UNEXPECTED ✰ COLIFER

Chapter 40 ✰ Realization

Jen's pov

It's been a while now. It's been a while that you've been gone. I still water the plants, which grew from the seeds that you had sown. I sleep on the same bed on which we used to, together. It's the same bed, but I don't know why it feels just a little bit bigger now. When I can't sleep at night I stare at the empty side of my bed and wonder about the things I would tell you if you were laying next to me. Life is though without you. Things go wrong as they sometimes will. The roads I'm trudging seems all uphill. Sometimes I want to smile, but all I can do is sigh deeply because it's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. 

'How are you doing? Are you getting through it all by yourself?' Ginny asked as she put my coffee on the table and sat down next to Josh. He lovingly wrapped an arm around her shoulder. I truly loved these two people. Their love was so pure and it seemed as if they were just made for each other.

I nodded and took a sip of the coffee to buy myself some more time. Of course, the coffee was way too hot and burned in my mouth and all the way down my throat.

'Are you sure?' Josh asked doubtfully

'Well, I have to admit that it's difficult without him.' I confessed. 'Very difficult, honestly.'

Ginny grabbed my hands in hers and squeezed them softly. 'We'll always be there for you. You know that right?'

I nodded. 'I do and I'm very grateful for that.'

'What are you going to do now? Now that he is... gone.' Ginny poked him in the side with her elbow. 'Josh...' she hissed.

I smiled as sincerely as possible. 'It's okay.' I fell silent before I continued. 'He isn't dead, at least... not that I know. As long as I'm not sure what happened and where he is... I just don't know.'

'Are you going to wait for him?'

'Josh...' Ginny hissed again.

I looked at Josh lost in astonishment. 'He's my husband and the father of my children. I love him more than anyone else in this world.'

Ginny nodded in agreement. 'I totally get it. I would say the exact same thing if this had happened to us.'

Josh quirked his eyebrow and looked at her. 'But I wouldn't want you to wait for me forever to come back. You deserve your happiness, even if it's without me'.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but I didn't succeed and I felt the tears burning in my eyes. Josh turned to me again. 'What if he stays away for months? Or even years? Are you going to wait for him forever?'

'Joshua Paul Dallas!' Ginny exclaimed irritably.

I shook my head as a tear rolled down my cheek. 'No, Ginny... It's okay. Josh is right, actually. I have to think about this. Maybe he'll never come back...'

'But what if he does come back?' Ginny asked.

'But what if he doesn't? I know you don't want to hear this, but it's been a few months now, Jen.'

I crossed my arms. 'So I have to go on with my life as if nothing happened to him?'

'No, that wasn't what I was saying. You have the right to be sad and angry. Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. But let it go when the time comes. Colin wants you to be happy, I know that for sure.'

I wiped some more tears from my cheeks. 'But I don't know how to do that...'

Josh smiled sympathetically. 'It's not going to be easy.'

The tears rolled down my cheeks again, but I smiled. At least it was supposed to be a smile. 'Now that really helps to make me feel better' I answered sarcastically.

He grabbed my hands and caressed them in his palms. 'Listen to me, Jen. It's not going to be easy, but it won't be impossible. It will get easier after a while. It may not seem like it, I know. But I promise you that we are there for you when you need us and we care a lot about you. You are such a beautiful person and you deserve the world. Do you understand that?' 

I nodded.

'Now promise me that you won't beat yourself down because of what happened. Don't hold it in. Just let it all out. Be sad, be angry, but don't give up, okay?' he continued.

'I promise' I whispered. 'But I don't know how to get through this.'

'Maybe you can write him letters?' suggested Ginny. 

'Letters? But I can never send them...'

She shook her head with a smile. 'No, you're not going to send them. You write down what you feel and keep the letters in a box. That way you can express your feelings and it might be easier to let go.'

Right at that moment, I knew they were right. I knew I had to try to keep myself together, to get my life back on track. But the thing is, I missed him for too long, in too many ways, that it became just another part of me, engraved deeper into my heart with the passing time. I would wake up, stretch, breathe and miss him. Everyone told me to let it go, to let him go, and I would say 'You can't simply will your heart to stop beating. That no matter how long you hold your breath for, you can't hold it forever.' And I could only stop missing him if I stopped being myself entirely. 

I try and tell myself 'you're not alone'. Yet when I get in bed at night, my sadness envelopes me rather than my blankets. My head is propped up by a monster of thoughts rather than my pillow. And by the weight in my chest, it feels as if the mattress is laying on top of me rather than the duvet. 

And all I know through this confusion is when I sit up and take a look around, the only person there is me, and the only person who cares is me, and the only person who understands is me. I feel so alone and that's what's going to kill me eventually. I won't block it all out. I'll just sit and let it all rip me apart. Then I'll get up and keep breathing. One breath at a time. One day at a time. I'll cry for a while and I'll wake up and be shredded for a while. I'm not okay, but I'm alive, and I will be okay. Someday...