Perspective

Part 40

I've been thinking about something today. Something from my past. But like it only because i started listening to this podcast that got me thinking about it. 

So basically this podcast is talking about someone who has experienced life with a person who has Munchausen syndrome by  proxy. If you are unfamiliar with Munchausens  it, the official definition is, "a medical condition of which a person repeatedly seeks medical attention or falsifies, exaggerated or self inflicted physical symptoms. In other words, they fake being sick but make it seem extremely real to others. Now the by proxy part is when they induce these symptoms onto their child or and make them seem sick aswell. People will do these things for either the financial or emotional gain. 

AS they wherre talking about this pon the podcast, i kind of..came to a realization of this. I believe that when i was younger i was a person who had Munchausens. As i got older i grew out of it because i think i realized that i couldn't benefit in the way i did as a teenager. But when i was younger i did in fact falsify being ill or sick on numerous occations. Actually...i'm thinking deeper...into my young adult ages, early 20's...and there was a few occasions on which i had also faked it. When i say i faked it, i made it to where i could make my body looked ill and other people seemd to think i wa ill aswell. Now that i have grown a concious i do feel guilty about it. In many ways my spiritual journey is like so opening to me i think it's allowing me to feel what i should have felt long ago about certain things and situations that i have delt with. 

So one thing i used to do in school was fake being sick so i didn't have to go to school. I would tell my mom that i was feeling sick and i would make my throat ound raspy and i would take a warm rag and put it over my forehead and make it warm. Then i knew she would want to take my temperature, so i would wrap the thermometer tip in my shirt and blow onto the fabric to heat it up to at least 101.5 or something like that. And she would ususally let me stay home. But then when i was an adult, i would definitely do similar things for work because i didn't want it go to work. Now i don't know if in those situations it was parts of my BPD or what. But i was able to make myself throw up on multiple occasions and i would walk around work with my brain all clouded an i would seem physically ill. 

But as a teenager it was worse...more than once. When I was in like i don't know probably 14, i had hurt my ankle i think when i was playing golf. I was on the golf team at the time. And i think that there was simply a part of me that got lazy and didn't want to do it anymore. And i was even put on crutches because the doctors said that was the only thing i could do to help myself. I took advantage of that. Plus it was a way to get extra attention from my mom. Most of the time growing up my mom was just so focused on Casey and her shit that i needed to find a way to get some type of attention from her. And it seemed like she cared most when i was in distress from a illness. I took it a bit father my senior year. I think that was one of the top times in my life i really was so depressed like i wanted to die i would do anything to stay home from school, and get my mom to care about me. Living in that "storage unit", i felt so alone and dead inside. But i thought that maybe if i was sick or injured mom would have to care more...right? Not necessarily. So in the beginning of school that year i just remember feeling like the most useless human. And then i got "sick". It was something that i took too far, as far as they did a small surgery. 

So when i was sick...i started like throwing up after each meal. I think i had started it when my mom had made a really good meal one night, it was like beef tips and mashed potatoes. And then i threw up...but i did that because i ate too much. Like i ate so much that it started coming back up you know. So in order to not let my mom realize that i was simply over eating, i told her i was sick. Plus i knew that if i kept getting sick i wouldn't have to go to school the next day. And i really was going to stretch that as far as i could. So the next day i told mom i was still throwing up every time i ate. And at first, it was figurative, but then there had to be a physical proof of it i thought so i stuck my fingers in the back of my throat and made myself vomit just a bit at least. And when i got checked on by mom, i would act and seem ill to her because that's what i wanted her to think. And then like as soon as she left the building i would legit get up and kind of prance around as if i was happy that i had convinced her that i was so ill. That's so fucked up.