Perspective

Part 28

I finally got to watch the Barbie movie. I liked it to be honest. I'm not sure what i expected but it wasn't that but i also liked it. *WARNING SPOILER* It was cool because they incorporated that 3rd wall and they made the real world vs the barbie world collide. i liked that. I also liked how at the end Ken was confused on who he was without Barbie and she basically had to convince him that he needs to find himself and then it turned out Barbie herself had been everything but human and that's all she wanted to be was to...live if you will. Being able to recognize that feelings and the chaos that is life. Sometimes there is pain and sometimes there is joy but it's all apart of being human. And she wanted to be able to do that. I love that. She experienced what we all have grown up with and she experienced it all at once and realized that that was better then the perfect life that was her barbie world. Even all the Barbies wanted to allow different things be in the new world that they would be creating because it obviously wasn't working for everybody before. As i was watching it she even mentioned to Ken that it was okay to cry. that she had done it and it felt kind of good. I loved that because i got it. It does feel good to feel sometimes. You can't constantly repress every single feeling because there will be a moment when it implodes and it can be too messy for your own good. 

i feel like these days i don't feel what i used to. Like for a long time i let too many things bother me and i would simply just get upset or even cry about certain situations that where out of my own control. I now feel like i hated the amount i felt during that time...well really most my life I've been like that. I don't get like that anymore. Now i am still not sure if it's because of my internal healing that I've been able to accomplish or what but i don't get too emotional anymore. Like it's not something that I can't control anymore. I will have to remind myself occasionally to not get too upset over certain  things that aren't even things to really be too upset over. It doesn't happen as often anymore. But when it does, i tell myself to close my eyes, and breathe. That generally does the trick but i will also expel some words that are "expressive" if you will about the situation. By that i mean cussing about the situation, i will in fact just bitch to relieve myself about it. Like i said it's not nearly what it used to be, and I'm proud of that small tad bit of progress. I hope that i can be at a point some day where i don't even have to do that, but i do have a feeling that's yet another one of those human things that we have to deal with. I do like having feelings though. I think having strong feelings helps you understand other people and helps you see things better i think from different point of views. 

I think having small hobbies are a little important. Something over than video games. It's not necessarily a easy thing to do if you've never done anything. But you kind of have to put yourself out there to be able to want to learn new little things even if it may seem silly to other people. I like coloring and paining and honestly casting is a hobby of mine. I enjoy hiking and camping as well but as an adult i haven't really gotten the chance to really do it. Maybe a few times but not as much as I'd like. Small hobbies can teach you patience and give you a sort of wholeness. And if you enjoy it enough you know you could take that hobby as a career. That's literally how some artist come about. I really like taking photo's and the best one i take are out in nature when i am hiking. I've always been one with nature so being able to be in it and take nice photos makes me so happy. The thing about photography is the best photos sometimes take time to get. That makes you a bit more prideful in the photo's. 

 I sometimes wish i did live in the country so i could go hiking whenever i want, its not the same when you live in the city. Now the city is interesting and there is a lot going on sometimes...but the country side or like middle city country is the best because you can see beauty and nature whenever you want. I sometimes like to go on walks but it's just not the same and that sucks. Especially where i live, it's what some people would consider "the ghetto", so it's like not in the best shape. The way most of the roads are cracked and the potholes are insane, and a lot of homes are in rough shape. There has often been people that are in the area that are homeless or just simply look homeless because they're dirty individuals. Crime is actually pretty high in this area as well. I used to say that it didn't bother me, but it does seem to get worse and worse as time is going on and nothing is changing really. I want to move eventually, maybe in the next year or so, but unfortunately i have said that before and nothing ever came about it. I have that tendency to get comfortable and not want to change. But i don't want that anymore, i have been changing and soon my environment has to change. It is far to negative for someone to be able to  thrive here. I do understand how a lot of people get trapped here, it makes sense to me unfortunately. It is hard to push yourself to doing some things and getting out of the place that you're used to. I know that it does take some people longer to "leave the nest" so to speak, but i have to. I'm still not sure when it will happen but i need it to. It will. I just have to manifest it and work on it. I've been able to get myself to a nice place currently and i will keep going until i have the life that i want and deserve. 

You know I've thought about death before, in many ways. What comes after. What might happen to cause it. And if i should be afraid of it. The only thing that really gets me over it is the fact that it's going to hurt the ones I love and the ones that love me more than it scares me of the after thought. What happens to you after you die shouldn't scare you or concern you. That part of the reason i never really wanted to rely on the heaven or hell aspect of religion. We really can't anticipate anything as people so why have we been put in that position where we must do this or we must do that to keep ourselves from going to said Hell. No. I don't think that should be it. We should be able to live our lives how we want. Yes there are bad ways to live your life, negative ways, but those are generally there for a reason. I know i sound like a broken record but negative thing can be good things in disguise. Put in place for a reason. i know some people might think I'm crazy for all the things i talk about. But when you die, that's the only way you'll get to really know the truth. You can be upset that i talk about the negatives as good things, but i will really stand by it, you don't know the true intentions of the things that happen day to day. Hell you don't even know why the past happened the way it did, nor what is in store for the future. It's a never ending life is. Some people die young. Some people die old as shit. You can never actually know if someone is going to die or not. Some people thrive after being inches away from death...and then some don't. It is something i know a lot of people don't want to think about either. As you as an individual get older, death is more common. You know there's the Pinot lady at the store. She was talking about that one day. She's lost both her parents, her best friend, her brother. Just so many people. And it's common for those people to question so many things about life and what they've accomplished up until this point until it's the next person to die...and maybe it's them. But life gets so hard that i know that loosing loved ones is hard within itself. Unfortunately you can't let those things get you too far down, you could die of a broken heart. And that is true, it's been proven that people can die of broken hearts. Sometimes it happens by other bodily problems, but the heart can just stop working resulting in a broken heart , or medically the Broken Heart Syndrome they call it. the human body is truly amazing. They find new things out about it every day and the medical field grows more and more with the advances that they have come up with.

You know the human body is so amazing that it's amazing still after death. The way that it slowly decomposes in the ground when it's buried and goes back into the earth is crazy. I'm going to explain how the body works after death if you don't know. So basically, it starts within 4 minutes after a human has died. Everything in the body starts to shut down, called Autolysis, the whole internal system starts shutting down. Riga mortis starts to occur as well resulting in stiffening of the body. Next is bloating of the body. The internal gases that are shutting down release gases in the body that can cause it to sometimes double in size and sometimes insects will start to appear at this point. This is also when a awful smell starts to occur called putrefaction, caused by microorganisms and bacteria. Active decay is next. With all of the non oxygenated body parts they start liquifying; skin, muscles and organs. Blood mixed with a foam starts coming from the mouth and ears. The bones, hair and cartilage are the reminders at this point, and has lost most of its mass. Next is skeletonization, the decomposition rate is based upon loos of organic collagen and inorganic opponents the time frame for it isn't usually set. Most bodies take 1 month to liquify fully then the as i said the bones vary. It is a wild concept, the body turning into such a mess after it's death. You'll know they keep bodies in the morgue and that's because the cold can hold off the process known as the taphonomonic factors. There are many of these that can change the speed of witch the body will decay. I did know quite a bit of this information, i didn't know the official terms for it all i definitely was looking it up. But i wanted to share it because people have nor problem talking about what happens in life...i thought talking about what happens after life that is scientifically proven things would be cool. Also a bit informative if you didn't know it before now you do. When i was in like 10th grade, we watched a video in English class of a time laps of a body decomposing. It was always something that i remembered because it was wild. We had watched it because the book we were reading at the time had something to do with decomposing and the teacher i had wanted us to see it. Some kids i remember were like so disgusted with it, but it was something that's kind of always stuck with me. Not just because you know, it's a dead fucking body that's rotting away at a fast speed. But the way it was in the video, they had it underground somehow and after the body had done all of the gruesome things...the ground around it was still growing. And the placement above it had grown back entirely. Life is going to go on from you after you are long gone. That was what i learned i think. Life is everlasting. What you do with your time here is up to you. Don't worry about what comes after, because if you want it to or not life continues. Enjoy it while you can and try not to over think too much you know.