Perspective

Part 23

It was strange, i sort of wanted to continue writing last night when i got done. I don't know if it was just like the continuous thought process that was occurring in my brain or what. I think i also just do like writing/typing. 

Today was Emma's birthday, and we had a birthday party for Rwby's 2nd birthday, her birthday itself was a few days ago but Casey wanted to have that party today. Rwby was so cute today, she did really well with the party itself and like she loved the concept of singing happy birthday. Matter of fact she had us sing at least 3 times and continued singing herself a little bit after the cake and while doing presents. 

Do you guys do presents or cake first? Like is that a thing? Where you do one or the other first. It seems right to do the cake first though. It just makes sense, because you're introducing the child to the party and the gifts are presents of the party. If you do it the other way around that just feels wrong to me. I also love the joy that kids get from their birthdays. Like there doesn't even have to be a lot of people there, as long as there are people celebrating that child and their birth and they feel loved who cares how many people attend. It does make me sad when people don't do birthdays or holidays for their kids. Like i understand that sometimes it has to do with like their religion or whatever, and sometimes some people don't do it because they can't afford it. But like...some people don't do it because they're simply lazy, of course they would never admit that, but a lot of us know that that's the reason. Maria doesn't really do birthdays or holidays. And i think that for her she has it convinced herself that it has to do with religion, but i think it's almost too much for her. Although she did do a little bit for the kids this past year, a tree for Christmas and Tone did have a small party last year for his birthday. But like she doesn't really do them anyways. It makes me sad. Because as a person who truly celebrated those things as a kid i will say holidays and birthdays were in fact the best because it felt so magical. I think it kind of takes away their kids childhood in a sense. For some people, the only good part their childhood was the holidays, so when you don't show that effort you kind of take away a part of their life that is something that is a memory for most that does bring pure joy and a essence of the innocents that they once had. From personal experience, Christmas was amazing, the joy that brought the whole family together every Christmas eve was something that i can't put into words. The fun of dressing up for Halloween and deciding what you're going to be dressed as was so fun and going out and getting bags full of candy was exciting. Getting dressed up in a nice outfit, and going to a families house for a nice meal and the easter egg hunt was even something that was you looked forward to, and the easter baskets the bunny left when you woke up in the morning. Every year, a party that is put together for you, to celebrate you at every age and getting presents and cake and a piñata, and enjoying food and friends and family and games was always a thing i had to look forward to leading up to the birthdays themselves. Actually, due to the fact that my family has so many people born in certain months, we had a party for the people in that month. For me it wads the "June babies" my birthday was apart of. I loved it. Being apart of a family so big was always so amazing in that aspect of joint birthdays and holidays.  Being a child and having that pure innocent imagination is something that an adult will most likely never be able to understand because their brains have matured and developed beyond that point. Being a adult makes you question things and judge things because you know the reality of every situation. A child is just so pure and so positive, those memories will stay with them as an adult simply because it will make them miss it. Diamond grew up in a home that didn't do holidays or birthdays either, and she tells me about how she wishes that it was a occurrence in her home growing up. Any one that i have talked to that didn't have it say they wish they did. They can't explain why, but it's just something "missing" from their childhood. Childhood is something you can't get back, and having apart of it taken from you like that can potentially harm you in a way that is unexplainable. No it's not intended that way when the parents want to either take away that imagination at a younger age then most or not have it around for whatever reason it may be. But there is so many things that can harm a person in the young formation of their brain and cause that childhood trauma. No that's not always the case, realistically we can't really know what cause certain damage in the adults mind unless there is a deeper investigation into the individuals brain. You know some serial killers had perfect fine childhoods, they grew up in homes where it seemed like they could have turned out to perfectly fine abiding citizens, but sometimes a person does turn out bad because of that natural evil that was embedded into their DNA. Some people can have childhoods full of love and full of that childhood innocents that involve amazing holidays and birthdays and still turn out fucked up people with a fucked up agenda. Sometimes there's not a reason or rhyme to why they think the way they do. But i do believe if you do what you can for your kid in that small aspect, that is a way of showing it's not in your fault era as to why they are so broken. 

You know today at the party Mamaw showed up. She actually came to something. She's had that history of not showing up, but it was a decent time she showed us today. There was a point where she told me that she liked the fact that I'm out here "living my life and enjoying my youth". I actually did take that as a compliment, just because she's not wrong. I enjoy it too. She also said at a later point that if i do or when i have kids I'd be good at it. Which i have been told by many people...that does make me feel good. But i also know that you know. I may sound condescending to some people if they didn't know me, but i do know that i could be a good parent. I mean hell, i have gone 24 almost 25 years without having a child because not only did i feel loved for another person, but i also haven't been in the proper state of mind for a longer period of time. So when people tell me I'll be a good parent, it does strike a little warm spot...actually...the first person to tell me that was Sanai. That was before i had ever even gotten to a good point in my life. He told me that years ago when we were having a heart to heart conversation. At that time i only thought maybe he said that because i had treated him better than his mother and not because it was true. But now i do believe that that's a true statement. And it makes me happy that he recognized that in me before i could recognize it myself. He was always my first child, my birth child or not. He knows that too. I love that he knows that. When we started talking again i reminded him of that, the fact that he's always going to be my baby and i tell people at work about my "son" and they know exactly who i am referring to. He literally goes, "i know you do. " That's because he is and always will be. I can't wait for him to meet the children that i have by birth, i will be telling them that that's their brother and i hope he will be okay with calling them his siblings. Whomever it is that i end up with will have to be okay with it as well. That's going to be a big thing for me. If there is going to be a man or even a women i end up with, they will be able to accept that Sanai is a big part of my history and my life and i hope they will understand that. That is probably a lot to ask for to be honest. But i have a lot of baggage as it is, so I'm sure they will be able to handle the Nai and tone of my life. And me being me i will be willing to learn and accept that person for all of what they come with because if they are going to be it, i want all of them and everything that makes them them. 

Not me thinking about Abe again. I can't keep doing that. It's been kind of hard honestly. I don't want to like forget about him completely...i still feel what i felt for him. I have never felt those feelings for another grown person before. So i want to be able to keep that in my mind. Plus he is a good person and i do believe that he is worthy of love and so many other things, but i guess he wasn't worthy of my specific love. Hell maybe he wasn't ready for my specific love either. But i hope he's doing okay, and i hope that he doesn't think I'm like an obsessed freak with him. I can't lie...i was falling in love with him, i was falling in love with Abe. And i hope that i will be able to forget about him in a sense. Enough to be able to free my mind enough so that i can love whomever it is that is ready and worthy of my love and my heart and my story. When that day come the universe will know when that is and i will be so fucking ready. Lets be real here, there isn't anything that's ever been set in stone, there's no such thing as a perfect love because most of the time the lovers are opposites with similarities. That's what makes it the most interesting. Getting used to the things that would originally be so far off your radar that it intrigues you and you want to learn and do more just because this one individual is interested. For the time being i know my value, i always sort of have, it just takes time to fully see that worth. When the time comes...i will be ready as will they. I love thinking about my future and my potential love life that will be. I don't like to say could be either, i like to say that it WILL be. The manifestation powers only work if truly believe it and speak upon it as if it is already in the distance. 

I will have the Family that i can call my own. I will have the significant other that will reflect the love that i share. I will have the home that is truly meant for me and my family. And i will have the life that i am worthy for. I will never let anyone tell me that i am not good enough and i will love myself now and forever.