Perspective

Part 20

Today was a pretty decent day suffice to say. Like it wasn't really bad at all. Probably like a 8 of good days. its currently almost 3am. I'm usually not up this late these days, but i had gotten home from work and took a late nap. I didn't even wake back up until like 8 or something. the work day itself was pretty chill. There was honestly a lot of truck this morning so we did have a lot to do. And damn Grant made us late clocking in. But to be fair i guess you can say it's not his fault. Like i wanna be mad at him for it but at the same time i get it. He has a his hearing problem so like he cant hear a alarm in the morning, so his wife usually gets him up. And these days their baby wakes up around 5am and she didn't wake up till 6...which is when we where to be at the store. I mean i was there...waiting outside. I don't have a car so I'm just sitting outside waiting on this fuck. But then he explained it an i wanted to b mad but like i just felt bad for getting annoyed with him. But i told him that he was going to fix my clock in time, i wasn't being clocked in late because he was late. Vanessa came in at 6 too which she usually doesn't she generally comes in at 7:30. So that was a little surprise. And this guy that's helping at the store for a few days came in at like 7 i think. He ended up working on cooler inside and i did outside and meat. there was a shit ton of meat to be honest, but we were also out of a lot prior. But i ran curbside when we opened and just kind of went about the rest of the day. It was a good day though honestly. Very calm.

 I came home and like ate a bit and cleaned up a little then took that nap. I really didn't want to sleep too long but i did for sure. But i was laying there after and i had gotten to thinking about stuff...it was weird. Because i sometimes do this thing where like ill be sitting there and my brain goes to a negative space and ill stop myself and start breathing. I have to try to clear my head before it goes too bad. Like it usually starts with like that lonely type thoughts. Ill be on the verge of being sad almost but it's like i guess i sometimes don't value the alone quality that i have for myself. Then i work on my breathing exercises and i will tend to recognize the beauty in the silence and the love i do have for myself and my own time. Yes there will be a time in the future when i am surrounded by my own family and ones i love, but right now i have to take care of myself and value myself. There isn't honestly a person in the world that most likely won't understand me. And yes i question myself from time to time but like i understand me and i do feel like it is harder to explain myself to a lot of people. I have that certain thought process and those qualities in me that are rare and so unique that a lot of people won't get it and won't even want to try to get it. I feel like most people just like to see the positive side of me. Like when or if i get to talking about my internal problems it almost feels like they could care less you know. And that's fine though to me, i can usually decipher who is worthy enough to be able to see that side of me so most people do think I'm that goofy, crazy girl that they know. Majority of people don't know Chloe Danyell Ann, They just know who i want them to know and that is Chloe. If you know what I'm saying by this you know...I think this journal is the most realest i have ever been publicly, and that's kind of another reason i never promoted it. I don't advise everyone i know personally to read it because i don't think most of them could look at me the same after. It's literally where i just put what comes into my mind out. I like it though i do see it as therapeutic. Honestly i kind of didn't care if i even had people reading it, just because it was for me. I've just been impressed with the number of people reading going up daily and slowly. its neat. Now i do think whoever that's going to be with me will understand me a large quantity but for the most part they still won't know everything internally. I mean to be fair though, most people are that way too. Most people have those inner thoughts or feelings that they don't share with others even their significant other. You can share a lot, and they can know you, how you are feeling about a lot of things, and even how you react to certain things in very specific ways. And i want that, the person who's going to anticipate what i do before i do it just because they know me and love me that much. I guarantee I'll  be doing the same thing. I am a observer. I stay watching people. That sounds weird, but like i do do that. I think i do that with everyone, even people that I'm not even fond of. I think that has been a intricate detail about how i learn and how i adapt to my surroundings. By watching and paying attention to everything and everyone it allows you to read people and it helps you sense that negative before others. That's the key. I know i talked about that last time, but that's where it stems from. Observing and learning. It also helps you be in the moment more and process the environment that you're in. Try it sometime.