Chapter Twenty-One
It ain't hard to hold,
When it shines like gold,
You'll remember me.
I walked into Niall's house as the sun was begining to set, memories from simpler times starting to flash through my mind. Niall was sitting on the couch, a sleeping Blake in his arms as I entered the living room.
"Hey..." I whispered, trying to keep my voice low so I wouldn't wake the toddler.
"Hi..." He whispered back, not looking at me though. His eyes were focused on the wall it seemed, and if I was honest he looked lost in thought.
"Wanna... Wanna go put him in his crib and we could maybe... I dunno... Go on an adventure to the back yard?" He finally looked at me, his face tired as he gave me a soft smile.
"Yeah... I'd really like that." And if I wasn't mistaken there was a small sparkle in his eyes... one that I couldn't help but smile at.
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"I've missed this." He whispered a little later as we watched the sun slowly make it's decent through the hills from the backyard. We were sitting next to each other on a blanket that sat on the grass, gazing up at the sky. His hand was close to mine, but I was scared to grab it... Instead I opted for putting both of them on my knees as I sat next to him.
"Yeah... I've missed it too." I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, still kind of scared to look at him completely.
God I felt like a teenage girl.
But I'm not a girl.
I'm a dude.
I have a dick.
"Why haven't we done this for a while?" He asked, his voice soft.
"Dunno, guess we never found time." I shrugged, I honestly didn't know... I remember that this was how I fell in love with him...
"We should get back in the habit." I looked over at him, my hands on my knees as I watched him. His eyes were closed as his head leaned back slightly. A ghost of a smile was on his face, which made a smile of my own appear on my face.
"Yeah... I think we should. Maybe next time we can go back to the lake or something."
"I'd like that..."
"I know you would." The conversation faded again, much like it always did nowadays... I didn't like it. We used to be able to talk for hours..
"Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"Are... Are you mad at me?" His voice was so quiet that I nearly didn't catch it, but sadly I did... I took a deep breath as I looked away from him and to the ground.
"I am, but I'm not at the same time."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"I don't think you do... I'm truly sorry Harry... I... Sometimes I don't even understand why I do the things I do."
"I just... right now I feel like I'm not enough for you."
"What?"
"I'm not enough to make you stay." I admitted, biting my lip as the words stung me even though I was the one to say them. Niall didn't say anything for a moment, the silence almost deafning as I waited for him to say something.
Anything really.
"It's not you... It's me. Harry, you're the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me. You... You're the only one I want to be with, and it scares me. It scares me because I'm terrified of letting you in. I want you to trust me, but the only way I can do that is if I can trust myself. I want to be able to say that I'm okay, but I can't. You're enough to make me stay, hell you're more than enough... I just don't want to."
"And don't you realize just how fucked up that all sounds?" My voice was a little more angry than I intended, but I was starting to lose my patience.
"I do."
"Then why?"
"Because I'm tired."
"Of?"
"Being here. Of fighting. I want to just give up, but for some reason I can't. I won't because I can't. I think you're the reason why I'm still breathing right now... I can't bear to think of life without you, but sometimes I think that you're life would be easier without me." It took a moment as the words sank in, and the second they did I wanted to cry.
"No. Don't you ever think that. Stop thinking like that. I need you just like you need me... Fuck Niall I can't live without you." I bit my lip, finally pulling him into my arms. He started to cry as I held him, clinging onto my shirt as if it were some sort of lifeline.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't... Don't be sorry. No more apologizing." I whispered, kissing the side of his head as he just cried. I started to cry myself, the cold night air starting to hit us as the sun finally disappered behind the mountains.
"I love you... I love you." I said, rocking us a little as he held onto me tighter.
"I love you too. So much." His voice was still quiet, cracking a little as he spoke. It fell silent for a little while after that, his breathing becoming even as he slowly fell asleep.
I carried him inside, laying him gently on the bed before climbing in next to him.
"I'm gonna marry you... I love you so fucking much... and I'm never ever letting you go."
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I swear to god if I'm still sick by tomorrow I'm going to flip shit. Tomorrow marks a week and ugh.
Anyways, I posted two new stories in the past 24 hours. One is a Niam called Side Effects and the other is a Nalex called Push.
If you guys would check them out and maybe leave some feed back, I would be forever grateful!
Dedication:
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