Don't Judge Me (Being Edited)

25_ Fucked Up

Sorry for my French.

No, I'm sorry for my English. I'm sorry I'm not using the English language to its fullest. I'm sorry I'm using abrasive words and hatefully stabbing my pen against the pages of this book.

I'm sorry, ok?

Do you forgive me?

You don’t have to, there’s no need. I'm not that sorry anyway.

I just want to write sorry. It’s stupid but I want to write it… in fact I almost want to call this book I'm sorry, but it doesn’t seem right.

I am sorry, just not really for the things people want me to be sorry for.

Moving on…

Who wants to guess who this chapter will be about?

My best friend.

I had an alright walk, if you wish to know. I'm not sad anymore. I bet you can guess what emotion I'm feeling now.

This whole reflecting thing isn't that great for me. It’s more like I've thrown myself back into the fire rather than watching the remains of a blaze that tore down my ‘life’. So keep that in mind as I write about Callum and I. I feel just like then. I feel stupid and small and as though I can’t control what comes out of my mouth, or my pen in this instance.

It’s time for my fucked up chapter. Please, enjoy.

We must go back for a moment and see myself happy and contented skipping home after a day with Luke. Can you see it? Can you see me all giggly and girly and completely elated with everything? Can you see that I don’t remember anything of that day apart from Luke?

Good. Then let’s start.

It was pretty late and the Williams had probably already had dinner so I decided to climb up to Callum’s window. I wasn’t hungry anyway. Maybe it was because of the butterflies that wouldn’t leave my stomach. Maybe Luke had fed me. I can’t quite remember. The point is I wasn’t hungry.

I slung my rucksack into the room then opened the window wider so I could fit in, then closed it behind me.

I couldn’t stop grinning about something… I can’t quite remember what it was.

Wait! What am I talking about? Yes I remember. It was the flower. The plant that I kept on my person the whole day. I couldn’t let go of it and every time I looked at it a flurry of happy emotions would surge through me.

A water violet. That boy was actually serious.

While I was smiling down at my petals I heard the bedroom door open to reveal a very worried looking boy. When Callum’s eyes met mine all of that old emotion fell away. In fact it was like everything had fallen away. Every inch of nuance and tone that Callum had to him was gone. All I was looking at was a blank page.

And then he frowned.

I frowned too.

I don’t know how or why but just as Callum could make me ludicrously happy he could also push me into a reel of depression.

That frown, the disappointment in his gaze just made everything that had been bright and bubbly before look like a pile of shit.

I sighed, “What’s wrong this time?”

Cal glared at me, “He made you skip school, Toni. That’s like a nightmare for you. What the hell!”

I shrugged, “I wanted to see him. I haven't seen him all week.”

He rolled his eyes, “And that tongue bath he gave you outside of the school window. I'm guessing that was him saying how much he missed you.”

“Why are you being like this?” I snapped.