The Substitute Teacher

Part 130 ~ In Over My Head

Monday morning . . 
~ Ariana's point of view ~ 

It's monday morning again . . the kids and Michael are getting ready for the day. I feel better now that I was finally able to open up to Michael about my depression. I really do believe that I am depressed . . and that is why I took the things Michael said to heart and I definitely will see a therapist. My fist session is gonna be this afternoon . . . Michael is gonna leave school early so he can take me. The appointment is at 2pm . . I'm a little nervous but I know it's for the best. 

Michael and I haven't been able to connect the way we used to. We still love each other and everything but the sex isn't happening still. . . and of course, there is no one to blame but myself. It breaks my heart having to tell him over and over again that I don't feel like having sex . . . it breaks his heart too . . of course it does . . but now that he knows about my problem, he's much more understanding.

I hope after a few therapy sessions I will be able to fully open up to him again. I'm glad Michael is coming with me today . . maybe the therapist can help our relationship too . . who knows? . . but I know that I am the problem here . . and not Michael . . he is a great husband . . I seriously couldn't ask for someone better than him to share my life with.

Now to the kids . . . Jaden's been acting a little distant lately . . Jaylah on the other hand is literally glued to Michael. She's constantly talking to him . . sending him text messages . . she hugs him all the time . . gives him little presents. She shows me the same love but Jaylah is daddy's girl. Everyone can tell that Michael and Jaylah are much closer than I am with her. Not that I'm hurt about it . . not at all . . Jaylah and I have our talks and our special bonding time but it's Michael who she turns to at all times when she feels down. That's perfectly fine to me.

And Jaden is a momma's boy . . . totally. 

It has always been this way . . . but yea . . . not at the moment. Jaden has never been so distant. I can't even talk to him . . . sometimes we do talk but those conversations usually end within 3 minutes and it's upstairs for him and that's where he stays for the rest of the night. 

The present Jaylah gave us was the sweetest, most thoughtful present I have ever recieved. She got Michael and I a envelope with a red letter inside . . . I need to get the paper and read it again . . . it was the sweetest thing Jaylah has ever written for us . . . I open the letter and read:

_________________
"Hey mom . . . hey dad . . . I don't ever want you guys to split up :( . . you know you love each other. .  I know it, you know it . . and Jaden knows. We all know it . . . dad loves you mom . . . and mom loves you, dad. I don't ever want you guys to seperate . . . and if you ever will, with you two breaking up, my heart will break along with you . . . please stay together. . . FOREVER . .

PS: The blue ticket in this envelope is the actual present . . . a ballroom dancing lesson for you two :) it's next to the Cinema 33 . . on the top floor they teach ballroom dancing there. I thought this would be perfect for you two . . . and maybe you can use your skills in Paris . . . if you two ever decide to go again . . . I'm sure you will . . right? . . don't forget, you had your honeymoon there. Jaden and I don't have to go to Vegas and Italy anytime soon . . our birthday present trips can wait . . . you two are much more important right now . . . please fix it and don't throw it away . . . true love only happens once in a lifetime"

In endless Love,
Jaylah Jackson"
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It's 1:45pm . . . Michael and I just arrived at the building that I will have my first therapy session in. We're both nervous . . and I'm a wreck . . I need to know what's wrong with me . . and how I can overcome this constant sadness I'm feeling . . . .

"Hello . . . are you Mr. and Mrs. Jackson?"

"Yes . . yes we are" I say.

"Mr. Taylor will be with you shortly . . please a take seat in the waiting room"

"Thank you"

Mr.Taylor? . . I thought my therapist was a woman?. . But that shouldn't bother me. . . the only thing I care about is feeling better again . . man or woman . . I need help for myself and for my family. Mr.Taylor greets us a few minutes later and asks Michael to wait in the waiting room. Mr.Taylor says he wants to talk to me in private first.

"May I please ask you to sit, Mrs.Jackson?"

"Yes . . thank you so much . . ."

"How are you feeling today?"

"I feel good . . right now . . . but most of the time I don't . . ."

Mr.Taylor and I talk for 10 minutes straight in private . . and thank god Michael finally comes into the room. I feel much more comfortable now that he's next to me. He seems nervous . . . aww . . . poor honeybear . . . he's so supportive and sweet . . . .

"Mrs.Jackson . . you're talking about mood swings . . how often do you feel like your mood changes during the day? . . . what do yo do when you feel down and what do you do when you feel happy?"

"Umm . . . my mood changes about 3 or 4 times a day . . I go from depressed to happy really quick and then it's back down again a few minutes later . . . I read when I feel down or I just cry . . . and when I'm happy I'm usually cooking, baking . . . talking on the phone . . . I do the things I always do when I feel good"

"May I ask . . . are you sexually active at the moment, Mrs. and Mr.Jackson?"

"Umm . . . no . . . not at all . . that's a huge problem of mine . . . I can't fully open up to have sex yet . . I feel like I can't connect with my husband the way I need to . . . you know . . to feel comfortable in bed . . . I often feel like I'm not sexy enough . . . or I'm too tired . . . we haven't had sex in a while . . ."

"Mr.Jackson . . . how important is your sex life to you?"

Michael giggles. "I wish we had one"

I slap his arm. "Honey . . !!"

"I'm sorry . . . no seriously . . I totally understand my wife's feelings . . I really hope that we are able to get closer again . . . I really miss having sex with her . . . . if there's anything I can do, I'm definitely willing to do it"

"Patience Mr.Jackson . . your wife needs your patience and your support"

"And I will give her all that . . . I totally understand her . . . I don't blame her for anything"

"Mr. and Mrs.Jackson . . . you two need to have something you can share together . . maybe a nightly walk in the park . . a favorite board game . . a favorite restaurant you like to eat at . . . it's very important now for you two to be doing a lot of things together . . as a couple . . as husband and wife . . . Mrs.Jackson, you need to start including your husband in your daily routine . . . and you Mr.Jackson, be there for your wife . . be patient with her . . . give her time to connect . . . . keep in mind, you two need to spend a lot of time together now after being so distant to one another the last few days. . . this is very important . . . starting to cook again for your husband could be a first step . . . cooking for your partner doesn't necessarily mean that it's your job to do . . . but it shows love and gives comfort to the other person. Makes them feel loved and appreciated"

I take Michael's hand and kiss it.

"I'm sorry honey . ."

"It's ok . . . don't worry"

"Mr.Jackson . . . your wife told me that she does suffer from anxiety and panik attacks. She says it's hard for her to leave the house at times . . . and even sometimes, she's scared being home alone . . ."

"Yes . . she told me that . . . I am ready to help her every way that I can . . if she wants me to stay home for a while, I will . . . I will stop working for a month or two so I can spend time with her and help her"

"No, Michael . . you don't have to do that"

"But I want to . . .I want to help you, sweetheart . . ."

"Why are you so great to me? I don't even deserve you . . . I've been such a devil to you . . and you still treat me like I'm an angel on a cloud"

"You are my angel . . ."

"Mr.Taylor . . . do you see how sweet he is to me? I don't deserve him:("

"I see it . . . that was a very nice thing to say, Mr.Jackson"

"I mean it, Mr.Taylor . . . I love my wife . . I love her so much"

I grab his face and kiss him . . .

"Mr.Taylor . . this might sound weird to you, but why do I feel the massive urge to suck my husbands dick right now? . . right this minute . . I feel the urge so bad . . . why do I feel like that right now? . . is it because he called me an angel? . . ."

"Umm . . . . whatever you do . . . please don't do it in my office"

"You can do it when we get home, sweetheart . . ."

Mr.Taylor and I look at Michael and laugh.


~ JULIANNA's point of view ~  (Ms.Dean)

I just left school. . . today was such a stressful day. I need to realx . . I need to lay down and rest. I'm seeing my therapist in a minute . . . I'm not sure how he will react when I tell him about Jaden . . . . I HAVE to talk to him about it . . . it's like burning inside of me, I have to share it with someone. I haven't even told my best friends!! . . my mother doesn't know . . . my sister doesn't know . . . but I need to get it off my chest . . . I just hope he won't be too shocked about what I'm gonna tell him . . . . .

I walk inside . . . Mr.Taylor is waiting for me already with two cups of tea. The one I like the most. Peppermint. I've been seeing Mr.Taylor for a while now . . it's been half a year I think . . . I started seeing him because of the troubles my dad and I had when I was a teenager . . . he wasn't a very nice father, that's all I can say to decribe the situation between me and him. . . . Mr.Taylor has been a great help so far. I still do feel like I need more help from him but it's getting better . . . . . although, now I feel like I'm opening a whole new book . . . well, technically I am . . . Jaden is a whole new chapter to a whole new set of problems.

"Good evening Julianna. . . you look stressed, your tea is ready for you"

"Thank you Mr.Taylor . . . listen . . . there is something I have to share with you . . something I haven't talked to you about yet . . it has nothing to do with my father . . it's . . . something completely different . . . but to be honest, it's the reason why I haven't been coming in to see you in a while . . . . I was just so distracted from a lot of things . . . . I just . . ."

"Calm down . . . Julianna, don't forget to breathe . . . slowly . . . take a deep breath in . . . and exhale . . . you need to talk slowly and calmly . . I can perfectly hear you, alright?"

"Yes . . sorry . . you know I tend to talk fast when I'm nervous . . ."

"I know, dear . . . now please . . share with me what you wanna discuss today"

"I've done a huge mistake, Mr.Taylor . . . a huge mistake . . . and I'm still doing it"

"What are you still doing, Julianna? . . . what is that mistake you're talking about?"

"The mistake is a 16 year old boy . . . ."

"Ok, Julianna . . if you feel comfortable enough, start talking to me about it . . slowly and calmly . . I'm here, listening as you talk . . . don't rush . . . breath deeply and talk calmly"

"Alright . . . . there is a ton I have to say about that issue but I will go straight to the point right now and let you know that I . . . I . . . I'm I . . . I think I'm in love with that boy . . ."

"You feel like you're in love with a 16 year old boy? . . do you want to tell me who that 16 year old boy is? . . or where you met him?"

"He's one of my students, Mr.Taylor . . . I know you're shocked and so am I . . but . .  I'm just . . . I know I've done a huge mistake and I know I shouldn't have slept with him . . I just . . . I couldn't . . I just . . "

"Calm down . . . don't forget to breathe . . . please take a sip from your tea, Julianna . . it will help you relax . . .  now . . . let's go back to the first thing you said . . . you think you're in love with that 16 year old boy . . . . what makes you think, as a 30 year old, to be in love with a boy that young?"

"It's . . . it's the way he looks, the way he talks . . . at first I didn't feel anything . . I just thought he was cute and adorable and now I feel like I'm crazy about him . . ."

"Ok . . . now let me go back again and ask you . . . you said you slept with that boy . . . did I hear you correctly?"

"Yes. . . . yes Mr.Taylor . . . I feel horrible . . please believe me . . ."

"Julianna . . . I appreciate you being honest about it . . .but I hope you know that what you're doing is not right . . . the boy is still a kid . . . he's 16 years old . . ."

"I knooow . . . Mr.Taylor, please believe me when I say that I'm trying to stop seeing him after school but I CAN'T. I should've . . . I should've just . . . I should've never slept with him . . . that was such a huge mistake and now . . . I'm falling for that boy and there's nothing I can do . . ."

"Are you two having protective sex?"

"Yes, Yes Mr.Taylor . . . . of course . . . but . . I know I shouldn't have sex with him at all but I can't help it . . I can't stop myself . . . in the evening when I get home from school I find myself thinking about him constantly . . . his cute face . . . his gorgeous bright smile . . his perfect snow white teeth . . . his gorgeous skin . . . his huge, dark brown eyes . . the sweet things he says . . his smartness, his sweetness, his generosity . . his . . his everything. . . . Mr.Taylor I'm in over my head . . . ."

"Is he in love with you too, Julianna?"

"He says he is . . . and he keeps repeating it so sweetly . . . he gives me the sweetest notes at school and he sends me the most adorable text messages at night . . . he's so mature for his age . . but I know it's wrong and that's why I had to get it off my chest . . . . is there any other way I can deal with this in a none hurtful way? . . . . I can't stop seeing him . . . that would break my heart . . . and his too. ."

"Does the boy know that you have those feelings for him?"

"No . . . he doesn't know . . . I haven't told him . ."

"That was the right decision, Julianna . . . you telling him about your feelings would only make him feel more attached to you . . . you do the right thing by not letting him know . . . I can't tell you what to do, Julianna . . . this is your decision to make . . . what I suggest is, listen to your heart . . . do the right thing for you  . . and most of all . . do the right thing for that 16 year old . . . if you feel love for that boy, know that loving someone is wanting the best for them"
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I just came back home. The therapy session with Mr.Taylor didn't go so well . . . I do feel better now that I opened up about Jaden and the whole thing but I do feel bad because talking about it so openly made me realize how deep I'm in . . . . 

. . . how fast and hard I'm falling for Jaden.

And the way I'm treating him at school . . . he's not doing homework and I don't even say anything about it. I let him stay inside at lunch break just so I can eat with him . . . . we're being too obvious about it, we have to stop. 
__________________

It's the next the day and I don't feel refreshed or energized at all . . I just hope I get this day over with fast so I can see my friend tonight. We wanna go watch a movie and I really could use some girl time with her. It's been a while . . . I'm so busy all the time . . . and with Jaden in my life, there is no time for anything else. He takes up all my free time. . . . In my head. 

The hours go by fast and I couldn't be happier about it. I need to get out of the classroom fast before Jaden gets to talk to me . . . I know he will ask me if he can come over but not tonight . . . . I'm packing my stuff fast so I can leave . . . . Jaden is out in the hallway taking to his friends. . I hope I can sneak out without him seeing me. Before I can pick up my bag and walk to the door, I get an unexpected visitor . . . 

"Hi, Julianna . . . I just wanted to stop by really quick. . I hope you have a few minutes"

"Umm . . sure . ."

"Can we sit down?"

"Yes . . sure!"

"I don't think Jaden has been studying lately . . . his test results are horrible and he's outside all the time and on top of that, he comes home very late . . . . I wanna know what's going on. He used to be an average student and now he's getting really bad . . . I know my boy can do better. . . and he hasn't been doing homework . . whenever I ask him he says he doesn't have do to any . . . does he even have homework?"



~ to be continued ~