Guardian Angels ✔

67 - Bonding

Alex didn't stay in the clubhouse. Neither did she go home – it wasn't even 11 PM. She would only feel awkward there, especially when Mila and Kozik were having a good time. If she was honest, she hoped something would bloom between those two, even if that would complicate things for her. They both deserved some love and happiness. 

A ride, that was what she needed. The open air and the speed, the idea to separate herself from her thoughts. She mounted her bike and strapped her helmet. Then she rolled backwards and left the parking lot. 

There were countless reasons why this was a stupid idea. Firstly, she had drank too much to ride; especially long distances. Furthermore the club had so many enemies at the moment that it was dangerous to leave Charming on her own, and eventually she was sure that she was going to cross the speed limit, and getting pulled over by the police would blow her cover. 

None of these reasons however was convincing enough. Right now she didn't care if she would crash into a truck or was gunned down. There was no longing to die, she wouldn't do what Juice had been about to do... but she was totally indifferent when something would happen to her. 

The tightening feeling in her chest was eased a little when she was on the highway, getting rid of her inhibitions. The wind blew into her face; fresh and illuminating, and the speed made her fingers tingle. For a moment she thought about nothing, being led by the wheels underneath her. For a moment she felt nothing – and the nothing wasn't gnawing or suffocating this time; it was just... nothing. 

. . .

Alex shoved her hands deep into her pockets as she stared at the front door. She didn't even know what had brought her here. After yesterday she hadn't been in the mood to hang out in the clubhouse; she didn't want to be around Juice when it wasn't necessary, and Mila had taken Kozik to a musical for which she had won tickets. Or she had bought them – Alex suspected. Mila believed it was good for the man to be around people, especially people who didn't constantly remind him of his broken future and the fact that he might never ride again. Her friend had even suggested that Alex should go to the show with Kozik, but that had been a dumb proposition. As if two bikers would hang out there together. 

"No, you should take him there. I'll be okay," Alex had told her. 

Well – she really wasn't okay.

But Mila and Kozik didn't need to know that. 

Squaring her shoulders, she walked up the garden path before she would change her mind. She rang the bell. 

The surprise on the other woman's face wasn't surprising Alex; she neither knew what she was doing here. Or maybe she did. If there was anyone who could influence Jax, it was his mother. Bonding a little with her wasn't a bad idea, even though Gemma was so observant that Alex was taking a risk. 

"Hey..." Gemma's eyes wandered from Alex to the street behind her, as if she was expecting other Sons. 

She cleared her throat. "Hey. I haven't seen you in a while, so I wanted to check up on you. Maybe you want some company or something."

The woman studied her face. "And you think you're the best company I could get?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea. But the door isn't hard to find when I'm not."

The corner of Gemma's mouth curled up, then she let her in. 

Alex followed the woman to the living room and stood still next to the bird cage. With her fingers she tapped against the bars while watching the blue parrot. Turning around, she sat down at the couch, lighting a cigarette. It had been a while since she had been here; she had been invited over two times for dinner when she had started prospecting. 

Instead of starting small talk, she nodded to a picture on the mantelpiece. There were two blonde children on it, one of them clearly Jax. "Who's the kid on the right?"

Gemma sat down next to her and crossed her legs. She lit up a cigarette as well. Now she was sitting close to the woman, she noticed that the bruises hadn't completely faded yet. Alex didn't know what exactly had happened, but the fact that Clay and she had broken up had found its way to her ears. Had Clay hit her? Maybe Gemma picking her son's side had frustrated him. That didn't justify domestic violence, but Alex' own fuse was too short to judge anyone else's temper. 

"My son, Thomas. He died when he was six."

Gemma looked her straight in the eye, as if she expected Alex to drop her eyes. She didn't. Gemma wasn't the type of woman who wanted to be pitied. "How?"

"A congenital heart defect."

Alex nodded slowly, biting on the piece of metal inside her lip. It was a strange idea that both Jax and she had lost a younger brother, although their shared grief wouldn't have changed anything about their current situation. 

"What was he like?" she asked. She usually preferred to call up good memories instead of paying attention to his departure. 

The small smile around Gemma's lips told her she agreed with that thought. "It was an energetic kid, enjoying everything. He was very easy. It always gave me courage; it felt like he refused to let himself been beaten by his disease." She got up, walked to the picture and sat down again. With her thumb she stroked the wooden frame. 

Alex knew what she was thinking. 

That she would sacrifice everything in the world to caress his face one more time, to hold him in her arms for another minute, to hear his laughter once more. 

"You lost someone yourself, didn't you?"

Her voice startled Alex. She had been staring at the picture for a while; Kip's face had taken Thomas' place. Her sight was blurry and she cursed herself for not noticing how tears had gathered in her eyes. 

Taking a deep breath, she blinked them away. "My parents. My little brother."

"Jeez."

Alex pulled up a knee to keep distance between Gemma and her, she was afraid the woman would pull her into a motherly hug otherwise. 

"My dad died in a car crash when I was 11," she said, sticking to the story that she had told Juice initially. "Mom hung herself a few months later." Dragging from her cigarette, she leaned back in the couch. "My brother died two years ago. Bullet in the head. Wrong time, wrong place."

Gemma squeezed Alex's knee when she stood up. She walked to a closet and returned with two joints. Pot – the answer on everything, she thought bitterly. Just like the time she had talked about this with Juice. 

Alex nodded gratefully to the woman. She had no doubts that Gemma believed that the loss of her parents was the real reason that she was here. Because she missed them and because Gemma was some kind of mother figure for everyone. And well – maybe she wasn't wrong. 

It felt like the drug was breaking down their walls. Until deep into the night they kept talking about things they probably hadn't talked about in a long time. Alex told the woman how hard it was to find her place among the others, that she had feelings for Juice which she didn't dare to show the others and that she didn't feel welcome at home anymore now Kozik and Mila seemed to develop feelings for each other. In turn, Gemma told her about her sons, about the loss of her first husband and the break with her current one. Alex however declined a second joint – as trustworthy as the woman presented herself right now, Alex knew that Jax meant the world to her. No matter how good their talks were, she wouldn't keep the knowledge that Shane was actually a woman to herself and so Alex made sure that she was sharing Shane's sorrows and past – and not Alex's. 

When she headed home around 2 AM, she felt a little lighter. Just talking about things without getting too emotional had helped her. Especially because Gemma was a great listener. She had mainly listened, hadn't asked a lot of questions and she hadn't tried to comfort her with consoling touches. Things Juice had done. Things she had needed – but not today.