Dreams Over Reality

An Honest Note To Myself

I think I should be honest with myself.
Not that I haven't been every time I write about killing myself in some inhumane and violent way.
Though as much as my will to die has grown the past two months, I've been content.
Not content with certain events and they know who they are, Hi btw.
More content with who I've become.
A kid stuck in an adult reality with no real hopes of succeeding.
A kid whose mental state has been lost in a void of mistakes and over-thinking.
A kid whose violence directed inwards has only caused more and more pain but the only way to really let himself feel is with a blade pressed against his skin.
Yeah, I'm content with being that.
Back to being a nihilist with no real moral compass and no strives for a better future.
I'd honestly feel a lot better if everyone had just forgot about me and moved on.
I'd feel better if I never existed and gave people the false pleasure of meeting me.
Maybe in a sense I like the idea of people remembering me, but honestly I'd be hated eventually.
I don't genuinely believe that people like me.
Y'all are just being nice.
Either being nice or just manipulating me to believe so.
I don't really hate myself.
I just hate who I am, which is technically the same thing.
I guess that's what makes it kinda hard to explain.
I do wish I disappeared, but the hope of something better keeps me going even though I've given up.
I've given up on my future, my dreams, my drives and even just waking up in the morning.
I force myself up to do what.
Nothing.
I waste away and just entertain people.
A fucking joke.
Not too many people really understand where my depression lies and I intend to keep it that way.
No real reason for people to try and make me feel better when there's nothing to feel better about.
Everyone leaves in one way or another and I've been cursed or plagued with this since birth.
I feel so isolated that I just wanna suffocate myself and slip away.
I feel so alone that even surrounded by people, I know I'll never really be there.
I don't think it can change.
I don't think I can change.
My suicidal tendencies are a fucking nightmare to fight because I want to die so bad, but somehow my body wont let me.
Like my head tells my heart to wait a bit longer.
You're going to be fine, Enni.
No the fuck you're not.
But you have so much to live for.
No the fuck I don't.
My life is on a timer.
Whether through suicide or imprisonment.
My life is literally on a timer and the clock ticks every fucking day.
Suffocation.
Either way, I know that nobody and nothing can save me.
Don't try to.
Don't waste your time.
I know I wouldn't save a lost cause like me.