UNEXPECTED ✰ COLIFER

Chapter 42 ✰ Letter To Myself

Jen's pov

'Dear me,

I'm writing this letter to you because I want you to know that life will get better. It just needs some time, a lot of patience and a tear every now and then. I hope that you're healed from everything that is going on now. I hope that you've found peace, love and happiness in your life again and that you're a strong and honest person. To yourself but also to others.

I want you to know that it's okay for you to cry. I want you to know that crying doesn't mean that you're weak. It actually means that you've been strong for so long, carrying what sometimes could feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders. I want you to know that it's okay, that it's safe for you to let go.

If you look at a river, what does it do? Exactly, it just simply flows. And just like that, you can allow yourself to cry. Become that river. Let your tears wash away all of the heaviness, the burdens, the pain. Let it cleanse you.

Why would tears be something bad when the element of water is what washes us clean every single day? Why would your tears be a bad thing when they're made out of the same stuff, just like the oceans of this planet and the water we drink. As a fact, I know that you love beaches, so let me tell you that your tears are just as beautiful. You don't have to keep filling the glass until it overflows. You're allowed let it go. You're allowed to cry.

You don't have to keep your tears until one day it just breaks down from your eyes. You can allow yourself to just gently let go of what's bothering you. To allow yourself to feel everything. The good. The bad. The ugly. That's one of the bravest things you can do. So when you're ready, I hope you find the courage and the strength to simply let go and let the tears flow to wash you clean from the inside.

Always remember that life is good. It's really good, actually. Even though it doesn't feel or seem like it is. I made myself suffer more times than I can think of, just because I'm afraid that goodness will come to an end. But trust me, you never know until it happens. I'm struggling with this belief inside me that I don't deserve good things to happen to me. Everything starts out fine but then eventually seems to fall apart. I question everything too much but especially myself. I realize that not everything and everyone is supposed to stay in your life until the end, but I think I've made people leave earlier than they may have been supposed to. Simply because I didn't feel good enough for them.

Life is not a straight line, it goes up and down. If you are sometimes happy or sometimes sad, be glad because this is life. It's a part of your path. You need those sad moments to be able to become incredibly happy again.

The challenges you have gone through, and those you will probably face in the future, may break you down. It makes you think about yourself. Are you worthy enough? Are you weak? Did you fail? Let me tell you something: you are worthy, you are strong and you'll succeed. No matter what. Some people will always try to hold you from walking toward your goal. It's like a dark cloud full of negative thoughts that turns even darker every time you look up to find a bit of hope.

I'm terribly sorry that I wasn't great enough during our past journey in life. I didn't ignite your motivation, I wasn't good enough to encourage, to appreciate you. Sorry that I allowed you to hang your head down low, to be so cruel to yourself. I wasn't there to listen to your problems. I didn't stand up for you.

But behind these dark clouds, there is a bright blue sky waiting to shine on you once you blow those clouds away. While you're looking for help to get those dark clouds away, you'll also learn something: nobody can help you but yourself.

But have you noticed that you have changed during the years? Because you have! You have improved. I'm glad and so proud that you did. You're able to drive a car, ask for information, call to make an appointment, you followed your dreams and you put yourself first now. These changes are beautiful. Keep it going throughout your life.

Tell yourself that your life is perfectly imperfect. Just like everyone else's. At the end of the day, it's all about yourself and the kids. Always learn to love and appreciate yourself before you want to be accepted or loved by others.

As I'm writing this letter, your life isn't fully figured out yet. Your life changed 180 degrees recently and you're not 100% sure of your direction, or what you are going to do long-term in life. The clock is running way too fast. Future is something that keeps you anxiously awake at night. So someday in the future, probably in 2 or 3 years, or once you come back to read this letter, I hope you will feel happy that you have followed a path that you are proud of, which allows you to understand yourself better. Which makes you feel happy

Surprise me with what you have in store. And something to remember is that it's okay to not know what you want to do in life and it's okay to have ups and downs. It's life and you should live and enjoy it to the fullest!

With love,
Jen