Dreams Over Reality

Do You Remember?

I wonder most nights.
Do you remember when I stayed up all night crying?
Probably not.
I wonder if anyone noticed.
I doubt it.
It was never about me or who I was at the time.
Just about the constant threat of whether or not I should continue placing scars among my skin.
Like little sins to remind myself of who I was.
Okay maybe it was about me.
But more of what I wanted to do to myself rather than the idea of me.
Often I think about ending my life.
Not because I want to, but because I always saw it as a necessity.
I saw my life as a threat and threats are usually dealt with, right?
So what if I had friends and family members who "cared" about me?
If they truly loved me then they would have noticed all of my tears before.
To my mother, do you remember what you let my dad say to me?
I thought you cared about how I felt.
To my dad, do you remember all of the shit you said to me?
Don't lie to me like you don't remember.
Who's the dumbass now?
You were too stupid to do what you did and moms left.
Now you're in a marriage with someone else and still telling mom that you miss her.
I don't blame you for moving on but don't miss someone you actively hurt.
Remember when you nearly beat the shit out of me because of my grades?
Yeah what a supportive father you were.
All of those years I believed you.
I was nothing.
I was stupid.
I was never going to amount to anything.
I wonder if beating me up would have made you feel better about yourself.
Since clearly the number that judged my academic abilities was more important than the emotional abuse you would have caused.
Since you think that beating up a child for not doing his best in school is the right thing to do.
I really wish you did.
I would have spent the rest of my life resenting you and when you got cancer I would have had the strength to tell you "I hope it kills you."
Maybe if the cancer did kill you I would have forgiven you.
I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for the mental strain you've caused me all of these years.
Do you know how many times I wish I could have just shat on your name and made you feel how much I fucking hate you?
And then when Will told you that I hated you the first thing you did was feel like shit, didn't you?
Begged me to tell you if I did, and I spared you.
At that moment I should have shut you the fuck up and told you every single fucking thing that you did to ever make me hate you.
But I spared you.
All of these years I wondered when my dad would make good with my mother and I only recognize that you were the weakest link.
I remember a lot of things of my middle school life that was caused because of my depression.
I was so stupid and young and made so many mistakes, but at least those mistakes were simple.
At least I know now that those mistakes and decisions I made were not so bad.
Do you remember?
I do.
I remember all of the pain of middle school that shaped me to be the piece of shit I am now.
I remember all of the tears I cried throughout high school that built this barrier of emotions.
I remember all of the times I begged for recognition at night just so I could feel something for once.
I remember all of the times I prayed to "God" hoping that maybe one day my dad would say "I'm proud of you."
but most of all I remember that when my dad always said "I'm proud of you" I never felt anything.
I just wanted to prove him wrong.
I just wanted to laugh in his face and say "I did it without you."
Do you remember?
Because I do.