Chapter Thirty-Eight

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Chapter Thirty-Eight

Darling, hold me in your arms the way you did last night

And we'll lie inside for a little while, here oh

I could look into your eyes until the sun comes up

And we're wrapped in light, in life, in love

A month passed by in a blur, or to me at least. It was a constant struggle of going to school and coming back to make sure Niall was doing okay.

He had his good days, but sadly I couldn't say they were more frequent than the bad.

He didn't smile anymore.

There wasn't much of a sparkle anymore.

He wouldn't laugh at my jokes...

He barely looked at me.

And one day that got a little too much for me to handle.

It had started out like what seemed to be a normal day for us, I woke up alone, the bed still made on Niall's side as he hadn't even came to sleep upstairs.

I walked down the stairs to find him asleep on the couch though, his clothes from the day before dirty and wrinkly.

I woke him up, he didn't even say good morning.

We ate breakfast with the two of us not even uttering a word.

He went back to the couch.

I washed the dishes.

I walked back into the living room.

He was staring at the wall.

"We need to talk." I whispered, sitting on the coffee table in front of him. He didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

"Niall, it's been a month... I... I miss you. You don't even talk to me anymore and... and I feel like I'm just speaking to myself now. You won't even look at me." Nothing.

"You're not the only one hurting. You're not the only one who lost someone close to them." His eyes looked into mine.

"I lost him too. I might not have loved him like you did, but I still lost him and honestly I think you're being really selfish because I'm hurting too. You won't talk to me, you won't look at me, you hardly acknowledge I exist now... You haven't said a single word to me since the funeral and I just... It's hurting me. I'm hurting, you're hurting.... I can't help you and I feel like it's back to square one. You won't trust me with how you're feeling, and I can't help you. I want to help you." I managed to get that all out before taking in a deep but very shaky breath. I started to play with my hands, looking down at them so I wouldn't be met with Niall's somewhat dead gaze.

He didn't like that though, grabbing my hand which in turn caused me to look up again.

"I'm sorry... I've been selfish..." He whispered, his voice breaking a little as it had been quite sometime since he'd said anything.

"I... I miss him. I miss him a lot Harry... I keep looking at my phone thinking he's texting me, asking me to go to the diner and have lunch. I keep hearing his voice every time I'm trying to fall asleep. I see him every time I close my eyes... I miss him. I miss everything about him, and it hurts. I want him back... I want him to be here... but he's not. He's not here anymore and it's killing me on the inside. I can't call him and ask how his day was anymore... I don't get to see that smile ever again... I don't get to hear his voice or his laugh... He's gone and I can't accept it." Niall shook his head, unshed tears shimmering in his eyes. He took in a shaky breath, looking away from me for a second and back at the wall.

"I thought I saw him the other day, I answered the door cause I heard a knock. He was standing there in that stupid Walk The Moon sweater he always seemed to wear... His glasses were sitting on the bridge of his nose, a grin on his face. I went to hug him, but when I pulled away I saw the bullet wounds. The one to his chest... there was blood seeping out of his stomach... I blinked... and he was gone."

"I thought I saw him a while back too... I went... I went back to the bakery and I thought he was sitting at the counter much like had when we were younger. He smiled and waved at me..." I said after a moment, looking at Niall as he looked back at me.

"He'd want us to be happy... I know he would, I just... I find it hard to move on." Niall whispered, looking down at our intertwined hands for a moment. I gave his hand a small squeeze, hoping that somehow that would reassure him.

I felt we were getting somewhere....

"Sometimes we just have to let go... We won't ever forget him, but... We can't keep living like this. Eventually we have to move on, and I know that's hard on the both of us... but it's what's best." Niall nodded, before kissing me softly.

"Yeah... It's for the best. Can you promise me something though?"

"Anything..."

"When and if we have kids... Promise me we can name one of them after him."

"Yeah... I'm okay with that." I gave him a reassuring smile, kissing his forehead softly.

"Now you mister need to go shower, we need to go house hunting before our wedding." Niall smiled softly, shaking his head a little.

"You think we should do that? You know... get married in a month and all?"

"If you want to put it off we can?"

"No... I think...I think it's what he would've wanted."

"Then it's a date... but seriously, go shower." Niall laughed, but did as I asked. As I listened to the sound of the shower turning on, I looked out the kitchen window and up at the sky.

"Thank you..." I whispered, smiling softly.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I guess now is the time we discuss the question on everyone's mind as to why Alex had to die...

Honestly, I didn't originally plan it. I didn't want to kill him (cause he's my babe, and I love him more than anything), but then I was discussing things with Krisite and well I decided I was going to have an accident occur. 

I chose Alex for the reason that he was a significant person in not only Niall's life, but in Harry's as well. I know it doesn't really seem like he was for Harry, but you guys have to remember the little back story Alex and Harry had. When he was younger, all Harry had was his dad and then his dad died leaving him with a woman he barely knew. Alex was there for Harry much like he was there for Niall when Harry left back in book one. Alex cares more about others than he did himself, hence why he saved Liam in the first place. 

I get questions as to why Alex was even a part of the story... He was there because in my mind it showed how Niall truly did care more for Harry than he did for Alex. As some of you remember, near the end of the first book Alex is seen as the better option for Niall. He's who Niall needed, but not who he wanted. 

Obviously Niall wouldn't choose Alex though, as humans we tend to go towards the opposite of what we need... 

I guess this isn't really much of an explanation, but it's the best I can do. I'm sorry that it took so long for a lot of you to realize how good of a guy Alex was. I still get comments on Shiver about how much of a dick he is, and honestly I want to laugh and cry. Why? Because they don't know what's to come. 

No one really does. 

Including me. (I'm serious, I usually write this shit as it comes to mind... but for some reason I actually planned this series...) 

That's the beauty of a story. 

Dedication: 

sort-of-weird

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Connie xx 

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