Perspective

Part 2

You know, most days I firmly wake up attempting to feel the positive outlook on life. Perspective, by definition it means the particular way you look at things, the point of view. I actually have that tattooed on my forearm. Reason being, i definitely have pure belief on the fact that you can live your life the way that you choose to, and that purely is based on your own intuition. 

The environment i grew up in was not necessarily positive. In fact a lot of the time there was a negative essence from my mom and my sister and whatever male my mom was with at the time. For a long period of time that was Rob, they where together for about 10m year. Four dating and 6 engaged. Matter of fact io was ranting to my mom yesterday about how much i didn't like him. But to be fair it wasn't just him that caused the

egativity in the home. Other factors centering my family. Ugh i have discussed its complicated i can get in more depth within time. But i just wanted to bring up the fact that my state of mind is so far from my childhood environment and i am honestly so impressed with myself because of it. 

I like to see things from more than one side. Things are not simply black or white, but to be honest some things can be. Things are almost always much deeper than we as human beings can comprehend. I don't think I'm a pessimist, or a realist, or a optimist, I'm not sure what kind of mind state i have. And that is simply because i feel like things vary from situation to situation. These days i am grateful for anything that the universe gives me. And i feel like that's more along the lines of the spiritual because i have decided to put all of what happens to me in the hands of the universe. It's teaching me patience and to honestly cherish my life and my existence and everything that i get day by day.  And i no longer strive to live for others. 

I was with my family yesterday for a family function. Actually it was a belated Christmas get together, and mind you its almost February. After my uncle had passed away, a lot of my family sort of separated and moved so we try to make it a goal to get together for Christmas even if its not even around Christmas time. Which is nice because i get to see them, but at the same time for a lot of me and my cousins its deeper than just a family gathering. Now with my cousins there is 13 of us, that's for my 1st cousins alone. I am the second oldest of us all, my sister being the first. Granted that my mother is the oldest of her siblings so it was bound to happen that way. A lot of us didn't get to see each other because our parents "didn't have time" for one another. But if you know anything about life, people ,make time for people they care about. So as my younger cousins get older, we have been trying to hang out more often. wild isn't it. that we are trying make the effort but according to the older relatives i have we don't do anything to keep in touch except for the maybe yearly Christmas party. Some of the family don't even show to some of the Christmas events. Nothing in my life is simple or easy to explain and now that I'm writing about it i realize how complex it actually is. the more i do open about my life thought i kind of enjoy it because it helps me understand me more...even thought its complex. But that is me and my life, complicated. 

I brought up the family even because while i was there i had a thought. Now in the past when i would be with all of my cousins, i wouldn't want to leave i would want to be there with them as long as possible. I would feel the same when i am with Maria and the kids as well. I would never want to leave or come home. For a long time i think i would want to avoid coming home because i felt like being alone was a bad thing. Like i was alone. But since I've been working on myself i almost want to come home to my private home in my own company. And yesterday i had the thought that i wanted to go home. I even shared that thought the last time i was at Maria's. I think i have learned to enjoy myself and my own company so much that i almost crave my personal time. That's honestly so cool to me. 

I seem to impress myself more often. That's not really something a lot of people can say about themselves. There are just small things that i have started doing that have helped me grow, and every time i do something it makes me feel good about myself. Something that i have worked on, and it something that honestly has probably put me in dark place for a long time is theft. So since I've been an adult, even a few years prior i would go places and steal. Literally. I would convince myself that it was okay because i wasn't doing to any one in particular person. I would also believe that i, for whatever deserved the things i took, because they where things that i wanted or things that i needed. A lot of the time it would be things from hygiene products, or clothing, shoes maybe, makeup, or even just things that i wanted and i personally didn't feel like i should have to pay whatever price for. I had a system for doing it to, i even went as far as having a bag specifically for it. The people around me i would convince them even that it was okay and i would get things for them. I think i got them to believe it was normal so we legit would go on trips to the store to get things we needed. I got away with it for a long time. But then...i got caught...but part of the problem was i was let off easy the first time because i was able to talk myself out of it. But then i got caught again last July. I believe this was something that influenced my rock bottom. Because when i was caught in July, I was potentially going to be charged with a misdemeanor. That was one of the other things that sparked in me that made we want to change my ways and the things that made me feel like absolute shit about myself. I finally allowed myself to realize how wrong theft actually is. And i know to normal people this is probably stupid. But to me...theft was the way i knew how to do to get through my life. But now...its different. I feel the shame and guilt from it. I have thought about it recently trying to do it even but i legit couldn't even bring myself to it. It weird almost, foreign you know. Now i have dealt with going to court for my summons and i have just paid the fine of $504. So i will be on a year of probation, which is basically staying out of trouble, and i have to complete a small online theft class. I'm proud of myself in the sense that I've been doing almost all of it by myself. I generally would want someone to go with me because i was scared but i realized i don't need someone to look after me. I am my own person, and i have to figure life out for me. 

Chloe is a strong independent person. I didn't used to be this way. I thought that i was, but i was pretending to be. I think i was putting up a front for other people to look at me one way. Because i wanted them to see as such. But i honestly wasn't. I think maybe Emma and tone are the only people that really know that about me. Or at least that's how i feel about my old self. I actually don't think I've mentioned Emma yet, but that's my wifey. No not my girlfriend, but my best female friend. The best female friend I've ever had. She and i have been best friend's since like 3rd grade or so. But she is the only person i have ever really felt 100% myself around besides Tone. 

So when it comes to Emma, there used to be 3 of us. Emma, Abby and myself. I'm not friends with her anymore. Things got complicated with her too. It actually just makes me sad and a little frustrated with her. The three of us where friends since elementary. We even got matching tattoos. Not exact matching, they where little tattoos on our right shoulder. each of us got a cute little bug. Mine being a ladybug, Emma's was a butterfly and abbey got a bumble bee. We where all really close. But then a few years ago it was so sudden but she legit ghosted me. I tried to text her on snap, or IG or FB or even just regular text and she wouldn't reply. We have another mutual friend from high school, Kenzi, she and Emma would just tell me that abbey would talk to me when she was ready. I just simply didn't understand it. And then one day she just texted me back out of the blue. As if it was all okay. So i was relieved that she messaged me back at all because me being me i was worried about her. But we finally got together and hung out at my place and i had to ask what happened. When i did...the only thing she told me was that, "you know just dealing with life". That didn't make any sense to me. Like there was obviously something deeper then that. And her supposedly being one of my best friends, why wouldn't she just tell me what was going on. Or throughout that time all she had to do was tell me, hey i need some time to myself. Or Something! But throughout those 6 months or  so she was talking to and hanging out with Kenzi and Emma. Which was weirder to me that neither of them was telling me what was going on. So it was just strange. And i still felt uneasy about Abbey. So i kind of drifted from even seeing her. I might have seen her one other time but Emma was around too, but that day Abbey did disrespect me in my own home and Emma herself was shocked that i let it slide and i didn't say anything to her. I think i was just trying tom stay on her good side because i missed her. But then there was a point where i felt like she didn't care enough because she neglected to tell me why or apologize for making me feel like i wasn't worth an explanation. And then Emma finally told me because she felt not right about it all. Basically Abbey was supposedly going through some mental issues or something to do with life stress and, even though i was supposed to be one of her best friends, she felt like she couldn't talk to me because i would judge her...but if you know anything about me I'm quite the opposite. And I'm just so confused still to this day why she would think that about me. I had a conversation with Kenzi and Emma about it separately and they told me they didn't understand it themselves. So i made a decision. I wrote out a paragraph to send to her telling her how i feel. And part of the problem with Abbey, is that she doesn't really know how to talk about her feelings. And if she doesn't she wont say much. Maybe that's why she wouldn't talk to me. Maybe it's because she felt like i wouldn't validate her or make her feel good about how she felt or something. It's weird, i just feel like when people tend to have a problem with me in any way, they have problems with themselves and they don't want a real conversation or to be confronted about the real problem.

 I'm a very honest person and i do know that's why some people don't like me. I have found that my personality is not for everyone. And that is okay with me. Simply because I'm okay with myself and i know that I'm not a bad person. I better myself day by day. Hell, maybe at the time of the situation with Abbey i wasn't able to allow her to feel like she could talk to me because of my erratic actions and reactions, and that is entirely possible. And i do miss her from time to time, but at the same time i do apologize to people who have had to experience me in the negative ways that I've been in the past. If Abbey ever does happen to read this, I'm sorry you felt the way that you did, i acknowledge that I've not always been easy to talk to. But i also know that my time and my life is better without some individuals. And as I've said before i believe things happen for a reason. You may not understand them when they happen or even within time you may not understand but there is a purpose. 

There's many friend's that i had in my youth that i think about often. Hannah, Meesha, Dee, anybody from Camp, there's so many people from school that i was always cool with, but at the end of the day only certain people are honestly truly valued by me and I'm okay with it. I trust my intuition, you should too. 

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