Guardian Angels ✔

30 - Panic Attack

Alex listened to how his footsteps died away until a door was closed. She turned on her side on the couch, her cheek sinking in the pillow Juice had given her.

It smelled like him.

It brought a hint of a smile on her face, even though it didn't loosen the knot in her stomach. The past hour she had told Juice nothing but lies. Half-truths, she told herself. She was really afraid of Mila's response to Miles' death and she was even more afraid that her friend would notice she had changed because of the rape. She didn't want her to know – nobody needed to know about it. However, that hadn't been the reason she wanted to spend the night here; Mila wasn't even in her apartment. But she wanted to be here tomorrow morning, so she could remind him of their plan before he got scared again. There was a good chance he would be fretting the whole night and she wanted to be there for him if he needed another talk.

And there was a second knot in her stomach... He had feelings for her. Well, not for her, for Shane. She had thought it had just been a whim at the Halloween party, but it was now clear his feelings went deeper. He was really struggling with his sexuality.

Only because she was lying to him.

But what could she have done differently? Confessing that she was a woman? She doubted he would laugh about it; he would probably get really angry and right now he needed her support. Now she had entrusted Tara with her secret, it would be easier to tell Juice the truth, but not now. Only when the shit with Roosevelt was over and when he wasn't suffering so badly from killing Miles anymore.

But knowing Juice, that would take some time.

. . .

Juice was still tired as he woke up the next morning. Shreds of memories about yesterday floated through his head like fog. He could still feel Miles' blood splatter in his face, he could still see the empty look in his eyes, could even still hear the bump that had sounded when the body had hit the ground. Shakily, he breathed out, his throat feeling swollen. How could he ever live with this? Miles had been a friend. Maybe not a close one like Shane or Chibs, but he had never done anything wrong.

Turning on his side, he stared at the empty side of the bed. There had never been a girl lying there, he never took Croweaters home. Now he however wished there had been someone he could snuggle up to, who could hold him close, telling him everything was going to be fine.

His thoughts shot to Shane, who was lying on the couch. But it wasn't the same. He longed for the soft embrace of a woman, to her whispered words, her tender caress. It was hard to imagine Shane would do something like that, despite yesterday's fiery kiss and the fact that his fingers felt so soft. The boy also had a harsh, grim side that made Juice feel uncertain. It just didn't seem to fit: Shane having feelings for a man. Has it been true at all? Or had Shane said those words only to make him feel better? It wasn't hard for the boy to lie to the club about what had happened between him and Miles and nobody had doubted his words. He could easily have lied about this too.

Juice sat up straight, rubbing his face. How could he find out? Should he flirt with him? There were hundreds of girls he had flirted with, but he had no idea how to flirt with a man.

Juice knew this wasn't important at all at the moment, but out of all his problems, this one was the most pleasant one. He rather thought about Shane than about Miles' bloody face or the fact that he had to tell the club that his father was black. He could survive a broken heart. But the other two problems... he had his doubts. Maybe he wouldn't even be a Son anymore after today. Maybe he'd even get the Mayhem vote.

All of a sudden, panic squeezed his throat. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed and breathed in deeply, slowly letting go of the air again. Dark spots were dancing before his eyes, and suddenly he saw nothing but a dark red haze. It felt like he was smelling blood as if his face was covered with it. Miles' blood. Or maybe it was his own blood. His fingers were shaking as he brought them to his head, as he drove his nails into his scalp. His heart beat like crazy, his head pounded in the same rhythm. He bent his neck, shielding off his head with his hands. He wanted to disappear, wanted to be forgotten.

It didn't take long before the first tears of this day rolled down his cheeks.

. . .

Alex watched the clock. It was past half past seven, usually, she headed to the garage around this time and she wanted to stop off at home to get her chest binder and kutte before going there. Had Juice slept through the alarm?

She left the living room and crossed the hallway on the way to his bedroom. There, she knocked on the door. "Juice?"

When he didn't answer, she opened the door. He sat on the ground, his back against the bed, hugging his knees and pressing his face against them. He wasn't wearing anything but boxer shorts, but that was the last thing that crossed Alex's mind. She crouched down in front of him and stroked the left tattoo on his head. Her touch made him look up. Alex swallowed at the sight of his red, puffy eyes and the distraught look in them. During her time in the army, she had seen lots of people having panic attacks, by which she knew Juice was suffering from one. She laid her hand over his and slowly stroked his thumb. "How long are you sitting here?"

He shrugged, staring past her.

"How do you feel right now? Do you have trouble breathing? Heart palpitations?" Worried, she looked at him. His breathing was faltering, but it seemed that the worst was over.

"My head... My whole body just feels so heavy," he muttered. With jerky fingers, he rubbed his face. "I'm afraid to lose the club, Shane. That they will vote me out. Maybe – maybe I'll even get Mayhem."

"Are you crazy? Of course not. I'm sure nobody will care about your black dad, Juice, and come on, you really think someone wants to kill you for this?? Would you vote for that if it was about one of your brothers?"

Juice shrugged indifferently as if he was no longer able to think.

"I know this isn't easy for you, Juice, but it has to happen. Believe me as I tell you that the guys care more about you than a stupid outdated rule. Everything will be fine, okay?" She laid a hand against his cheek, something that was easier after their last talk. "And whatever happens; I will be there for you. If they are really so stupid to kick you out of the club, I will quit prospecting too."

"Would you... would you really do that?" he asked, baffled. His fingertips wandered across her hand as he looked at her. With her thumb, she caressed his cheek, and it seemed to help him calm down a bit.

"I would. If they really treat their brothers in the way you fear, this isn't a group of people I want to belong to. It contradicts everything SAMCRO stands for. And that is why I don't believe they will turn their backs on you. You are family, Juice. But in case the whole world goes crazy and you turn out to be right, just know that you can still count on me."

With his right hand, the man rubbed his eyes. The fingers of his other hand were still on hers. For a while they kept sitting this way, then Shane stood up and held out her hand.

"Come on. You can do this."

With a sigh, he grabbed her hand and she pulled him on his feet. He still looked defeated and she pulled him into a hug. She let her forehead rest against his. The look in his eyes was still tensed, skittishly. After a short hesitation, she laid a hand on his neck and gave him a brief kiss.

"We will work this out."

It was a promise referring to more than the situation with Juice's father alone. With her thumb, she stroked his bottom lip to make sure he knew that too, and when he realized what she meant, a small smile appeared on his face.