Perspective

Part 39

Do you ever think about how when people compliment you in certain ways that it doesn't actually mean anything. Like if you think about it, they are usually complimenting the thing that strikes their interest. Not something that is a good feature for you as a individual. I mean even if it is, it doesn't matter. Because from what other people say and how other people talk to you about your appearance or a thing that is physical, none of it is actually relevant. There are people, from your own perspective, that walk around wearing and looking like anything. They could look like they just rolled out of bed after being in bed for 3 days and still not give a single fuck what other people think of their appearance. Or at least they don't seen to let people know that. It's weird because you don't really know what's going on in their heads. But the fact that some people walk around outside of their homes in any clothes, in any state, smelling like anything is crazy. But then those are also some of the same people that smell like anything that all times. I don't know if it's because they don't care about themselves, or if its because they just don't care about how other people see them. But even those people still find a way of getting the attention of people and like finding people to love them or even just sexualize them. 

I've referred to some people as Casey people. And that's because there is the kind just like what i just described. People that smell like bad all the time. Wear ripped clothes because they are too busy buying drugs or food instead of clothing. Or they are just simply so broke they actually can't afford it anyways. But a lot of the time the people like that are like extremely lazy and lack motivation to do anything that may seem like a lot of physical work. Or they have mental issues that restrain them from wanting to go and do things or be around other people. It's such a wide spectrum. It's hard to pin point it with a lot of people too. Especially for like strangers. People you don't know personally. People you don't know their patterns. A lot of the time they lack being able to shower, to take care of themselves some can barely eat because they don't feel like they can and they don't know how to get themselves to do it. 

When i was severely depressed my house was falling apart. I didn't attend to my cats the way i should have. I honestly shouldn't have even had them at the time. I thought it might have made me feel less lonely or something. But then again at that time, io think i just like WANTED to seem like i had my shit together. But i never actually did until recently. And i think that's because of my BPD. i think i had it for so long that i really didn't think much for myself, i didn't know how to actually control my own life. I mainly did what others told me i should have done. It's sad bro. Because i didn't really even think about it until recently either. When i was in that state, i didn't take care of anything in a regular manor at all. I think also being heavier into drinking and into weed, it made a impact. I wouldn't have motivation for anything. Even in personal care. These days, i made myself do a lot of things even if i am tired. I used to say i was tired so i couldn't do things. I would let the cats honestly spray on anything and not even bother to clean it until further time then necessary. I would lack in doing dishes, or trash or vacuuming. A lot of shit. 

Now i like to say how proud i am of myself because i do realize that things need to be done even if i don't WANT to do them. And i won't allow myself to get sucked up by the negative thoughts. I might have a bad thought from time to time in the mornings but then i must remind myself that life isn't what I'm dreading of it. I have to work on the life i want if i really want it. I have to go forward and not dwell on past life. And that kind of circles back to what i was originally talking about. I think most people have mental issues that are unaddressed. They don't feel the need to take care of themselves because life isn't worth taking care of. Growing up with the people in my life that are in the world of that negativity thought. That it's not really worth making the best of. I think that some people might think that sometimes, but to most of them they do everything for other people. A lot of the time it's for their kids. They don't want to do shit for them and their internal life. A lot of people seem to get a point where they are simply content with it all. And i don't want to be there. I want to get out of the rut that is the current life that I've been in for so long. And guess what. I am in fact working on that. It's not a easy thing to do when you have been through the shit that i have, mentally and physically. I have talked to my therapist about a lot of shit, and i said i didn't want to be medicated. And i don't. I think I've been too medicated for my own good. I want to live life as it is. I don't want to put toxins in my body. If in the future i do feel like i want more help then just talks or this. This is a good form of the personal therapy for me, but if i feel like the two aren't enough and i start to go dark again...i might...i might just ask about medication. See what Krysten can do for me, what she might think is a good idea. I also just want to see where life goes for now. I do feel some pressure from loved ones, and for the amount of attention i have been lacking giving out...but i kind of want to love me. Show me love. I want my time to myself. And i also need to know how much i can be alone. 

There's a lot of things that are inside a persons mind that are hard to put into words that way other people can understand you or understand what you're thinking about. And to the people that have never been through anything remotely similar, you might seen crazy and deranged. Not knowing how to talk to people is a hard problem when you want to get help, but you can't. You feel like the world doesn't give a shit about you. You feel like your insides are just crushing you from the inside out. Pressing on the brain, probing your emotions, blocking your internal real voice and filling it with the worst possible things that person can think of. I remember when i was really bad back in high school, i was living in the place we call a storage unit, and i wanted to die every day. That was a period of time that i didn't want to be alone, but also i wanted to be alone so i could die in my own space. I remember thinking about running into the traffic that i could hear outside. I would be laying in bed and with each car that thought would get worse and worse you know. But the thought of letting my mom down and being a bigger burden then Casey would be a worse fate. So i would be curled up, crying...crying until my stomach ached. Thinking about how i wasn't anything. That i was disgusting and just useless. I had fucked everything up at that point in my life. But i was also just a kid. It makes me a little sad for her...for young me. Young Chloe really just felt so misplaced in the world. The fact that i have been able to realize how much i do love myself now. How much my personal time is so fucking valuable. Being alone right now makes me happy. I don't think my anxiety plays a role in it anymore. I don't think i am a mistake anymore. I used to think that a lot as well. I used to think that i was trash. I would never be able to amount to anything in life. And for a long time i continued feeling that way, but i had gotten mostly numb to it. When i was alone in that time i would also cry a lot. I think i would cry waking up and going to sleep. I think there was a large portion of my life i don't remember a lot of. It could have been the drugs and alcohol, or it's my brain blocking a lot of that time because i don't feel the need to recognize the shitty feelings i had. But actually this is the most I've recognized it all. I think i need to think about that shit more. And realize how far I've come. 

Rue made a good point. She just said, "I didn't think I'd make it this far in life. I've always had this overwhelming feeling that something bad would happen." And i think that's exactly what i would think for a long time. I want a future i want a family, i want to be able to not worry about my money because I'll be making a good amount. I want things now...and for a long time i don't think i had that. I believed that i was just hoping to see the next day and i would do so miserably. I was fucked up. I wasn't mentally there. I don't know if it was the universe and witchcraft that's actually saved me, or if it's actually me that saved myself. But no one else did it really. I got myself here. I mean I've always gotten myself to the next day. But my thing now is i will help myself go farther than i could have ever anticipated. 

I want to congratulate myself. Sixteen year old Chlo'e was a very scared girl. She would never had admitted it. She actually used to say nothing scared her. But The truth is everything scared her. But she always felt like she had to put up a front when people where around. I mean i still do that occasionally. But now depending on the environment, i will let how I'm feeling be know, but subtly. She would have let it build up inside her and explode later on either in solitude or in front of people in the worst way possible. It used to come out in anger. A lot of anger. She always felt like she was never going to amount to anything and she was going to be garbage her whole life. But little did she know that she actually was the prize the whole time. She just had to figure it out. You know people talk about if you could write a letter to your younger self what would you say. But honestly there isn't hardly any amount of words that could tell young chloe that it was actually going to be okay and that she just had to give it time. I mean i guarantee that some people told her that but it didn't mean anything because she was ill. She needed help...but first she has to want to help herself. She is, always has been and always will be a strong person. I wish i could tell me how much i love me and that i am worth everything in the world. It's okay that she doesn't know why she hasn't found love because she just has to let the universe do it's thing. She is everything...and she will know it one day. I'd tell her to keep her mind open and she will be able to do anything. 

Chloe is everything. She is the world. Her heart is as pure as they come, don't let anyone even those negative thoughts lead you astray. Stay strong love.