Don't Judge Me (Being Edited)

39_ Happy Endings

So that was life for a while. It was actually life, being with Susie and actually being her best friend. We did a lot together, we even had sleepovers and shared a bed, it was kind of like she had replaced Callum- but not as scandalous because she was a girl (which is totally wrong because Susie and I could have been lesbians and doing the deed, but I digress). Life, I could really, completely call it that for a while.

Luke showed up more often as well, which was nice because Luke was so nice.

Everything was nice, I guess. The nicest my life could be without Callum. Of course I still missed him, I was crazy for him. I had gotten to a point when I could wholly and absolutely missed him. Why wouldn’t I? What was the point of pretending anymore? Susie could see right through me, and so could the girls we sat with at lunch. Sometimes I’d talk to Susie about him. I feared I was boring her sometimes, but she never complained.

The night I wish to start again- it’s funny this dipping in and out of my life just watching snapshots rather than me telling a never ending story, do you prefer it like this?- is a night that I’d chosen to stay at Susie’s rather than my own. I was tired of the ambivalence of my father and I really wanted to stay with Susie that night, we had a lot to talk about.

But I wasn’t talking about a lot- of course. As the darkness that was late January wrapped around the hour of 8pm I was talking to Susie about Callum- again. I remember exactly what I had been telling her about, that time that Callum had broken his arm trying to prove to me that he could so do a handstand when we 7. I won’t tell you that story, however, I’ve already bored one person with it, I’d hate to bore you too.

Susie was listening animatedly, as she would, and laughing, as she would. And I found it so weird that I was entertaining Susie, she had always seemed like the one that entertained me; but that was just another development in our friendship, unless it had been there the whole time, I don’t know. However, I was entertaining via a story about Callum, so really I was just vicariously pleasing. She smiled and laughed and gasped when she was meant to and it made me feel like all was well, as per usual.

Once I was done she said, “So, you nervous about tomorrow?”

I smiled girlishly at her, “Maybe…”

“You really deserve this, Antonia.” She told me.

I wondered why, I wasn’t really one to deserve things, but ok.

“And who knows, maybe you’ll have a boyfriend in time for Valentine’s Day.”

I rolled my eyes, “Yes, Susie, because that’s the dream!”

“Yes it is. As a fellow 14 year old girl I fortify that that is indeed the dream.”

I laughed and so did she.

“I’m really nervous, Suze.”

“Ahh, you remembered my name.” She teased although I had noticed she didn’t really care what I called her anymore.

“I’m serious. It sounds like it’s going to be fricken scary!”

She scoffed, “He’s taking you to dinner and a movie, what’s scary about that?”

“It’s not dinner and movie you doof! He said dinner and a show. A show as in the theatre, as in fancy!”

She laughed it off, sitting up and watching me closely. Her bed was soft and plush- which I had gotten used to, but it didn’t really touch the comfort of Callum’s- so when she moved the bed did too. “Jeez, Toni, I’ve never heard someone complain so much about an attractive, rich boy taking them on a date.”

I sighed.

“Remember tomorrow, Antonia. It is the day you become a woman.” She declared ominously, “Tuesday 26th January 2011. The day of the date!”

I laughed and pushed her over, “You’re an idiot sometimes.”

“You really don’t seem excited.” She retorted.

I looked at her carefully not sure where she was going with that, “I am excited.” I declared.

“No. You’re like those brides in those movies that are super nervous about getting married and then end up leaving their husbands at the altar.”

I raised an eyebrow, “You watch way too many romantic comedies.”

“I'm serious, T. Sure, cancelling on a guy sucks, but going out with him when you don’t want to is stupid. You’ve broken up with enough boys, you’ll be fine.”

“Are you saying that I don’t like Luke?”

“Oh come on, it’s pretty obvious. Even Ty can tell that you’re faking it around him.”

“You and Ty have been talking about me?” I riled.

“Toni, calm dow-”

“No, Susie, I won’t. I love Luke, ok. Maybe you don’t understand that, but I do. I get what love is.”

Susie bit the inside of her cheek, “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

“Whatever.” I mumbled turning away from her as I would whenever I got in a fight with Callum.

There was silence for a long time and then Susie’s phone started to ring. I was Ty, he rang quite a lot. I would sit there all quiet and jealous because I didn't have a boy, much less a phone, to call me at night. Susie would normally cut the phone calls short when I was there and that night was not an exception. When she ended the call she looked at her phone for a long time like she wanted to jump through it and end up where the person that had been on the end of the line had been.

I got that feeling, but not exactly like that.

When Susie turned back to me she looked tired. “Why didn’t you just say yes to Callum?” she said.

I glared at the phone. I knew she had Callum’s number. It wasn’t like I would call him or anything, it wasn’t even like I needed the phone to have Callum’s number, I knew it off by heart anyway; I was just angry at the phone.

“Because,” I answered, “Callum’s a dick.”

And that was the end of our conversation. That was the end of the night Monday the 25th of January 2011.

I haven't put many dates in this book, that’s because dates aren't really relevant. Neither is this date, I guess. Relevant to you anyway, but Tuesday the 26th of January, it will always be relevant to me. It was the worst day of my life. It was the worst.

It’s weird actually. Just hearing that date makes my heart pound and my head hurt and my feelings fall to pieces.

Without that date neither of us would be here right now and God how much sweeter would life be if we weren't!

I want to apologise in advance and recommend that anyone that doesn’t like gory details to stop reading about my life right now. The rest is no fairy tale, don’t expect a happy ending.