Friends With Benefits (Gerard Way FanFiction)

Cut My Life Into Pieces

The title is another song reference, 'Last Resort' By Papa Roach...

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*Two months later

I laid in bed in my dorm room. I haven't been going to classes that often anymore, I just dont see the point. Its okay, Gerard brings all my schoolwork to me. I dont feel like dragging myself out if bed. Opening my eyes in the morning seems to be the most painful thing to do now and days.

Its been practically three months since 'Jonathan' attacked me and I still fell as awful as I did the day it happened. It hurts me even worse knowing he did they same thing to my close friend Naomi, it hurts worse knowing hes Alexandras biological father. She does look alot like him now that I think about it. She has his high cheekbones and dimples, his black hair and his blue eyes, she even has his smile. Everyone keeps telling me things will get better, but exactly when? Iv been waiting as patiently as I possibly can, but so far nothing has been working its way back up, like im stuck in a hole. Everyone keeps telling me I need to try and move on. I cant. I cant stop thinking about it, everything reminds me of it. Yesterday Gerard gave me a surprise hug from behind and out of instinct I panicked and jerked away, the attack changed me and I dont know if ill ever be able to go back to normal. At night I cry into my pillow and when I finally manage to fall asleep I dream about the incident, then jerk awake screaming and crying some more. When I wake up having a breakdown Gerard runs over to my bed and sooths me back to sleep, holding me in his arms. I feel bad for waking him up with my problems. Naomi made it through, why cant I? Ill never be as strong as her, I feel so ashamed. Im on a fuckton of antidepressants but I dont think they're working. I just feel so numb. I wish that bastard would have just killed me that day! I want to be dead. I wish he would have at least hit me in the back of my head hard enough so I wouldnt have to live with the memories of what happened to mel Hell, I wish none of this shit would have happened in the first place! They still havent found Jonathan yet. They've been searching for two months and still no sign of him. I think iv lost all hope that they'll ever find him. I heard the dorm room door open follwed by Gerards footsteps.

"Jovie, you have group today... If you dont want to go thats fine, ill tell them-"

"Im okay." I mumbled.

I ended up going to those group therapy sessions the doctors recommend. Gerard suggested I should go, he said they'd help. I go once every week, every Friday. Gerard walked over to me and sat on the edge of my bed.

"I know you're not." He sighed.

I looked up at Gerards pale caring face.

"Things are going to get better... I promise." There it goes again, 'Things will get better', I sighed.

I lifted myself out of bed and yawned even though iv been sleeping all day. As I left my bed I decided to just keep on my pajamas (Black sweatpants and a tank top), I dont make an effort to do anything anymore. I quickly grabbed my red jacket and pulled it over my arms and slipped on my converse. I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I glanced in the mirror. I look awful. My bruises are almost gone, but they're still there. Under my eyes are light red because of stress and crying. My hair has been growing back but its still short. Shoulder length. When im done brushing my teeth I walk back out of the restroom.

"You look nice." Gerard smiled. I think hes just saying that to make me feel better. Even though I feel like shit I smile back. You know what they say, 'Fake smiles go miles'.

*Group

I fucking hate group. Group is suppose to make you feel less depressed but sitting in a room listening to other young girls cry about what they're going through for an hour isnt the most cheerful thing to do. I usually don't participate much, I just sit slumped in my metal folding chair. Theres ten chairs organized in a circle, the so called 'therapist' sits in one with her legs crossed, glasses on, and clipboard in her lap. I think she doesn't really listen to us, she just stares off into space and occasionally says 'Uh huh, and how does that make you feel?' until the hour is up. The other nine chairs are chairs hold nine rape victims including myself. We're all girls and age varies, the youngest in group is thirteen. As of this moment a sixteen year old girl named Olivia was bawling her eyes out while the other girls consulted her and patted her on the back. Again, I really didnt get involved I just sat miserably in my chair staring at the clock, waiting to get out of there. Even if I wanted to speak up and say how I felt, I just couldn't. I stay silent. No amount of words could describe whats going on in my mind. Physically im here, mentally im far, far away.