Guardian Angels ✔

80 - Don't Want It

Alex pressed her wounded knuckles against each other. Hissing, she breathed in as the shards dug deeper into her flesh. The pain helped her to keep her head clear, making sure she wasn't losing herself in a tantrum again. 

She had to think.

No fucking way that she was going to pack her stuff and flee – but did this really mean it was all over? Fuck – she hated herself. How could she have been so fucking stupid to do the test when he was home? On the other hand – he was always home. And the clubhouse or Juice's house had even been a worse place to do it. 

Her fingers were tingling as the pulled her phone out of her pocket. She had no other choice. Kozik intended to tell Juice about her pregnancy and since he was furious, he wouldn't bring the news in a gentle way. He would throw it right into Juice's face and tell him right away that she wanted to get rid of the child without informing him.

She still wanted an abortion, but she rather told it to Juice herself than that he would hear it from Kozik. 

Searching for his name in her phone, she called him. 

"Hey!" He sounded distracted, and the background music told her he was gaming. 

"Kozik knows."

"What?" Immediately, he sounded alert. 

"That I'm a girl. He discovered it a few minutes ago – and he's fucking mad. He's on his way to you, but it will take a while before he gets there. Can you come over?"

"Eh – you think that's smart? Lemme talk to him. I also convinced Clay to keep the secret."

Alex snorted. She didn't believe Juice had convinced Clay of anything; Clay had realized what power he could have over her and had used her to do his dirty work. 

"He's also going to tell you something I want you to tell myself."

He was quiet for a while. "Tell me what?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you once you're here. This is urgent, Juice."

"Okay fine, I'm on my way." He hung up. 

Sighing, Alex put away her phone. She kept pacing up and down the apartment until the doorbell rang. A nasty feeling spread through her stomach. The fear that Juice would slam the door within a few moments, never to return, made her feel ice cold. Her whole world was crumbling down, and all because of that damn thing in her womb. She already hated it. 

"Hey!" Concern radiated from his face as he entered the room. He was about to hug her, but for some reason Alex couldn't bear the thought of physical contact. Pretending she hadn't seen the gesture, she turned around and headed to the living room. 

She felt so awkward she regretted calling him. But what else could she do? Right before she started to pace again, Juice grabbed her wrist and looked at her wounded knuckles. "What the hell happened?"

"It's all a fucking mess! Kozik snapped at me that I should pack my stuff. What the hell should I run from? Does he really think..."

"Baby... calm down."

Although she tried to turn away from him, he wrapped his strong arms around her, pulling her against his chest. The moment he was holding her tight, the tears started to sting her eyes. 

"I don't want it," she whispered. "I don't fucking want it Juice."

He didn't answer, he just hold her. His breathing was calm and it calmed her down too. Her cramped fingers loosened a bit. After a while he stepped back and carefully took her hands in his. 

"This looks really ugly, Alex."

Indifferently she shrugged her shoulders. "Believe me, this is the least of my problems."

"You got a tweezer?"

"You don't –"

"I'm not letting my girl sit here with glass in her hands," he answered stubbornly. Letting go of her hands, he went into the direction of the bathroom. 

Alex let him. His swearing as he saw the devastation in the bathroom, barely got through to her.

"You two fought?" Juice asked as he returned, a tweezer in his hand. Switching on the lamp above the dinner table, he motioned her to sit down. 

Alex didn't really know what else to do, so she sat down. "No."

Juice looked briefly at her. Instead of asking more questions, he took her hand and started to pull out the shards. Alex studied his face as he was taking care of her injuries. She knew he was waiting for her to start talking, but she didn't want to ruin the moment. He was so loving, so caring, and she was scared to death to lose it. To lose him. To lose everything. 

A tear slipped down her cheek. She shivered, making him look up. 

"Does it hurt?"

"Not that," she said quietly. She dropped her eyes. 

"Kozik won't rush into anything. When I discovered the truth about you, I was mad too, remember? He just needs some time to let it all sink in, but he will understand you like I did. You're so close to that patch. I believe he wants you to have it."

Alex shrugged her shoulders. She didn't dare to hope. 

"How did he find out?"

She bit the ring in her lip. It was better if she didn't wait much longer; when Kozik returned he would probably snap the truth at Juice. 

And so, she dropped the bomb. 

"I'm pregnant. I was so mad when I found out that I smashed up the bathroom. Kozik was alarmed by the noise, opened the lock and saw the test."

Juice lowered his hand, looking at her in shock. "You – you're pregnant? H-how?"

"How do you think! I don't have to explain the birds and the bees to you, do I?!"

"But I thought – that you were on birth control."

"I was."

Most days. Now and then, she forgot to take a pill and took it next morning, especially at stressful days. She never cared much about it; she was using birth control for years and she knew most bodies needed to get used to a natural cycle before they were able to get pregnant. The chance had been so small and she was so convinced of not ever wanting to have children that it had felt like her body agreed with her too. 

But she had been wrong. 

"Jeez..." Juice slumped back into his chair, rubbing a hand across his mohawk. 

At least Alex was relieved he didn't start to cry in joy. The way she had treated the bathroom, must have revealed her feelings about this. 

She stared at the table, afraid she would start to cry the moment she looked into his eyes. She felt so fucked up, as if she had lost control about everything. Juice shoved back his chair, and a moment later he crouched down next to her, carefully taking her hands in his. 

"I love you Alex. I – I hadn't counted on this but... but I will take care of you. I will take care of our baby. I'll look after the both of you."

Her lips were quivering. She didn't dare to look at him. 

"I don't want it Juice," she whispered. "I don't want to keep it."

"I understand how shocked you must feel. But together..."

"I don't want it!!" she yelled. "I don't fucking want it! I rather die than becoming responsible for a child! I'm way too insane to care for a child!"

Juice froze, his hands slipped away from hers. 

But it was true, it was fucking true.