Guardian Angels ✔

51 - Dark Feelings

Alex flipped through the only photo album she had, and that wasn't even half full. With a slight smile she let the memories carry her away. On this page were pictures of the weekend she had taken Kip to a monster truck rally to celebrate his graduation. Since she had never finished high school herself, it had definitely been an achievement worth celebrating. They had camped on a meadow close to the event, in a way too small tent and with way too much beer, and when her brother ran into a nice girl the second night, she had tried to sleep outside in the grass, staring at the stars and  really hard trying to ignore their noises.

The doorbell dragged her out of her memories. Once more she glanced at her phone to see if there was a missed call – she was still waiting for news about Kozik – but there were no notifications. In the end she kept just sitting at the table. There wasn't anyone she wanted to talk to anyway. She had no desire to hear Mila's complaints and the last person she wanted to see right now, was Juice.

She flipped through the book again, but it didn't take long before there was a knock on the backdoor. Through the glass, she saw him peek inside. 

"Come on Alex! Stop bein' so stubborn!"

She ignored him, until he started to mess with the lock as he tried to break into her house again. Agitated, she stood up and limped to the door. Twisting the key, she flung the door open so it slammed against his head. Good for you. "Fuck off, Juice."

"But I –"

"If you say one more time that you love me, I break your jaw," she warned him. 

He looked up. Expecting to see his hurt face, she was surprised by his grim expression. Forcefully he grabbed her upper arm and dragged her inside, ignoring her wounded leg and pushing her roughly on the couch. "Stop ravin' and listen to me!" he growled.

The first thought crossing her mind, was that he looked fucking hot when he was mad. Immediately she pushed away the thought, although something warm attached to the frosty anger inside her as she caught a glimpse of him, taking her here on the couch and forgetting about all his caution for once. Confused, she shook off the image and looked at him, raising her eyebrows questioningly. 

"I've talked to Clay and he will keep his mouth shut."

Alex huffed. "Right. And what does he want in return? Should I let him fuck me too? What do you think I am, a fucking whore?"

Juice cursed and kicked over the table, causing a loud snap. "Stop being so ridiculous! Or does this mean shit to you?" he snapped, pointing from himself to her. "Is this the real reason that you're sleepin' with me? Cause you're afraid that I will rat on you if you don't? I don't need to hear that you love me, cause you made pretty clear that you don't, but do I mean anything to you?" he yelled. "When you were Shane you were my best friend, but now you're yelling that I should hang myself? Do you even realize what shitty things you spit out when you're angry, how much you hurt others? Not only me, but Mila and god knows who else you've gotten rid off! And because of what? Just because we care about you!"

"You betrayed me! You are the one who can't control his tongue!" she answered stubbornly. "How did you think I would react?"

"I thought you wouldn't!" he screamed. "It thought you were dead. DEAD, you hear me?! You lost it when your brother died, killing your own friend, and you blame me for calling out your real name?!"

Alex stood up and glared at him. "Don't you dare to compare these things. The bond between Kip and me was of an entire different nature than ours!"

He snorted. "Yeah, I certainly hope so." He was confronted with so much anger that she could feel the heat radiate from his face.

In a whim, she grabbed him by the collar and looked at him with a wild longing in her eyes. "God you look so fucking hot when you're mad. Take me."

"W-what?" he asked dazed. 

"Fuck me. Here on the couch. Or on the ground – against the wall, I don't fucking care." Hungry for his body, she pressed her lips against his.

"What? No!" Annoyed, he pushed her away. "I'm not some toy you can toss away every time you're done with it! I want a relationship with you, but I seriously doubt you have any idea what that means." His dark glance rested upon her face, and a nasty feeling spread through her stomach. He broke up. 

"I thought you said you wouldn't let me push you away."

"And I thought there was something between us, but this whole relationship centers around you. I guess we were both wrong. So fine – we're done, if that's what you want. If all I'm good for is a fuck, you better find someone else."

After these words he turned around and strode away. Sighing, Alex dropped down on the couch. Her eyes were stinging, but there were no tears. Maybe this was for the best. He deserved a lot better than the mess she was. 

. . . 

Juice's hand ran across his face as he was taking a long drag from the joint he had just rolled. He was sitting on the bench at his porch – there where he had kissed her for the second time. Or him, back then. It was strange, but he missed his friend. It felt like Alex and Shane were two completely different people. Shane had always listened to him, had always been calm, had dared to open up to him... but even the smallest thing could make Alex go crazy, and once she was angry, nothing dawned on her anymore. Was it all because of what Miles had done? Were her memories calling up the fear that Clay would demand the same things from her? Did she believe he had expected sex from her? No – she had wanted him. He had seen the longing in her eyes, he had felt it, every time her fingers had traveled across his body. Or was that all because she wanted to forget about the rape? It felt like they had lost their friendship, somewhere during the past days. Sometimes he had the feeling that he was nothing but a Croweater in her eyes; a way to get rid off her frustrations. Just like the minute before he had left. 

With a sigh, he stared forward. What now? Was it really over? Maybe it was for the best – they both couldn't handle the extra stress. But he loved her, today that had became more clear than ever. He didn't want to lose her – but he neither wanted this embittered Alex, who shut him out, who only considered him as a release. He wanted her to share her pain and her anger with him, but he had no idea how to convince her to trust him. He had insisted many times, but she was afraid that she couldn't pull herself together once her walls were lowered, so that she would no longer look like the tough prospect she was pretending to be. 

It however would take at least nine more months before she could take off her mask, before she could tell everyone who she really was, and Juice had no idea how she should make it to the end. If he was honest, he didn't think she would. 

Not without others – and she was pushing away those others. He felt stupid for believing Alex wouldn't do that to him, but now he had the feeling he had been wrong about their whole relationship all along. Since the moment that Shane had dropped down on that bar stool, encouraging him to talk about his first murder, he had vented to the prospect. 

Alex had never done the same. Only that first night – but never since. For weeks she had shielded off her true self, and even now he knew who she was, now they had made love – or at least he had thought it was love – she was still doing that.

Clay's words filled his head again. "If you can't control her, she's out."

She was no longer the one everything depended on. The success of her mission, that what kept her heart beating, was depending on him now. And he didn't know what the fuck he should do to keep her under his thumb – hell, he couldn't even hold her in his arms right now.