Perspective

Part 18

It's weird, it almost feels like i haven't written in a while or something. Like it's really only been 1 day, but it feels so log honestly. Sunday was just absolutely one of the busiest days for me. Like i was on curbside for the day per usual, but we legit had the most orders id ever had. On a regular day we do like 10-15 orders and Sundays are usually busier and there can be up to like 17-18 orders and they're all usually big as fuck because its the start of a new week and people are shopping for the week you know. But This Sunday there was 25 orders, and they where all big to be honest. It was a long ass day. Because you know you have to run literally back and forth from the staging area to where you left off shopping for the other order that you where working on prior. It was wild. We didn't even clock out till 10pm, and i went in at 11am, so a 11 hour shift there is wild. Oh by the way Ashley did in fact quit. We all kind of knew that was going to happen though, so I'm not surprised. That don't bother me personally though, she was legit the worst like seriously. I also ended up picking up one of Gabby's shifts on Wednesday and I'll be doing another Clopen, where you close the night before then open in the morning. Some keep saying I'm crazy for allowing myself to do it, but I don't mind it. I really do like working. A certain part of me is ashamed of that but at the same time i don't care. Also tonight was a decent night, but also long as fuck. But It was me, Brian and Diamond. And like when i tell you i really am going to miss Brian man i mean it for real. We just be going back and forth literally all day long just passive aggressive for literally no reason. We be hostile as fuck but like in a way where its mutual and we almost enjoy it. After we clocked out tonight, we were in the break room and just me and Brian where mocking the fuck out of Diamond and it was so funny to the point where i was crying and BRIAN was even crying laughing. It was the best dude. I haven't laughed that hard in a while man. He did say he was going to miss working with us both. And Diamond was like, ugh i told you that i was going to miss you and he's like all, "yeah but you know i forget." What a goofy bitch. He's so annoying but its hilarious. We also met a new guy that's like a manager in training or something, and he like...i don't know how i feel about him yet. I have had a bad habit of judging people before i get to know the, but i was sort of getting the vibe maybe he wasn't feeling it there or something, but then apparently he told Vanessa that he likes the Vibe of our store and would legit even want to transfer if possible. That's wild. See, you should never judge a book by it's cover, because what's inside might surprise you. Maybe he'll be cool or something, we'll see. 

Dude i legit have this weird little pimple that's legit in the crease of the bottom part of my nose where it curves at the corner of the nostril you know. But why the fuck do i have one on both sides in the same spot. I don't really know where they came from because i don't get back acne often. But i am coming off of my period so most likely it is that. It's just weird I was sitting here and i itched the side of my nose and i felt it its almost a bit sore too. Those are the worst. But these days my whole body be a bit sore from work. Actually there is random ass bruises on me in random spots, or like my feet be sore, maybe even my shoulders when i rub them are just tense to be honest. I've never been to chiropractor but i probably should look into it. Especially with my spine and shit. Like i might have mentioned it before but i have arthritis in my spine and that itself makes my lower back hurt like a bitch sometimes. 

I think when i think about certain things and i know i can't have them i want them more. It's wild to me too, and ugh there something that i don't want to admit to myself yet so i won't even say it on here but like there something that I'm starting to want and i legit can't have and i won't be able to have either and if there is a development on it there is, but for right now it's kind of just pondering on my mind. Ugh also i don't know if anyone has noticed but i have sort of stopped talking about Abe....fucking Abe...there is a reason for that. I did send that funny Valentines meme and a small message on Valentines, and to be honest i think he didn't like it so much that he legit is going to avoid responding to me at this point. I don't know i feel like i kind of screwed myself a little and put myself out there too much seeming like annoying and clingy or something to him. So I'm actually trying on working on not thinking about him as much or not talking about him as much because i kind of got too into thinking about someone who doesn't deserve it. Like i really did want him...but he didn't want me...so like i have to understand that it doesn't go both ways often. And yeah it sucks, but like there's not much i can do about that. All i can do is hope that maybe he finds someone who he can be with and he is happy in his life and such, and that i will find my one and he will be worthy of my thoughts and my conversation you know. I do care too much sometimes and when it comes to connections with people is when it hits the hardest for me. It's hard for me when people come in, i get attached and they leave. And I'm really wanting to not let that be as big of a issues. Of course my heart being as big as it is, it's never a feature that's going to dissipate, but it does need to shrink a  bit or like be less intense you know. I think the day that i do find that one and realize that that's the person that i don't have to worry about loosing I'd be a bit better at not getting SO attached. 

 Does anyone else have sever attachment issues? Like it's a hard thing to deal with sometimes really. Especially if you're like me and work with a lot of people all the time. See new people come and go. Or even customers. It can be sometimes hard to like think about people in their entirety. Like Every single person you see everyday has their own life, and they have all these things going on in their life. I get worried sometimes because i do think about that stuff TOO much. I rang at the register most of the day today right, and that can be A LOT of customer interaction. And i don't mind it you know, but as a all day thing it can be draining. I mean i had over 200 people come through my line alone. That's over 200 people i had to speak with throughout the day you know. And sometimes i think about the people though if i am sitting there long enough. And then if you think about it's technically even more then that 200 something because people will come with their families; kids, wives, husbands, friends, grandparents, siblings, whomever it may be. If it's a single person you can wonder if they are just lonely or in a hurry and need a few things or if they just simply ended up at the store on their own that day. And we even have some families that come in that are regular groups of people. There's this one Hispanic family, they have this really old lady, a mother and father, a son and a daughter. And most of them don't speak English but the daughter. And she usually translates for them if what i need to say is something  i have yet to learn how to say in Spanish. But i can have a mild conversation with a lot of the Hispanic community if i need to. A lady complimented me today. She had told me in Spanish that i spoke very well in Spanish and that she liked that I've learned even a little bit. She started speaking in English and told me that her kids in the home speak mostly English and that she had started learning it for them. She was like, i do think it's hard learning another language and very helpful. I liked that she said that. I still want to expand my Spanish vocabulary because there is still a lot I'd like to be able to say or understand more of. Don't get me wrong i can understand a lot more than common English speaking people but I'd still like to know more. 

You know what's crazy, as a child, a lot of the people in my family or household would like honestly make fun of people that spoke another language. Or like i remember my mom saying very rudely, "it's so rude to not speak English." Or like if you spoke to someone that didn't speak English she would say something sarcastic and disrespectful about the fact that they didn't understand what you said in English. But like...sis if they said something to you in whatever language it is that you wouldn't understand them. I just feel like with that mindset you must feel some type of entitlement. It's honestly off-putting to me now as an adult and around people that don't understand me because i speak another language then them. Sometimes you just need to gesture to what needs to be done or said and most people can understand that, there's not a reason to belittle them. And that's what it seems like people that i grew up around have done. They don't try to see it from the other persons point of view at all. And sometimes when you're interacting with people, you have to realize that not everyone shares the same views and opinions. Every person has their own story, has their own problems, and it's something that most people forget about.

Now a lot of people think on instant reactions vs. intellectual reaction. It takes a lot of time to train yourself to be able to think about a situation before you react to it especially if you are in a situation where you have to react quickly. Most conscious minds are going to react on things based on how they have reacted to things in the past or how they are used to. But if you can allow yourself to ingest the environment that you are in, allow yourself to absorb what's around you, then think before you react to the situation at hand it can be easier for you to react appropriately. It's obviously easier said than done but most things like that are. The only problem with that type of thing is that most people don't concern themselves with others and what their personal lives so they do what they are most likely used to. Humanity has a lot of issues clearly, and unfortunately that is one of them. With the way that things go in most places it's not easy dealing with all kinds of people all day long. So when people even ask me about working at my job i simply tell them that it's not for everyone. I also think that most people in any type of management position needs to be trained in communication skill and empathic skills with people because there is often that people in higher positions tend to surpass how the common workers are doing on their own day to day lives. That's just something you know...some food for thought. 

I can't wait for my own family man...i know that's so off topic, but it's a side thought I just had. I think my babies are going to have the best life i can give them and I will do everything in my powder to make them feel like they are the whole world. And i can spare no thought, so i must show them that there is a world too that they will have to play a part in and that they must do what they can to make the world a better place...I love you my future babies...and i can't wait to see you and learn all about the beautiful soul and individual that you are.