did not have the responsibilities I did when I was younger. I knew more about living than they did. But at times like that I feel very young. There are things I don't know, things I cannot comprehend. I just... I'm not sure what I'm saying. It's just then that's what I felt. That's all.