Perspective

Part 8

Giving yourself small gifts or little things to look forward to are important. And i didn't realize how much that proves itself true to me. Today for example i went and gotten a money order to pay my rent and went shopping for a few essentials like hygiene projects and things for laundry and a few things for the kitties. And when i got home i cleaned a bit, i ended up cleaning more then i expected as well. And i rewarded myself for doing some daily chores with some food. Now that doesn't really seem like a big deal to most people but for me food is so precious. I mean it's been my safeguard since i was a kid. Something i knew would be there and would generally fill me with joy as i consumed it. And i don't really eat fast food like i used to, and i had been thinking about McDonalds a lot and i gave myself that as a reward of taking care of things that i needed to do by myself. I've been proud of myself in doing things independently. Its hard for my anxiety to do the things. But i will be talking to myself in my mind when I'm out in public that way i can get through it calmly and steadily. I don't really like shopping unless i have a list because i feel lost and a little overwhelmed sometimes. Lists are helpful in various ways for me. I will internally tell myself where to go, but i have to remind myself i can also take my time and deciding what i want. When i look at shampoo and conditioner, i like to switch between a few different ones  and i will decide which one i like the smell of more or which one i haven't used in a while. It kind of goes similar for tooth paste, and soap and other things. But I don't really like grocery shopping much just simply because it's a lot of variety in things unless i have a list for myself yet again. I think that me doing these things for myself, all by myself, is allowing me to get better but i also still would prefer the company of another person that i trust. I think my next appointment with my therapist i want to ask her about it because i don't understand why i do this and it has to be done in a certain way. 

I also find myself looking around a lot, like being really cautious of the people in the store and everything surrounding me. I'm not sure if that's because I'm anxious or if that's because i feel like there's going to be something bad or if even it's just me being perceptive of what's going on around me. I don't really like being on my phone in public either, it kind of throws me off, like i can feel myself not being aware of my surrounding and i don't like that. To be fair I'm hardly on my phone these days merely because i feel like it is very toxic if you're on it too much. It does worry me how most of society is obsessed with the internet and all of the wonders it has upon it. Especially young people. Some of the closest people i love are too indulged in the world that is social media. Celeste, Romeo, Tone, Sanai, even Gino at this point. It's bad how much into it young people are. It pulls them away from the real world too much i think. Sometimes its cool and relaxing, but honestly if there's too much screen time like that i think it's bad for the brain. There was a long period of time i would be on the phone a lot as well, but i kind of chose to stop being on my phone since I've been in the process of getting back to being myself and i think that has helped as well. You know As a teenager i loved learning how to navigate the internet and watching the new videos and memes and vines, so in a sense i understand why they like it. But...there's something about too much of a good thing that is true. In this case social media is the good thing. There is so many positives, the capability to find anything, do anything in so many ways. But if you're on it too long you can get sucked in and forget to enjoy the reality and time that is. 

I'm learning to enjoy my current time. Making plans for the future tends to not work out too awful well for me because sometimes i set my expectations far too high. But at the same time i really would like to keep working on that and see myself follow through on certain things. The unexpected is fabulous, and i tend to enjoy things more. Emma and i have learned that. We always do seem to find the good of every situation. I love that about her. She and i are always finding the best of situations. There was a time we took a road trip to a southern part of the state to go to a casino. And mind you my birthday is in June, Gemini gang here, and it was so hot that summer and Emma didn't have air in her car. So we where sweating profusely in that car driving far as hell to go to a casino, but it turned for the worse because i kind of screwed the pooch on that one because my ID was expired. Actually to be honest, it still is today. I haven't renewed it or tried to get a new permit in so long, i think it expired in 2020 or something. I tend to forget about it because it's not top priority in my mind. But as of today, I'm going to make sure i go do it. I have to. If i really want to grow up and feel better about myself in that stance, i have to get my permit again and this time when i do I will get my license. But because i let my permit be expired for so long we couldn't get into the casino. So me and her really made the best of situation. We found a hotel in the area, got some alcohol and got wasted. in the hotel. And then on the way back the next day we had stopped at one place and i took some really nice pictures then we stopped at this winery that was actually not far from where we live and enjoyed that. Later on in the day we went and got tattoos. So yes we will make the best out of any situation. I miss my Emma. I was seeing her everyday at one point. Mind you, she crashed on my couch for a while too. She's always been by my side through thick and thin and I'll never be able to ACTUALLY repay her for the amount of time and love she's given me. I feel like i also tend to not appreciate people as much until they aren't around anymore or as much. I think most people have that issue too. I think i be in my own brain and thoughts too much and i do try to thrive in the moment but i don't think I've ever really care about cherishing the moment with a person until it came to Abe. 

YES I'm bringing him up again. But i think with him it was the day he asked bout that ring i was wearing. It honestly sparked something in me and i just got hooked. So more often then not i think of him or things remind me of him. Ugh Abe, that beautiful soul. But every moment i have spent with him, even if it was small...i tend to want to remember it and care about it more deeply then i have with anyone else. Apart from the fact that he is out and about living a life that i don't get to know about, i think that's a portion of my curiosity of him, i feel like when i was with him i knew he'd be leaving at the end of our interaction. I miss him...i do so much. Actually, Alison knows that i like Abe and yesterday she told me she seen someone at Costco. By the way i had to have that autocorrected, you can tell i don't shop there. But any guesses to who that might be? DING DING DING, it's Abe. oof i almost called him by his last name on here and i shan't not do that. Actually she approached me with it, she said, "i seen your man" and i was like oh my god no way she said that. So i had asked what they said to each other and it was stuff i kind of already knew simply because of what he had told me last time i seen him. But she said he was with some girl. And apart of me was honestly super concerned the she described the girl as short with dark hair and fair skin, i realized that it was his sister. He's always with her as far as i know. His sister seems to be his best friend. He has never said that to me but that's basically it. He has brothers too, but he has the one sister and he even lives with her as roommates. I admire that. To stay close with his sister because its who he is most comfortable with. Fuck he's just so cute. His entirety is so attractive to me. But when she said he was with a girl i had to make sure it wasn't a GIRL type girl. And when i say this you might think I'm weird or whatever, but when i get new coworkers i often will try to find them on social media and just look them over a bit. So when Abe came around i did the same. And i had found his mom's page too and found a cute family photo of him, his siblings and his parents. And i went and found that picture again just reassure myself it wasn't a female he was dating or anything and i was right. I honestly hate how relieved i was, that just proved how jealous i can be and how hung up on this man that i am. Ugh Abe oh my god. God i just get to talking about him and thinking about him its ridiculous. Seriously. I must derail from him because i feel like it's far less interesting to other people at how interested i am in the man that doesn't seem interested in me. 

I do have to be up early tomorrow. It's not super late right now, but it's making its way there if i have to awake at fucking 4am. I want to take some melatonin to help myself fall asleep that way I'm not exhausted. I do believe i will be taking on some more manager tasks, this time it will be the morning shift duties. Varying counting the safe and setting up the store for the day and putting out (or throwing as we call it) the produce for the morning. Vanessa i feel like was putting it off for me because, and in her words, "its a lot of stuff to do so early in the morning." But the thing about me is that if i am going have myself get up and get to work, i can do it if i make myself. I internally want to do it, it will get done. I feel like that's how most people are though. Doesn't that phrase go, "you can do anything you put your mind to" is straight facts. Jesus i really have become one of those people that live off of quotes and preverbs. How cliche of me. I don't care i like them. They're just relatable and they speak facts in simple words. Plus it's ways you can understand what I'm saying without and actual explanation. I love how my mind and my world is ever expanding. Let yourself do the same if you don't already i promise you are worth it and life is worth it. Goodnight