Dreams Over Reality

A VD Massacre

The day woke me up.
Im smiling and texting the discord.
Shit feels different.
People are lively and around.
Im filled with smiling faces.
My mind wanders off elsewhere however.
It's brought to one person.
The one who changed me.
The one who saw something in me.
The world shifts to normality for a while and I forget my past.
The past they chose to accept regardless.
How the fuck did I get entrapped by their charm and love?
It's addicting.
I fall in love and chose to never go back to the way I was.
But I slip.
Eventually I slip and ruin the past.
Ruin what I was and who I am.
Now im nothing to them.
It's almost like you forgot the promises
Like you forgot the way we made each other feel
I do shitty things to feel better about the pain inside because I cant hurt myself when on vacation.
No matter how much I fucking want to.
Once I get home I'll get real familiar with the knife in my kitchen cabinet.
Really comfortable.
An intimate time with the blade touching my skin and piercing into my personal bubble.
The blood rising from the inside of my body and spilling into the world.
A beautiful sight.
Realistically I won't ever be the same but I know what to do.
I know how to do it and what steps to take.
Though, it means nothing and I know it means nothing.
Fucking waste.
Never would I be important to anyone.
Never would someone want to be around me.
Never would I make someone genuinely happy.
The scars filling my body like a blank page.
It's insane.
The shells ejecting from the gun makes my heart race but nothing could ever make me feel alive.
Not like you.
The alcohol numbs the pain until im alone.
Then it's a thunderous sound in my ears.
What a joke I am.
A laughing stock until I finally fucking die.
I can't wait.
I can't fucking wait until I die.
It's gonna be so fun.
The sudden change in emotions was like a shock to me.
Like it always is.
Though nothing really changed how I feel.
Nothing will ever change how I feel.
The would be mother of my kids.
The would be married into my family.
The would be forever.
And despite all the fucked up things we've been through, Im left alone.
Because of my dumb mistake.
Letting shit get to me instead of finding a healthier way to deal with my emotions.
I love you more than life itself and I broke your heart.
A fate that feels worse than death.
A long waiting game where I know id rather off myself than feel the pain of the already known.
I don't want a world without them.
Young or not, I set my mind on one person and vowed to myself to never leave them.
A promise I won't break.
Though I know I fucked up more than anyone can know.
Breaking their heart after promising to protect it.
Something I can never rebuild.
Im sure they found someone else already.
Im sure they're happier without me.
That's okay.
Though Im more mature than what I've shown them.
How many people would rather work with the problem rather than run away?
How many could you name that have tried to contact even after you blocked them everywhere?
I know Im not perfect and I have my flaws but id change them in an instant for you to be happy.
I love you forever.
I just wanna fix the damage I caused.
To hopefully continue into the future but I can feel you don't want the same.
Almost spiritually so.
Whether you read this or not, I love you.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Happy Valentines Day