Dreams Over Reality

Alone

Every moment of my day I spend alone.
I know i'm not social. I know i'm not normal. I know they see me as sick. I know they want to see me suffer. I know they want me to feel pain. I know that no one cares about me.
They only yell until something uplifting occurs. She never seems to be there when I need it. I've decided to negate all of those thoughts of reliance. Instead i've resulted to just being alone.
I don't want others to help me. I don't want others to feel sorry for me. I don't want others to look in my direction. I don't want others to speak to me.
I don't care about what they think of me. I don't care about who I am. I don't care about the everlasting feeling of consistent sadness. I don't care that I pick up a knife and laugh. I don't care if I were to die. I don't care about what they want me to be.
I only care about bringing myself a smile. I only care about trying to cope with it all. I only care about finding an easier solution.
They want me to be safe. I want to be killed. They want the best for me. I want the worst ending.
They say they love me. I say they don't. They say it's all okay. I say it's not. They say i'm not going anywhere. I say only hell.
She tells me she cares for me. I don't believe it. She says she worries about me. I say she doesn't. She smiles and says i'm normal. I say she's a liar.
I know that no one is here to help me. I understand that I will forever be alone. I never wanted any of this but I can only hope it ends with me in the ground. I can't stand the constant rush of emotion hearing her name. I can't stand the constant anxiety around them. I can't stand the consistent judgment pursued. I can't stand living.
I've only ever wanted just someone to make me smile. Someone to help me with my struggles. Someone to lie to me and say it's okay when I know it isn't.
I've only ever craved the attention of somebody who cared. Someone who would drop everything important just to reply back. Someone I can relate to. Someone who makes me feel like I deserve to be alive.
I have only ever wanted to not feel alone. To feel like every morning was worth something.
Everyday I sit alone in my chair and stare unemotionally at a tv screen until the day is over. Everyday I sit with the weight of loneliness with me. Everyday I sit with the thought of suicide. Everyday I think about the reasons I should die.
I have only ever wanted to not feel alone. To feel loved. To feel happy.
I don't deserve it. I know that. I understand that, but I just want to know what it feels like to be important to someone. I've been this way for too long to continue this desperate struggle if all I'll do is suffer.
I don't like being alone, but I'll have to just suck it up and stay this way. I'll never find my someone. I'll always be alone no matter what.
I'm okay with it. Kayla, you can leave me. It's okay. I'm okay with the silence. It may be unforgiving at some points but you no longer have to think about me. I do love you, but I'm only wasting your time. I understand I'm not the best partner in the world.
I'll be fine.
I can adapt to the loneliness.
I'll stay alone.