Perspective

Part 36

I think i put too much doubt on myself and my capabilities sometimes. Or i just over think the situation because most of the time at the end of the day i was able to get through it and do good.  Today i was shown a few new things that I've been needing to learn when doing a solo manager shift. And it was simple things, also things i already knew that i was going to have to do. But in the moment i was almost feeling overwhelmed. I want to say i second guess myself but i will also like just like to really be sure I'm doing things correctly. But i breathed a bit after a minute and realized i knew what i was doing. Sometimes i will have to physically tell myself that i can do this, it's not much new stuff, but it's also what I've been working on getting anyways. I think that for a while i was getting discouraged in being a manger because i wasn't actually getting it so my brain was working on going back to being a regular ass associate. But it is getting more real now. I can even do key turns (manager approval) at the registers. I'm getting like codes and things for the safe and for the computer work. It's cool. I'm learning the things i need to for the ability of doing the job at my best. I really want to show that i am capable of being a profession of a sort. It does make me feel good when people look up to me, or like they want to ask me for what to do. It makes me put my brain on something and make a decision. I've struggled with that so much in my life. Letting other people tell me what to do, following what other people say. I need to take my life into my own hands and help other people along the way as much as i can. 

Growing up...i let my mother tell me what things where good to eat, or i had to live a certain way. I think that it's possible that it may have to do with having one parent. I say that because having just my mom and not a father in my life, there was just the one adult in the home that gave me views on life, and how she see's things, does things, eat, drink, and simply just live. So there's like many things in my life i thought where just normal until i got into other people's lives and seen that things aren't what i thought they where going to be. I feel like if i had another parent in the home growing up i would have been able to see how he likes things and lives. I really want to be able to put my child/children in a environment where they can see things that are different and experience a life that isn't just what i like or what i want. I think apart of those things growing up did have to do with my mom's mind set as well, but if i had had a coparent in the home there's a possibility that i could have been differently.

 For example, clothing. In my teenage years, i would dress similar to how my mom dresses, because i thought that that's what i liked. It's what i knew, it's what i was mostly familiar with. My mom wasn't going to give any push back because she liked that she was able to get me clothes that she likes and that she knew i would wear. As i got outside of the home and seen things differently, i sort of branched out into the world and started to find my own style, clothes that I liked, and I thought was cute. I think my style is more suitable to my unique personality. I've said that i think i am unique but also relatable for people in many ways, and i think i kind of show that through my clothes and the way that i look. I just kind of hate that i feel like i would have been different at a earlier age but due to my mom being in control of a lot of things, i didn't think (or at least i was almost brain washed into thinking) that what my mom liked is what i was supposed to like. 

I even eat food or drink things that I think are really good and my mom doesn't like. But because she doesn't like them i wasn't shown them much when i was a child. Coffee for instance. My mom legit says to me when i am either drinking coffee or mention that i want some that she, "just can't believe my kids drink coffee." That's so weird. That a weird thing to even think like, just because you don't like it, or had it in the home makes it just Ludacris that we have a like in something that she doesn't. I think that alone kind of shows how her brain thinks and how she works mentally. I like peach things, and coconut things and my mom is disgusted when I have anything of the sort. I have been expanding my pallet so much because i dare to try new things, new flavors and new foods. I just don't understand how it's possible that a person is confused as to why their child has opposite interests then them. I mean...isn't that how life goes. You raise your child, they grow, learn new things, find new interest, and move on with their life to form their own life and world. Yes of course that is your child and they will still be in your life, but to a certain extant it's okay that they won't be around ALL the time. 

When i was at Maria's house recently, there was a situation that occurred with Tone's birth father. So Maria has 3 baby daddies. And i feel like people hear that and judged very quickly. But the thing is, she had full relationships with them, and like the age gap between the kids with different fathers is long periods of time. Lets put it this way, Kai is 7 years older than tone, and tone is 5 years older than the twins, Gino has the same father as the twins and he is 7 years younger than the twins. So it's a whole thing. But tone has...some contact with his birth father. He only came into his life like really "interested" in him like 2 or 3 years ago. So tone has went most of his life without his dad. That within itself is already a lot you know. And he's had Marcelo as his father figure in his life...which is also a lot because him not being his birth father he definitely treats him differently. It's some bullshit. But that's another story within itself. 

If you can't tell, my buddy tone needs therapy because he's fucked up in various ways. When i was at maria's, Tones dad was basically sending these voice messages to Maria saying that her and Tone don't fuck with him and that they need to reach out more and that they ignore him and all this bullshit. But none of that is true, I have personally seen tone trying to reach out to his dad and Maria reaching out. Tone got to go to Florida and see his dad the fall of like 22 i think and he had a amazing time. But like every since then he has not seen him again. And he was really excited to see his dad and for him to be in his life. He would call him or text him or whatever and then his dad was like being flakey to him. And in more recent months his dad hardly even tries to talk to him. But he's over here saying that tone "don't mess with him an that's fine". Like he really said some fucked up shit about tone and Maria. The reason i have brought this all up though was because when i was talking about kids having a co-parent in the house this is something you can look at. 

You see in Maria's house, there really isn't another parent. Marcelo really only comes home to eat or sleep or have Maria do his fucking laundry. He complains most of the time about the kids in the house and that the house might be even a little dirty...he expects to be treated like a fucking king in that house. I always helped out in the house and helped take care of the kids. I was kind of co-parenting when i was there. I mean I'm pretty sure that I changed more of Gino's diapers than he did. It makes me feel so bad for the kids because as they have gotten older they realize that he isn't there and that he is a shitty dad. Poor tone legit said, "i know Marcelo is a shitty dad. He treats me different than the others." I told him i was sorry that he didn't have a dad like that. We are the same in that situation. But that's just it...i don't want the kid/kids that come from me to have to EVER deal with anything even remotely like that. I also think that's another reason i have never dated or fucked around and slept around. I'm not trying to get pregnant by just anybody. And i firmly believe that my body and my mind is only for the worthy. Having a person that has a pure mind set, and the humor that you have and even the capability to be open minded is really important to me. Being able to let my kid see that not everything is just simply black and white, but on the rare occasion that maybe it even is, that's something that not hardly anyone will be able to comprehend. 

I'm rambling today, my brain is all over the place with type of topic. 

You know, knowing that i am personally capable of growing and changing all the time is really inspiring to myself. I say that because there is so many people in this world that are persistent on the fact that people can't change and things have to be one way. That isn't always the case. There are so many variable in so many things that can change a subject or person. For me i do think that is possible that if things where to continue in a certain way, a person can be also trapped in that mindset. Being afraid of new things is a good thing I've been learning. I had a similar conversation with April at work but it made me think about how that certain people really are too reluctant to any type of change. I was talking to her about this chicken salad that we sell at work and she had said, "new things like that scare me. I've never been able to try new foods like that." And it got me thinking. There are people that are just far too scared to want to change anything about their life that it makes them close minded. Most people in society today seem to be this way. Being me, and the way that i am, i have always wanted to do new things but i was afraid. It wasn't until i accepted that change is a scary thing but a good scary, i feel like i was far too susceptible for change. But now, i have to pep talk myself a bit sometimes, but the change is a good thing. Good fear. Being a person with the amount of anxiety i had developed as a child/ young adult, it does impress me how I've been able to open and expand my brain and my life. I will continue to grow and continue to open up to not only other people and my surroundings, but myself. IF you can't be real with yourself and how you feel about things, what truly is apart of you and what is real fear of yours, it will be tremendously harder for you to open in other ways. Live, learn, grow, repeat.