For my dear Catarina ❤️

The bet part 4

Hero

It's been five days. Five freaking days since I talked to someone, five days since I was happy and five days since I actually ate something. I couldn't do anything, eat, drink, nothing. I only drank some glasses of water to stay alive even tho being dead now doesn't sound that bad actually. I am completely broken inside and outside. I used to be a guy without feelings who would play with girls without any worries, but now, gosh now I am something so different and that's all thanks to her. She opened my eyes and showed me the sunshine, she was my sunshine even tho I was with her for the short time, but that night meant so much to me and not only because of sex.

The first day was one of the worsts of all. I didn't move from my bed at all. I didn't sleep, I couldn't sleep. Usually almost every night I have a nightmare, the same one always and it's about a horrible thing that happened while I was a kid. It's some of my dad enemies breaking into our house and fighting with my mom. The night I was with Catarina I didn't have the nightmare and I slept so peacefully like never before. But this night without her it was miserable, the nightmare was back and it was stronger than ever. I guess that's my mind playing with me. Also, that day I didn't shower, I didn't change my clothes, I didn't even answer to any phone calls or messages, I just laid there like a dead body.

On the second day I finally decided to stand up. I didn't change my clothes nor shower, I just put on some deodorant. That day I broke completely and I just had to call Catarina. I tried to call her 25 times and I sent her 17 messages, but she didn't answer any. I even wanted to go to her apartment because I had to see her, but I gave up when I was almost ready and I just sat next to the door, in my boots, crying hardly.

All these nights I couldn't sleep, but the third one was the worst. In my nightmare instead of my mom I saw Catarina and those guys were touching her and hitting her and I couldn't do anything! I couldn't move! That day I became a dead body again just because of that nightmare which destroyed me. The whole day I was thinking about Catarina and how does she feel. Is she broken too? She probably is, I am monster. A couple of ideas how to apologize came to my mind, but I knew nothing is worth it compared to the bet so I just gave up. Lately I give up of a lot of things, why couldn't I just give up of that fucking bet?

On the fourth day I decided to change my clothes, not to shower, I just put on another black shirt and black jeans. I got another idea how to apologize to Catarina and that's writing her a love letter. Or just a letter, whatever. Anyway, I wrote the letter and I will somehow give it to her. I just hope she will believe everything I wrote.

On the fifth day I finally went to school. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I needed to give Catarina the letter. I saw Catarina there and she looks broken, empty and sad, just like me, I turned my sunshine into not-mine-anymore darkness. I destroyed her. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I just dressed up in a hoodie and sweatpants, I didn't do anything with my hair and went outside looking like a zombie because I didn't sleep for five days. During the school day I didn't talk to anyone, I avoided everyone who was included in the bet and if I made eye contact with any of them I sent them a dead look. On my way home I put the letter under Catarina door and went back to my extremely messy room which I didn't and I won't bother to clean.