Guardian Angels ✔

48 - Bomb's Dropped

"What the hell are you talkin' about man?" Clay asked, clearly irritated. "Some stone hit your head?" Frowning, he studied Juice's face. 

Juice tried to wipe away his tears, but more and more were coming. 

She was dead. 

For fuck's sake – she was dead. Like, really dead. 

He should have stopped her, should have taken his responsibilities, should have told his brothers that she was a girl. Yeah, she would have been mad, would have cursed him, have beaten him up, would never have wanted to see him again – but at least she would have been alive. 

And now...

Now there wasn't even a body to bury. Maybe some remains were scattered across the field; an arm or a leg, but he knew his brothers would never allow him to scout a minefield to find them. 

"Juice!" Clay grabbed his upper arm and squeezed. "What's going on man? You got a panic attack? Some old trauma? Who the hell is Alex?"

"Shane," he whispered. "Alex is... Alex was Shane. He was a girl."

Blindsided, Clay stared him the eye. "What?!"

Juice's shoulders slumped down. He hung too now. He could have kept the truth to himself, she could have taken her secret to the grave. But he didn't want her to have an anonymous grave like Miles had. She deserved a memorial stone, a grave – even if it was empty. 

And both names should be carved into it. Alex Epps and Shane Brewster.

Clay heaved a deep sigh, squeezing his shoulder. "I'm sorry." Their eyes met briefly and his pres gave him an understanding nod. For the time being the truth would stay between them. 

Juice had to admit that he didn't care much. She might have been part of SAMCRO for a very short time, but she had changed everything for him. New tears glided down his cheeks and he breathed in sniffing. 

Clay pulled him into a hug. "We will give her a honorable goodbye," he promised. He let go of him again and nodded to the others. "You gotta man up now. The cartel doesn't like tears."

Juice took a deep breath and nodded, his legs still feeling shaky. He wiped his cheeks, although he didn't know how to control his tear ducts. Dazed he stepped off the rock and headed for the others. He heard Chibs yelling him to slow down, but it felt like he had no control over his feet. The world was just vanishing around him; he didn't even care if he would step on a mine too.  

Had she even noticed she had stepped on one? What had been the last thought crossing her mind? That she would be reunited with her brother and parents? That her mission had failed? Had she thought about him?

Feeling numb, he joined the others. 

"Aye, what's goin' on?" Chibs glared at him. 

Juice looked up. Alex's name was burning on his lips, but he was afraid that he would break if he would say her name another time. 

"Oh..." The glance in Chibs' eyes softened and he wrapped his arms around him. "Sorry son," he whispered. "He was a good lad."

Juice's throat felt so tight he could barely breath, let alone say something. He stared at the ground, his whole body suddenly feeling so heavy that he wanted to drop down on the ground.

"Where the hell have you been?" Clay's rough voice sounded. 

Wildly, Juice turned his head to the side, with all his heart hoping that Alex had shown up either way. All his organs seemed to shrivel up as he saw Jax. His face was tensed, he was clearly angry.