Perspective

Part 37

I'm so fucking proud of myself! today was my first day off after working 6 days in a row, which is whatever i guess. But i went to the BMV and took the permit test and passed. Not only did i pass but i passed with only 2 missed questions. It did that thing where they stop the test before you're even done because you passed a certain amount in a row. I didn't even take the full 50n questions. It was kind of cool. The reason this is such a big deal for me is because i have had a permit ID for a while now...but it legit expired in 2022. That's so fucked up. Like the fact i was able to even go so long without getting a new one is wild. But like...i don't know i did really well. There was a lot going on there. Like i got there later than i wanted because there was a train stopped on the tracks and i had to have my Uber take the longer way but i got there and i did it. I also came home and cooked some meal prep stuff. I made some Italian Tilapia and some veggie fried rice. There was like green pepper, white onion, carrots, potatoes and the rice. It turned out really good. And i also ended up cleaning up the bathroom when i got home but i kind of had to. So like Sunday night there was a fucking leak in the ceiling from the neighbors upstairs right, and that caused a hole in the ceiling. So maintenance actually came by before i left to go to the BMV. I didn't love leaving with them here but like i didn't have much of a choice ya know. And they legit had to like tarp all my shit and take stuff down because they did the dry wall. They left a note saying they are coming back to paint tomorrow so there's that. I did want to go to the rock store i like and get incents that i like but i didn't really have the money for that AND the BMV. I guess i chose the real necessity over the thing i wanted more. I don't always have time and money for that kind of stuff. 

I hate this. I'm watching a movie and I'm thinking about fucking Abe. Yes i said it. Abe and i know i said i was really trying not to think about him like that anymore. But it happens often. Where a situation or  person even brings up Abe and it's so hard for me to stop thinking about him. I have thought about texting him again but...like i also don't because I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. I guess i can't say for certain because I've never actually asked him that. But i have just wanted so hard to work on myself and my life and my individuality. I have worked so hard for it too. And i am continuing to grow mentally. It's so hard not wanting my mind though to be on love. Being a person in the state that i am in is so weird and like confusing. Just simply because i am coming into my own as a person, and i am loving who i am. Yet i always have the thought about love. I do enjoy my me time more then anything. Hell at the end of the day i so love that i don't have to speak to another human being. And i guess that that's great for me. I guess that does mean i value myself and my time. And there will be a time in the future when the universe would push me to open u enough to want that actual companion at bed time. I wouldn't mind it some day. I love Chloe Danyell Ann. She's so beautiful. I started to put pretty but like... beautiful is a better word for it. Mind, Body and Soul right. 

Tuesday night was a shit show at work. You see that night is supposed to be a night where there is 4 people scheduled to work. One of them is specifically there to do the SB. I believe i have talked about it before but like Grant or Justin tend to be assigned to it. For the most part Grant. So with that, there is like 3 people closing the store. And that is very do-able. But this Tuesday was legit just me, grant and Alison. So really just me and Allison. And then fucking Justin was supposed to stay until 4, and he left at 2 when we got there. SO it was already off to a shitty start. But like the way i asked that man why he was leaving at 2 but was scheduled till 4, he was like "oh well i thought it was 2, everything for morning is done anyways so bye." And that fucker knew good and well he was off the next 4 days so he could move. The situation was a bit unsettling to me. And then i had a feeling he was going to have fucked the counts up and guess what, they where over 3k off. SO grant had to go and fix that up at the end of the night. And at one point like the self check out 2 wasn't working and i had to call the help line. Then he customers most that night just sucked and where super rude and some of them needy as fuck. I ended up scrapping the whole store literally all by myself. Grant was doing a clopen so he told us not to scrub. IN a sense i got really lucky because he said that. I was mentally preparing to be able to take care of it all but like Grant was a real one that night. I was able to take care of all the office stuff. I also have done key turns and dealt with the money all day. It was cool. 

Tomorrow is my first day opening the store by myself . I'm a bit nervous about it but in know how to do it all anyways and it's just a few new things i have to do. So like I'm not super worried. I don't know I'm really coming into my own i guess. I think the way i have been doing life lately is something that i can be really proud of. Like being a store lead at the age of 24 is kind of impressive considering where i was 2 years ago. I had a small convo with Myjah last night before we left the store and he told me that he was proud of me. An he made me think about it more because i have definitely thought about this before, but he said it was impressive that i was at the store still. He has a point i mean most people really do be going from job to job. It's just that habit inside of me. That reoccurring thought for what my future holds happens often. I love it because i can just look through the cards in my hand that i have and see what i need next to accomplish the full house that i want. 

yes i realize how cheesy that was. Sorry not sorry. 

I had wanted to color today, but i never got to it. I think i kind of like writing more. Like i had a lot of free time when i got home from the BMV, but by the time i did all my responsibility type tasks, i kind of just had a bit of time to chill out, eat something and watch tv. Which...honestly is some of my favorite things to do. I feel like to ca certain extant, it is my favorite lazy hobby. And that kind of just me and my personality. A big part of my personality. I also think that's why i liked Abe and Brian so much. They both where able to quote movies and tv with me all the time and we would all get it. That was a good time at the store. And those are people that are going to be a staple in my work/emotionally connected life. I don't know if that's a real thing, but people for me personally are emotional staples. I don't see how that wouldn't be a thing i mean that makes sense right? People can be struck in your memory based on senses and emotions. You smell something and it reminds you of something. So feeling comfortable around certain people and getting emotionally connected to certain ones as well, those can cause those specific memories or feelings. Tv and movies have always been something of my life that have made me comfortable and happy. 

Due to the fact that i have always been sort of on my own, when i watched something that i enjoyed it really made me feel at peace. I still do to this day. I'm not sure if it's because of the people on the shows that make me feel better because in a sense I'm not alone. I mean there is a almost constant conversation. It may not be aimed to wards me, but it's still there. And something Brian and i had talked about was the fact that TV/movie love has set extremely high standards. The way that the world on the screen is, it's always made life simpler and less stressful and even more relatable. Even the screen things that where real, like documentaries or like reality tv, i think are equally as amazing. That quote form Stephen Spielberg, "Every time i go to a movie, its magic, no matter what the movie is about," Is my favorite for a reason. I mean when you are interested in a show or a movie series think about it this way. When you get interested in it, your whole body and attention span is indulged in whatever it is that you're watching. You can get so invested in the screen and the art that is being shown that you forget where you are and what is going on outside of the walls that you are in. It's magic, being able to put words into actions and make it so beautiful or painful or gruesome or horrific, whatever needs to be done. Its magic being able to conduct human beings into making the art come to life. It's magic that everything from the lighting, the back ground, the camera quality can all make the bit of a difference. It's just the thing that makes it so amazing and just the most comforting thing. And then if you're a person like me, someone with ADHD, finding a show or movie that you REALLY like made you feel so good. You can rewatch it as much as you want. Sometimes you can get sick of it, but even if you do, there is going to be something in the future that makes you want to see it again. It's cool.  

You know i am getting a bit more nervous about tomorrow morning, but like i just have to reminded myself i already know basically what to do, it's not as hard as i think it's going to be, it's just a lot in the aspect of moving fast. I will definitely be having ot get the amount of sleep and eat a small bit before i go in for some energy and do everything i know and everything i can do. Thank you to everyone who have taught me what i know, and inspired me to be able to have the confidence to take charge in management. Some of those people are in fact Abe (he is a big one, i can't explain very much why but he really is), Vanessa, Diamond, Grant, Shawna, Chance and Thomas. Those are the managers in the manager world of my store that really have made a difference and made me feel like i can do it all. Not really in any particular order, except for Abe. He does have that in my brain and in my heart that he's helped me grown unknowingly. Actually he kind of does know I have talked to him briefly about it before. I'm going to get ready for bed. Night!