Take Two (Queen/Borhap Fanfic)

Chapter 58: Lilly

When we got back to New York, everything seemed different. Everyone was recovering from Roger's incident with his father, and some of us were struggling more than others. Despite me and Freddie's best efforts to tell him otherwise, Brian still thought the whole thing was his fault. He became extremely depressed and I was starting to worry about him. Anita told me she was keeping an eye on him, and I trusted her, but she was so worried about Brian that she refused to leave his side unless she absolute had to. That did not put my mind at ease. What did she think he was going to do?

Ella felt guilty about telling me not to go in there in the first place. I told her she shouldn't feel that way, my interfering didn't actually help. In fact she was right, Roger's father did just hurt both of us. If Freddie wasn't there, I probably would have been hurt worse. Poor, innocent Lucy grew up in a nice small town where everyone was kind to each other. She had never seen anything like this, not even on TV. She had been having nightmares about what she witnessed, which was exhausting for Rami. He barely got any sleep most nights because he was either consoling her or worrying that she might wake up again. Of course, her nightmares were nothing compared to Roger's. I barely slept in my bedroom anymore because I felt I needed to be there for him. Freddie had been spending a lot of time at Jim's apartment because I was always in his room and he wanted to leave Roger and I alone. Honestly, though, I wished Freddie would stick around some nights. This was all taking a toll on me. I needed to be there for Roger, and I wanted to help him, but some nights I just needed someone to hold me and tell me if was all going to be ok. I knew Freddie would be there for me if he knew I needed him, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I felt horrible about even needing someone. Roger had it much worse than I did.

I was lying in bed with Roger one night when he started tossing and turning again.

"No," he cried in his sleep. "No please, stop! I'll listen, please!" I quickly sat up and started shaking his arm softly.

"Roger," I whispered. "Roger, sweetie wake up, you're having a bad dream." Roger sat straight up in bed and started breathing heavily. I softly rubbed his back as he rested his head in his hands in defeat. "It's ok baby," I said quietly. "You're in your room with me. You're safe." Roger sighed and looked up with tears in his eyes. I wiped a tear from his cheek and ran my fingers through his hair.

"I hate this Lilly," he cried. "I just want it to stop. Why won't it stop?" I choked back tears as I rubbed his back.

"I wish I could make it stop, my love," I said softly. "But you're safe here with me, I promise you. You're dad is in jail in Florida right now. He's nowhere near you." I put my hand on Roger's chest and realized his heart was racing way too fast. I tried to get him to take a few deep breaths to slow it down. I looked down at his burned arm arm and back up at him.

"Does that still hurt?" I asked him. My question was answered when I lightly ran my finger over his arm and he winced. "I'm going to get the burn cream," I said. I walked over to Roger's desk where I left the tube and brought it back to the bed. Roger hesitantly held his arm out for me. I started to put it on Roger's arm carefully and he winced again, pulling away from me. "It'll help them heal," I said softly, slowly pulling his arm back.

"They don't heal," he said bluntly.

"They'll fade a little faster with this," I said. Roger sighed and shook his head, but he let me finish. I put the tube down on the nightstand and looked back at Roger. "Do you want to lie back down?" I asked him.

"I can't sleep," he said. "I'll just have the dream again and wake up."

"Well I'll be right here if you do," I said. "You need sleep." Roger nodded reluctantly and lied back down in bed. He rested his head on my chest while I drew small circles on his unmarked shoulder with my fingers. I started singing softly as Roger closed his eyes. His heart rate slowed as he finally fell back to sleep. I sighed and looked over at clock. 7am. It was Friday, so Roger and I didn't have any classes today, but Freddie had one at 9am. He would be back soon to get ready. Usually he slept here on Thursdays because of his early class, but Roger was having a particularly bad night last night, so he left. I heard the door open and saw Freddie walk in quietly.

"Is he asleep?" He asked. I nodded.

"I just got him back down," I said. "He woke up about an hour ago." Freddie sighed and I got out of bed, careful not to wake Roger. "I'll let you get dressed," I said as I started walking out. Freddie softly grabbed my arm before I left and I turned around.

"Darling, are you all right?" He asked me. He's asked me that question several times over the past week, and every time I've lied to him and said I was fine, but I couldn't do it anymore. I held back tears as I shook my head and quickly left the room. Freddie came after me and stopped me in the hallway, closing his bedroom door behind us.

"Lilly, please talk to me," he said, stroking my arm comfortingly. I broke down in tears.

"I can't," I cried.

"Can't what, darling?" Freddie asked.

"I can't talk about this," I said. "I'm exhausted and sad and angry and my back still hurts from hitting the counter when Roger's dad shoved me and I miss my mom and my dad's an asshole, but I can't complain or even talk about any of it because it's not that bad!"

"Of course it is!" Freddie argued. "You've been through plenty!"

"Not as much as Roger!" I cried. "You saw the way his father was beating him, Freddie! He was so scared and hurt he couldn't even cry out for help! Not that it would even matter if he could, because we clearly couldn't do anything! For God sake's, here I am feeling sorry for myself because my father kicked me out of the house and I have no mother to defend me, and the love of my life is getting beat so badly he's terrified of even seeing his father's face, and the mother he does have has done nothing to stop it! I should be so lucky that all I have to deal with is a dead mother and a father who doesn't want me around!"

"So you're not fine then," Freddie said. "About your mother?"

"Of course I'm not!" I cried louder, finally admitting it to Freddie and myself. "She was my best friend and she was ripped away from me when I was thirteen! Do you know how hard it is for a little girl to lose her mother when she's thirteen? It was hell, and it still is! But none of that matters because Roger has it worse! I can't tell him about my mediocre problems, especially not now!"

"Your problems are not mediocre, darling," Freddie said. "Losing a parent is really difficult, especially when the other one isn't much comfort."

"At least I had one good parent for the first thirteen years of my life," I said. "And I had my older sister after that. Roger has no family. I need to be there for him."

"Yes," Freddie said. "But you also need to take care of yourself."

"I don't know how to do that anymore," I said. "I just feel selfish anytime I think about myself." I started crying more and Freddie didn't say anything for a moment, then suddenly pulled me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me in a big hug. I hugged him back tightly and cried on his shoulder. He rested his chin on the top of my head and rubbed my back.

"It's going to be alright, Lilly," he said. "Everything is going to be ok." I nuzzled my head deeper into him as I cried. This was exactly what I needed. Why did I just tell Freddie in the first place?