Guardian Angels ✔

71 - The End of Chaos and Cold

There was a deadly silence in the clubhouse. Juice's chest seemed to be filled with stones; they were pressing painfully against his ribs and he could barely breathe. He was craving for a joint, to something to ease the stress, but he knew it would be disrespectful. And so he stared at the tabletop, waiting until Jax was ready to initiate the viewing. 

Finally the door opened, and Juice looked up. Jax entered the room, followed by Bobby. Just like the others Juice stood up and lowered his head respectfully. With an empty gaze Jax walked through the clubhouse to the Chapel. 

The other Sons followed him and they formed a circle around the coffin. Tig helped Kozik out of his wheelchair and supported him. Juice wondered what thoughts shot through the man's head. Was he aware of the fact that he would have laid there too a few weeks ago, if Alex hadn't pulled him away from the mine? If he would have been that lucky that there was still a part of him intact...

Even though Juice would rather not look into the coffin, he forced himself to do it. All the injuries on Opie's face were still visible, underlining the sacrifice he had made. In jail his brothers had gone through a couple of horrible hours. Jax had to choose which of them would leave next morning in a body bag. If he refused, they would have killed them all. 

Opie had sacrificed himself. 

He had given the club everything. And while Juice was staring at his face, he wondered if he was worthy to be a member of this club at all. He didn't think he would have had the balls to make the same choice as Opie. Lately there had been so many moments he had shown his weakness... He had been close to betraying the club an he knew he would have done it if Alex hadn't stopped him. And Opie... Opie had lost everything because of the club. His wife. His father. And now his own life. While he had given the club already so much in the past, by spending years in jail. It was unfair – he had made more than enough sacrifices. 

Juice had the feeling that he belonged in that coffin. If there was someone who deserved to die, it was him. A few weeks ago he had even held a rope in his hands. If Alex hadn't found him, he would have been laid out too. However, nobody would have praised him for his courage. They would have been disgusted by his weakness. 

He took a deep breath when the thoughts in his head became more gruesome, the self-reproach harder and harder to bear. It felt like his mind was pulling him inside his head, like his surroundings were fading. Before his brain was shut down by a panic attack, he felt warm fingers lacing with his. Someone was holding his hand. 

The touch was enough to slip back to reality. Alex didn't look at him, she was staring into the coffin, but he did feel her thumb rubbing along his thumb in a soothing way. Knowing that there was someone around who was glad that he wasn't the one in the coffin, calmed him down a little and he took a few deep breaths. 

As much as he liked holding her hand, he had to let go of her when it was time to leave. Alex left the room with the other girls and prospects until only the full patched members stood around Opie's casket. Jax laid another picture in the coffin, then they all lifted the lid and closed it. A lump formed in Juice's throat as he realized it was the last time he had seen his friend's face. 

In silence they carried the coffin out of the room and through the clubhouse. Juice kept his eyes aimed at the ground while they slowly walked to the car that was waiting for them. Quietly they shoved the casket in the vehicle. When the hearse started to leave, they went back inside to have a drink to commemorate Opie. 

The atmosphere remained depressed. The music was played on a low volume and Juice expected it wouldn't take long before everyone went home. Some clearly needed a distraction and took a girl to their room. His glance also slid to a small group of girls. A blond one gave him a shy smile. He dropped his eyes, he wasn't sure what he wanted right now.